Need some helpful advice...

[Ken051]

So I am kinda an odd case, first time posting( and to this forum) and I need some help. It is about 10 o'clock at night, and I am really done with holding this all in. So in advance I am sorry for misspellings, grammer slip ups, and for anything else.

Quick background: I am 20 years old. I grew up in a family that was forced to go to church. The church was also a school, which I went to unfortunately. I really felt different, I was never accepted which caused me to have issues with trusting people and just being myself in general. I ended up creating masks to protect my inner self, never letting anyone see my true self. Then I got to high school. It was freedom for me, I created more masks and plunging myself deeper and deeper into a hole. It wasn't until sophomore year that I learned about being gay, everyone called it wrong in the church and it wasn't accepted in the community.
I had a good friend that I always knew was different. I never really told anyone but I had feelings for him, but for some reason i would always shut them down asap, because I was told they where wrong ideas I shouldn't be feeling this way about a man. So I put on my mask and I dated girls. All the relationships I had, they never lasted more than 2 weeks. With the exceptions of 2 girls. The first girl was at the beginning of my high school career. I dated her because my parents approved of her, nothing sexually really happened between us . We would fool around etc, but no sex. Between my freshman year and the beginning of senior year I was called a man whore. I took it as it was said. All the time hurting inside because it hurt me. I played football because I always like to try something new, but I never showered in the locker room, or got completely naked. When other guys where naked around me I kept my head straight ahead, and if I did look I immediately turned myself away and think of something else.
Then senior year came and I met a girl that made me really forget about my feelings about men and i had a great time with her. During this time my gay friend came out of the closet. I was so happy for him. He and his boyfriend where open about it, but most of the senior classed, mainly the popular guys and gals teased them. I hated it when people teased them because I never judge anyone. My girlfriend at the time was happy for him also. As we dated we did have sex but it took me alot of mental focus to orgasum. She wasn't the one to take my virginity, the one who did it felt like she forced me to do it, it made me freak out. So she ruined sex for me. But this girl I was dating during my senior year made sex at least bearable. But it brought the gay feelings back. We ended up breaking up because, I told her that since 5th grade I have been fighting thoughts of suicide, and she told some people. So I graduated with a mask on in 2010, no one knew the real me.

This brings us to now, 2012. I've had a lot of time on my hands. I have been thinking and figuring out myself without the mask, and I'm finding that I see women as beautiful, but I'm finding I am sexually attracted to men. I mentioned it once to my gay friend that I was having these feelings, but at the time we didn't have time to talk. So today, I opened up to my best girlfriend, as we where talking about her wedding. It was set up perfectly, with a segway and all.It was hard for me to open up to anyone, especially something like this. And she told me one thing that almost made me cry. She said no matter what I will accept you, I will love you. I will always see you as Ken gay or not. I explained to her that I want to explore my feelings, but I don't want to do it in my home town, because it is extremely conservative. I told her about one time in high school where one of my guy friends and i held each other. And how it made me feel safe and warm(It was a cold day). It started out as a need for warmth and a joke, but once I started feeling that way for him I let go and joked about it, putting the mask back on immediately hoping no one saw the slip up. She was being what I always needed someone to talk to and not judge me or freak out.So now I am about 4 months from moving away from home and getting ready starting my true college experience.

I guess what I am trying to ask is what should I do, I want to date men and explore my feelings. But I dont want my family to know period, or until I am really sure of how I feel.

Thank you for listening to me vent.
-Ken

[Prometheus]

Welcome to gayspeak!
A hard-core church environment is hell for lots of gay kids/teens growing up and makes it hard for many of them to ever come to full resolve with their sexuality. Something has to die...or grow for it to happen. Your parents might not come around to the idea at all, but might.
It's important to be yourself... All the juggling of masks makes your true self drowned out and eventually lost. This sort of environmentally induced sociopath could spend a lifetime analyzing every angle of what other people are perceiving in their heads. And no time at all on their own fulfillment. Don't hide. It's worthless if people like you for some plastic mold you've manufactured just to wield control over every variable. No way to live indeed.

I think you should date men. Good men. Being away from home will offer you the freedom you need to explore yourself for once. I recommend setting a goal of starting over; no more masks. Be you. Be proud of it. Smile. People will naturally be drown to you.
Truly, I wish you the best on this.. There's no better comfort than being in someone's arms and it feeling right

[azulai]

Hi and welcome to GS, Ken. mile:

It sounds like you have an awesome friend and I'm so glad you had someone there for you.

I'm from a conservative religious non-Christian background. It doesn't matter what kind, it all messes with your head. So, be patient with yourself as you try to unlearn things that in your heart you know just aren't true. Live by what your heart dictates, not the rules others want to impose you.

I would recommend that you check out your new school's LGBT Center.
>there might be different, interest based groups you could join
>see if there is a peer counselor program
>attend ALLY functions
>usually there are breakfast or lunch meetings where you can just get acquainted.
>volunteer to hand out fliers, work the LGBT table at a function, go to lectures, go to movie nights, stuff like that

Personally, I would take things slow and go with the outlook to just make friends. If you are on facebook with family stuff make a new one for school, keep things separate.

I don't mean to rant BUT :biggrin:
>>>try to have an open mind and not judge people by their appearance. Remember this is college and some like you have come from repressed environments and are FINALLY FREE to express themselves for the first time. I've read people here before say, "but they don't look like me!" But, you know what? They probably have felt similar to you. So, look for middle ground and don't judge a book by it cover.

In these four months you have until freedom, I'd recommend you do ME work. Don't go to college with yet another mask. Forget about meeting guys, forget about wanting to explore your feelings with another guy and just concentrate on you.

There is more to you than your sexuality. Sometimes it consumes us and all the hiding is exhausting. What are your goals? Your dreams? Who is the true you? Read up on safe sex.

I wish you the best! My first year, I was in the closet and was too afraid to even check out the LGBT support at my school. Big mistake. Half way through my second year, I started out going to Ally sponsored events and met some of the most diverse yet nicest people I've ever met and I got more involved. mile:

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Do you know why the Gay populations of New York City, San Francisco, Los Angeles and other big cities are so high? Because man small town/rural guys and gals find themselves in the same boat as you and they migrate to a 'gay community'.

You are not alone. Many go though what you go to. Sure the names of places and people are different, but the story runs pretty much the same.

Gay person in a conservative/religious home has gay feelings, dates straight to hide his/her gayness from others and self. Figures out they need more, then debate what to do next.

From there the story is also similar. Jump on the Bus/Train/Plane/car go to City X, find the community.... blah blah blah, cut scene run credits.

Your not as odd as you think, if anything you are part of a decently large crowd of folk.

I am by no means saying your feelings are small and not worth anything. Because they are, they are very important and precious. I just want you to be fully aware, and carry the fact in your heart that you are not alone.

What should you do? You should pursue your happiness. Whatever that means to you.

Are you struggling with God, Jesus and the homosexuality thing?

If so there are several internet resources:

http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_chur.htm
http://www.clgs.org/

There are Sites on the Bible that explain in different content those scriptures most used to abuse gay folk.
http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/gay/long.htm
http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_bibl.htm

I hate to break it to you but the bible is badly mistranslated, has many transcription errors and has been assaulted by oh about 2000 years of premeditated editing and even rewriting to fit the needs of a controlling Church that pretty much decided to write a whole new religion that was used to gain and maintain control over everyone.

I did seminary, got myself a D.Min and Collar as well (Its somewhere around here, in a drawer, backed away in a box - Hmm nope, it may be in the shed). My years in schooling and discussion with other celery members have made one thing crystal clear to me. The church lies - Often, regularly and without remorse.

I don't care if you were Mormon, Baptist, Episcopal - all of these denominations break off from the same root. Roman Catholic Christianity. They all share the same bible, they all share the Latin Vulgate Roots which was created by a few men who set about creating one, abridged, authorized power structure foisted off on the masses as the only true religion.

This doesn't mean God doesn't Exist. This doesn't mean that the bible is 100% wrong, this doesn't say that Jesus never died on the cross. Its to say that man made church has superseded God's Authority.

I had faith in the Church (as you most likely have). I lacked faith in God. I lost my faith in the church oh lets round it off to 20 years ago (a little longer)

I gained a faith in God, and God has demonstrated to me time and time again through the years that Gays are not condemned. Most are blessed and many are blessed exceedingly because, largely, they are persecuted and condemned unjustly.

If you follow those links I gave you, you may find solace there and tackle one of the biggest demons attacking you at this time. Doctrine.

You are wise to choose to NOT tell your folks. However do not make the plan you will never tell. Eventually you will.

This gal you told is a 'true friend'. I expect you will want to talk to her more, and discuss your other feelings. While there may not be anything she can do to change your situation, her being able and willing to listen and provide a shoulder to cry on will be a huge asset to you.

Tell her that that is all you need. She understands and will understand that this is enough.

Its nice to know you know that you wear a mask. We all do - many of us wear many masks.

Who are you? Part of you is that mask. So you need to figure out who the mask is too and work this into your search for you.

Will you wear that mask forever. No. Eventually you will find yourself in a place where you can drop that mask fully, with a person who you want to reveal your 'real' self to. Trust me, he is going to love what he sees.

Yes, eventually, you will find a guy to love and who will love you back. Sorry, my crystal ball grows fuzzy on the details. :tongue:

Since you were forced to go to church, I suspect that going to another church will be the last thing you want to do. But I think its something you need to do.

However, there are gay tolerant churches out there with gay people who are openly, truly faithful and who know your hurt. Guess what, in this modern era of the inter-webs, there is an online directory of those churches: http://www.gaychurch.org/Find_a_Church/f...church.htm

That mask you wear was created in whole or in part by being in an environment that was not wholesome nor affirming (Hate-filled Church). If you expose yourself to an affirming, wholesome environment (Gay affirming Church) you may actually find that mask a lot easier to scrap off your face.

California is not a bad place for The Gay. I live in the central valley, thus I have a pretty good idea that you live this way by the general conservative nature of the environment you live in.

Luckily the Three big Cities, L.A. San Francisco and Sacramento are pretty much in a reasonable drive for most folk out here in the rest of California.

I would suggest you seriously consider not so much moving to the nearest one to you, but visiting. Tell us which one is closest to you and I, or someone else, will look up the resources for GLBT - and not just the bars and bathhouses but the more wholesome places.

You will be ok.

[LateBloomer]

BA is very wise.



To Ken: God made you, He knew your name before you were born and He loves you.

[pellaz]

welcome to gs.

... So she ruined sex for me ... \

some how i feel this is important in a number of ways:
I see this as blame transfer. any person who can say this needs to work on self worth and their wanting to avoid self blame, self contempt. You need to be more accepting of your self. Just because you are un sure about your sexuality dosnt mean any one sexual preference is bad. It is real important to get to know your self with out the reference of your parents belief system.

... I am about 4 months from moving away from home and getting ready starting my true college experience ...

if you will be living away from home, do some research on bi or gay compatible housing early. maybe the lgbt center near your home or near the college.

sex dosnt necessarily define if your straight bi or gay. What matters most is if you can successfully carry on a gay relationship with another man. gay or straight porn is choreographed like a dance and meant to attract. Than again you have to want to feel your bf inside you and taste his cum.

Did it ever cross your mind it could be their own confusion on their sexual identity that made your parents pick a very narrow defined path to raise their family? What i am trying to say is think for your self, try not to draw to many lines, accept being a little fluid on your preferences and while doing all this try not to judge others.

[Rainbowmum]

Welcome Ken
Do not let anyone make you feel lesser , you are perfect just the way you are.

[Ken051]

FIrst and formost, thank you all for the advice. I really had no idea that there was such a big (truly an understatement but the only word I can find right now) community, my friend gave me a bit of insite to the gay community but it didn't do it justice.
Azulai, thank you for reminding me that I need to work on myself and destroy the masks I have created. After posting this last night I couldn't sleep I felt uncomfortable, naked because I felt free. It was a truly liberating moment when I posted this. Now (due to lack of sleep the process is faster) I have started thinking about who I am and what made/makes me this person. When going into high school I created a very open minded don't judge anyone attitude because I feel no matter who you are and what you do or act like we can be friends. That is one thing I know is me and was consistent throughout the masks.
Browyn Aerrow, the closest city to me is sac not my most favorite place, but I do have family in the San Francisco area and I have visited the Castro district. One of the guys was really uncomfortable so we left after being there for 10 minutes. But at least I got to see the Castro theater. I do want to go back but idk if I will be going alone, my friend who is getting married is moving after the wedding.
I am struggling with the whole God/religion and homosexuality thing, I am Catholic but rased in the Christian household. So I define myself as a Christian/Catholic. Being raised in a Christian household I was forced into blind faith. I read the Bible and liked the stories but it wasn't until later on in life that I found out that the Bible has been changed, modified by man. At that point it was hard for me to believe. I like texts to be unaltered that is why i started to go to Mass because I thought the Catholic Bible was closer than NKJ or NIV. But I did find lies just by accident while talking to my grandparents. This made me lose more faith. I still believe in God but as I had these thoughts I due to the Bible I thought He would be angry with me. I havent had time to check out the links but that will be my first priority when i get home.
LateBloomer
BA is extremely wise. And thank you
Pellaz
I do have self worth problems and I am working on that. In grade school and middle school, they where both at the private christian school. I was teased for being different so I am really working on my self worth. As for being able to carry on a relationship I will have to find that man that I can be myself with and trust. And for the sexual side of it well it will either go one of two ways. 1. I will have no fear and be able to go right into it. or 2 I will be scared like I was with girls but I highly doubt it.
As for the porn industry I found this through TED
Google makelovenotporn.com. Check it out you might like it I found it informative and funny. It debunks porn myths and how men and women act in porn.

[James]

Welcome Ken, many of us have walked that path before you, don't feel alone because you are not, many out there are look for quick sex, drop them, only settle for someone who cares and wants a relationship, Jim

[DarkDaisuke]

I'm sure you can figure it out and coming out is your choice, when you feel its right. Unless youre gaybashing which I highly doubt then youre fine. Or you know your familys perfectly ok with gays and all.