What am I fighting for?

[James]

We all support you, never give up the fight, coping with yourself and the thoughts that spring forth seemingly out of nowhere isn't easy but it is doable, write or post these as others may have solutions or at least ideas. We are all in your corner waiting for the bell to ring so you can come back to the stool and relax, Jim

[dfiant]

we have been fighting for years, and those before us were fighting for years. Each generation lays the foundations for the next.

1979 - Homosexuality was struck off the list of diseases
late 90's early 2000 - countries started legalising gay marriage
Keep fighting and just imagine what we will have in 2020

The point of fighting is to get what you, we deserve.

You won't be fighting any battles on your own as long as you have all of us standing right beside you

[Person66]

I'm standing beside you too.
I've been as low as you feel now, and I get depressed too, and anxious and panicky.
But I'm still here. Mum is right you have your future to fight for.
If I thought tacks or sharp objects would help your pain, I would be honest with you and tell you to use them, but they'll only make things worse. I know that for a fact!
You write beautifully with flowing narrative and emotion, and you have youth and good-looks all of which is prized by society, so you have lots to live for.
Try distracting yourself, things will get better!
Believe us.

[Prometheus]

Cutting is a horrible habit and when it's used as a coping mechanism, you're opening yourself to even more self-hatred. Why put ugly marks on your body that serve as fresh reminders of your discontent? Clearly it's a form of expression. Do you tell yourself you deserve this while you do it, and let the tears roll as the blood flows? I can tell this whole 'gay thing' has thrown you far from your deserving centered self. You don't have to be anything you don't want to be -- relax, meditate, nary a man have I met that doesn't have a beautiful soul. I don't think gay love is dirty love, I don't think most people feel that way either... but to be fair.. there is a lot of different kind of gays out there..and I don't have to like all of them.. or be like any of them. Be you. Be beautiful.

[azulai]

I don't know what I'm fighting for, what Point there is in the future. My father removed all the sharp things I could possibly get my hands on so I don't cut, but today I found a tack under my bed and I've spent all day resisting it, looking at it and wondering why I'm fighting the urge. Because I made a stupid promise? Because why resist when it'll make the pain, the crushing void of nothing, the hopelessness, loneliness, and everything else go away? My chest feels likes it's calasping on itself, it can't support itself against the crushing void. Ninety percent of the day I feel nothing, I feel like I'm suspended above the world and that at any moment I'll fall. The impact will be the deep rumbling echoes of the hollowness with in me. I see despair, pain, and the void of nothing.

You're fighting for you.

Your dad sounds like a great father. I'm very close with my dad. He would tell me that I could talk to him about anything. And, we did/do talk about so many things. But, guess what? When I was going through my conflict, I shut him out even though he continually made the effort. I hope you learn from my mistake and trust your dad. Now that I look back, I went through a lot of unnecessary pain without my best friend, my most ardent supporter, my loving shield --my dad.

My dad was the first person I came out to last August. Both of my parents suspected but they didn't know what to do, how to approach things and they had no idea the depth of my turmoil. We've had some really good discussions since and I've found it is important to understand THEY are very much a product of THEIR childhood and THEIR life experiences and they don't always know what to do when raising us. We kind of have to help them along.

When I finally came out to my dad, I told him EVERYTHING and honestly, we both cried. mile: To me, the best thing he said that day, was that he loved me no matter what and he wanted me happy, he wanted me healthy and he wanted me safe. I kind of suspect, your dad would say something very similar to mine. Everyone has their own timing and when it feels right, but in my opinion and from what you've told us, your dad is trying so hard to be there for you, you might want to give him all the facts. I wish I had talked to my dad sooner. Maybe think about it?

You are doing so much right, Silence.

You've developed a Buddy system - your dad and us (I think it's great that you're writing to us on here).

I agree with mrk2010. Why don't you walk up to your dad and hand him the tack? Physically make yourself do it, tell him you need a hug after and tell him that was really difficult for you to do. I think it would really empower you.

The next time it will get easier. And, then before you know it, you can look at certain things and just see a tack, not a potential tool to harm yourself.

Also, East, posted a number for you in your last thread. I'm quoting him here. Maybe you and your dad can call together and get you a little more support? Your dad might be at a lost on how to help.

Have you ever tried calling one of the helplines?

(800) 273-8255 or http://www.selfinjury.com 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288) National Adolescent Suicide Hotline

I want a normal life, I want to be able to take my date to the movies and share a kiss or two without having people judge, not because it's open display of affect but because we're two men and not a man and woman. I'd rather die than lead a gay life. I can't take! Going through life knowing this... This fact. I want to look at a girl and be able to say she's beautiful and have it be more than a mere compliment, I want to be able to look at a guy and say he's good looking without it being anything more than a mere compliment. What am I fighting for?

There's nothing wrong with being gay. You can have a very normal life. I think girls are beautiful, but they don't turn me on. There is nothing I can do about that. It's a fact.

I make a few posts in the Stud of the Day Thread, and it's in fun. But the thing is, it's very freeing to have other gay guy friends to smile/laugh with and share that a certain guy is hot, cute, makes you do a double-take, whatever. I have an obvious type and it's laughable. But, it's kind of a bonding experience that we don't get in school. Here, you're free.

So, Silence what's your type? :tongue:
Finding small ways to enjoy being gay might be a starting point to realizing we are quite normal, if not superior! :biggrin:

But, being gay is just a part of you. A very important part, but not all you are about.

And for me, holding hands or kissing in public really isn't what's important when you're in a relationship. It's more that you know when to hold that person when they are upset, or when they need a gentle kiss to make them feel stronger. Judge yourself on who you are in quiet moments of your life, not on what others might think.

Have you read the story of Jonathan and David? I really think Jonathan was gay, David was bi but Jonathan was gay. Maybe read chapter 18 of I Samuel. And then, 2 Samuel 1:25 - 1:26. It is a beautiful love story; I even think a little erotic.

from the Hebrew
1- When [David] finished speaking with Saul, Jonathan's soul became bound up with the soul of David; Jonathan loved David as himself......
3 - Jonathan and David made a pact, because [Jonathan] loved him as himself.

And, after you read 2 Samuel --> Why would David say that Jonathan's love was more wonderful to him than the love of a woman?

I think Jonathan was fighting for his dream in that story. How many times does Jonathan defy his father, the King, for David?

You're fighting for your dreams. You're fighting to be unapologetically you. Be in it for the win.

[ceez]

what hobbies do you have sadsilence? when I start to become depressed again I get into a good video game or I'll get my basketball and shoot around for an hour or two. It's helps

[MindsMight]

Please don't! You're only 15 years old! You're life hasn't even started yet. This problem, this roadblock is only temporary!!! Before long you will be out in the world making your own decisions, working towards whatever ends that you desire! You're life is entirely in your hands and it certainly DOES NOT END in high school.

Coming out is its own hurdle. It's difficult, and there's no way around it, but once it's done the weight of a fake life will be lifted! Once your dad knows, the fear of him accepting or not will disappear and the fear will be gone. Your relationship with your dad, from what I've gathered, can only be strengthened by this small (but important) confession.

When my father told me that he looks forward to my marriage, I felt so happy. It's a blessing every gay/lesbian should experience.

[Gizzie]

I a agree that you are fighting for you, and fighting for your freedom to be who you are.
But on the other hand, even if you are straight and "normal" life is a on going battle.

I personally found that the idea that humans are getting better, we are becoming better, if we keep living and trying there will be salvation at the end etc etc is as much harmful as it is helpful.
For me it was harmful because it makes me feel like who I am right now is not good enough, that I am incomplete and broken still. Also I realized if I keep believing those ideas, fifty years down the road I will feel like " so,,, where is it? Wasnt I supposed to be complete and wise and successful?"

Exploring other philosophies and perspectives made it much easier for me.
Ex: the Buddhists tell you that life is ment to suck so that you can learn from it and become a better existstance the next time around. You also have to let go of your worldly ties and seek a state of nothingness.

many Buddhist nuns t hat wrote about their lives and how to come to terms with the suffering have been really inspirational for me. I came to terms with the fact that life is meant to suck, and I should enjoy the little things in life. I also learnt hat the strong will fail and nothing will last for ever so I am less attached to people around me which makes me keep a stable mind and not worry about what others think about me.

And of course I read all the depressed people books like the bell jar and lots of Japanese authors like dazai osamu. When you are happy and content you would probably never approach those books or understand them fully, so looking back I appreciate the fact that I was able to spend time reading about such topics.

I guess what I am trying to say is, take the opportunity to go searching for a set of answers that make sense to you.
sometimes it can be lot more soothing than having amateurs tell you life is going to be ok.
No offense to everyone here through. I think the support her in this forum is awesome...

[Nick9]

Exploring other philosophies and perspectives made it much easier for me.
Ex: the Buddhists tell you that life is ment to suck so that you can learn from it and become a better existstance the next time around. You also have to let go of your worldly ties and seek a state of nothingness.

I admit this gives me goose bumps. I am glad it helped you though.

[Nick9]

Hi SadSilence, I hope things have got a bit better for you in the last two days