is he cheating???

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Let me pull out the crystal ball and take a look see. Mind my ball is cracked, so I get very fuzzy images.

No currently he isn't cheating.

However my ball reveals that a few 'hot' young men are teasing him and sending him MSN messages and chatting with him. They are tormenting him and tempting him, wanting him to meet them.

One pushed him about his Boy Friend, fishing for information about why he has an account. Much to his shame he cannot say the real reason.

Another, I think American, with poor grammar skills, engaged him and pushed him to the point of seriously considering 'trying' a date. After he logged off he shed a tear, for you see he understands that he has fear.

The majority who see his account see that he is in a current relationship. They have mixed feelings about it some think 'Aw how cute!' others look and wonder 'Well if he is a relationship, why does he have this account?'

In truth, your man is afraid. He is afraid that you being a hot young man are going to slip through his old, old fingers. He is afraid that you will meet some other young hot boy and fall madly in love leaving him alone, broken hearted. He looks at you and sees all the potential suitors lining up, knowing that he is old and is running out of options, running out of time, knowing that for him he would have to actively seek the arms of another, while you - with all your precious youth and boyish beauty need merely walk down the street and catch another love.

He keeps his account and 'fishes' for potential mates because he is afraid that his love will end up vanishing, and he wants to hedge his bets so he won't be utterly alone.

Sadly, my crystal ball also reveals a terrible truth.

That truth is you are pushing him into doing something he has only thought about. He is only keeping his options open, yet your little game is tempting him and making him believe he is far more attractive than he thought, thus has more options to choose from than he really does.

Continue down this road young man, and you two will part ways. And it will not be a gentle, loving parting for you. It will hurt, deeply and profoundly and you will carry that hurt for the rest of your life.

[Prometheus]

That truth is you are pushing him into doing something he has only thought about. He is only keeping his options open, yet your little game is tempting him and making him believe he is far more attractive than he thought, thus has more options to choose from than he really does.

.

THIS. THIS. THIS. THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Gosh darn, BA, you're saintly.

[OrphanPip]

THIS. THIS. THIS. THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Gosh darn, BA, you're saintly.

Really? I mean, really?

For all you people know, the guy is fucking a different person every second Tuesday.

And really the idea that the OP is pushing his partner into cheating is asinine, and acting like a breakup would be a life shattering event is an astounding hyperbole. Regardless of the impropriety of the spying, the seeking out of sexual partners on the internet is a breach of trust in its own right. We have no access to state of mind of the partner, his intentions could be benign or exactly what the OP thinks they are.

[monk]

Without trust there is no relationship . . .

Amen......

[East]

Regardless of the impropriety of the spying, the seeking out of sexual partners on the internet is a breach of trust in its own right.

In the end though...changing someone elses behavior is impossible unless the person wants to change and preferably asks for help so the only real solution he has is to change his own behavior.

If he has found his BFs behavior unacceptable then he has to make a decision because if he continues spying he will compromise who he is as well and it is hard to confront a liar if you are lying yourself.

I fell in love...alot...and I moved on quickly and silently when I realized the other person had a quality that I could not accept. When you find out your partner has a quality that is unacceptable...it is wise not to label yourself a victim because that is a really BAD road to travel. I was able to transcend a most abusive relationship simply by owning my part in it rather than insisting I was a victim so I know the value of what I suggested.

Since he "knows" what he needs to know...I think it is wise to address his own behavior and not the other persons.

As for the guy he is dating...I have no clue what he is or isnt doing. If it was me and I did know he was lying to me I would not pursue it any further...but sex with other men and flirting...I would just ask him about it.

[fenris]

From my own experiences I want to say : If you don´t trust him and if you don´t feel safe and secure in a Relationship...stop it. You can´t be happy with such kind of Relationship.

I want to agree East ... It is not possible to change someones behaviour if he don´t want to change .... but honestly... It can not be our job to change someone. I want a partner who knows what is my opinion of a relationship and he has 2 possibilities : Agree and disagree ... and If he disagree my rules its the wrong partner for me as long as I agree his rules... and if both don´t agree the others ones Rules we have a private war ..not a relationship.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

THIS. THIS. THIS. THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Gosh darn, BA, you're saintly.

Thanks - you inflated my ego -

Really? I mean, really?

For all you people know, the guy is fucking a different person every second Tuesday.

Thanks - you reminded me I am human - I need that.

[Nick9]

But I said "you do not have cancel your account, you are living alone and you can make friend using the Internet. I believe you and our relation is based on trust."

Hi slokara,

I am sorry for not saying anything cheerful to you. If you pulled a stunt on me like you did on your bf, you would be out of my life in seconds. My only regret would be that I didn't read you and your intentions sooner.

I saw it so many times around me. Women are especially good at this. And it always, always ends up badly.

You are saying he loves you very much. Maybe you love him too. But it is possessive type of love. If you don't change your attitude, he will leave you. Maybe he won't find out what you are doing. The way how you are playing with him. But soon he gets tired of your possessive attitude and he will leave.

People in their forties need someone who they can rely on, someone mature. You don't seem to be this person. And I am not talking about your age.

Trust is absolutely mandatory in a relationship. You are just playing games.

You are successfully pushing him away from you. The sooner he leaves, the better for him.

[Nick9]

you know what, I really know myself and if I can get rid of this feeling, I won't never login his account or spy on him. But I need to be ensure things.

That's the problem. You will NEVER be sure. He doesn't need an account to cheat. He can meet someone at work or when he goes to buy newspapers. That's why you need trust in a relationship.

[Michdman]

First let me say I am new here. I hope to help others think and find answers on their own with my guidance. I do hold a Masters Degree in psychology so I hope this will give you some re-assurance.
Now on to your dilemma, "is he cheating"... the answer is no. You told him to find friends online. you gave permission for him to talk to others. Just because he goes to the edge of YOUR limits does not by any stretch of the imagination say he is going to or plans to cheat. You, in your insecure thoughts are making a mountain out of a molehill you created. You must trust him and stop this game you are playing or you will have no say in how this ends up.
One thing you will find as you progress in life is that most gay guys are jealous of others who have what they don't. If you simply cannot let yourself trust this man you claim you are so in love with and say "This is the one" about.... the relationship is over already and to continue your sneaking and spying will just make the inevitable end a nasty one.
My other half is younger than I and we have just celebrated 15 years together!!! TRUST is key. If you think about it, which I'm sure your older lover has, you are more likely to cheat on him. So stop this train before you wreck a possibly great thing from happening. TRUST your man.