Gays, dating and commitment.

[azulai]

Before I met my bf I had quite a few guys "rushing" me. It was a real turn-off. It was almost as if they wanted to call someone their boyfriend so fast, and they were almost pushing for a connection. There were even quick declarations of love from just talking to me and I was like, dude, really? You love me? You don't even know me! :eek: They were nice guys but their rush left me doubting their sincerity and maturity.

You say you are easy going and I understand your need to vent but have you reflected on YOU and YOUR BEHAVIOR in these past encounters? It's so easy to point fingers and generalize others. If the same thing is happening over and over, people pull away from you, etc., you need to do some self-reflection.

Are you looking for someone to entertain you? Hold your hand every minute of the day? Do you always have a drama? Do you text the new person excessively? Are you looking for a LTR to kill the boredom of your life? Are you pushing for a connection?

As far as others just being after some tail:
you have to hold the line on what you are comfortable with physically and don't apologize for it. Being up front and honest that you want to just date and wait for physical intimacy does limit the pool but you have to accept that if those are your values. Just own it and be happy with your decision.

My philosophy is: do things you enjoy and you'll be surprised where the elusive gay will turn up!

[dfiant]

Far from thinking that you are being negative, I think what you feel is reality and it has nothing to do with you, but more to do with how and where you are looking for a date.

Most people will use dating websites are looking for nothing more than a hook up, regardless of what they say. Love never comes to those that try too hard searching for it, and if it does it is generally lust.

There are decent guys out there, they will come your way when you least expect it. In the real world, you must kiss a lot of frogs to find your Prince

[gaynsingle]

Thanks for the rant!You said pretty much everything i`ve been thinking as well.

[monk]

. . . I am going on 26 years now with the same man whom I love very much....so nothing happened to love...it is alive and well.

And 24 years for me and mine - it happens, believe me!

[East]

And 24 years for me and mine - it happens, believe me!

CONGRATULATIONS! I know alot of couples who have been together even longer than us...so it happens..alot more than anyone thinks.

[pellaz]

I am somewhat paranoid at this point (lo on the faith concept myself); been with my partner about 3+ years. Cant say everything has been smooth but we have been able to work out all the bad that has come out way.

i would feel more comfortable if we could marry.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

To quote one of the great philosophers of the 20th century:

I've spent a lifetime looking for you
Single bars and good time lovers, never true
Playing a fools game, hoping to win
Telling those sweet lies and losing again.

I was looking for love in all the wrong places
Looking for love in too many faces
Searching your eyes, looking for traces
Of what.. I'm dreaming of...
Hopin' to find a friend and a lover
God bless the day I discover
Another heart, lookin' for love

Waylon Jennings

Its no secret, I have only been with 8 men in 45 years of life, only two of those were real attempts at one night stands - my 'slut phase'.

I can honestly say that I never found love nor real romance in a bar/club and other place where gays congregate in search for sex. Not for a lack of trying - I tried real hard, got myself to the point where I was drunk most of the time (before I discovered cocaine and later meth).

I found love in the oddest of places, at work, at the library, in social groups that had nothing to do with being gay or dating, at an Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting (sorry you have to be a drunk to be a member no fair just going to pick up men :tongue

I was and still am cursed with 'boyish good looks' to the point where those places where people are looking for sex (and usually only sex) becomes a painful experience, grabby, handsy, lecherous creeps plying me with alcohol (which was always a mistake, alcohol tightens me up, not loosens me up). Ergo the alcoholic par of my life :tongue:.

It was real hard to know who was honestly playing the dating game in order to gain love and relationship or who was just playing at it to get me into bed. My 'one month no sex policy' pretty much weeded out the majority of would be bed bandits, but it was not a complete success. I did get in a couple of relationships that was heavy about the sex part of it and were not real relationships. These guys were all about the conquest and only keep up appearances because having me on their arm also won them extra kudos. These relationships only lasted a few months, disintegrating rapidly when reality set in.

No its not easy to find a decent person to date. Yes the Gay community is largely about the sex, especially if you are in your 20's and early 30's - its all about the sexual pleasure and rarely about relationships, commitment, love. Its not until we males get older that such things as love, commitment, partnership, blah become important.

A large chunk of that is our penis. Males - nearly all males regardless of sexual orientation, are all about sticking the dick in as many holes as possible. Straight men are constrained by pleasing women, who have been told that if a woman has sexual urges she is bad (a slut) so they (women) tend to demand cool-off periods and straight men play at this thing called love to woe a woman into bed.

go into any high school boy's locker room and hear the tales of conquest - most are lying about doing Susie the girl known to do any guy on campus (the poor girl gets a bad rep). They lie because males have this need to look like a man, that means being on a never ending quest to conqueror as many lovely holes as possible.

For us gays society repeatedly tells us that its impossible for gay men to actually love one another. This whole 'Gays can't marry thing' repeatedly tells us gays that we are somehow unable to form committed, long term relationships - we are unable to love, and society keeps telling us that over and over again each and every time gay marriage is voted down.

This mind set is changing, albeit slowly, as more and more places are allowing gay marriage and more and more people are waking up to the fact that gays have needs for relationships and commitment as much as straights.

Love is out there, and I think that most young men enter the scene with dreamy eyes and high hopes for romance, love, relationships only to come face to face with the harsh reality that the gay scene has bought into the whole 'gays can't really love/marry' myth that has been pounded into our brains for generations now.

Finding them is hard, if you are looking in the wrong places. Us gays have so few options for finding one another, its sad really. I would suggest instead of seeking out other gay men that you seek the company of other people - folk who share similar interests and who don't care about your sexuality. Got a hobby? Find a face to face meeting group of like minded individuals. While you may not find Mr. Right at the group, you will meet other people who know other people and who will introduce you to gays who do not go to bars, who do not use grindr, who don't do the scene.

There are many of us gays out here in the real world who, like you, hate the scene and don't go. They, like you, want nothing to do with empty sex. The thing is they don't know how to find other men like them who have same interests. We have no place to go.

[Nick9]

Lovely poem, thank you.
I agree with almost everything you said.
However aren't these two paragraphs sort of inconsistent with each other?

A large chunk of that is our penis. Males - nearly all males regardless of sexual orientation, are all about sticking the dick in as many holes as possible. Straight men are constrained by pleasing women, who have been told that if a woman has sexual urges she is bad (a slut) so they (women) tend to demand cool-off periods and straight men play at this thing called love to woe a woman into bed.

Love is out there, and I think that most young men enter the scene with dreamy eyes and high hopes for romance, love, relationships only to come face to face with the harsh reality that the gay scene has bought into the whole 'gays can't really love/marry' myth that has been pounded into our brains for generations now.

I wouldn't be so harsh at straight men...

[JRiver]

Perhaps if you didn't have such a negative attitude you may find the love you are so keen to find. Drop the negative and try to look at dating and finding love in a positive way, then maybe someone may be attracted to you???

A "negative attitude" may not be helpful, but Annonymous is right to say that too few gay/bi/queer men are really available for a genuine and lasting relationship, while too many
are seeking quickie one-time sex with strangers, or something roughly like this.
Let's not "kill the messenger," or otherwise blame queer guys who complain about this sad fact. It is a sad social reality, not the consequence of a "bad attitude".

Still, it is true that a positive and happy state of mind and heart will be more attractive to others who share the same. And a rationally grounded optimism or positive outlook will do more to aid us in meeting and connecting with the desired sorts of people than a negative skepticism. But social facts are social facts, whatever shade of glasses or goggles we are wearing.

[GayDatingExpert]

Give yourself a break from dating for a while, enjoy life and focus on things you can change rather than looking at all the negative that has happened to you. There are two sides to each situation. The main common denominator in all what has happened to you, and that is you!