Bad situation...In need of advice

[Mrmatty376]

I'm sure if i've talked to you before i've brought this up in a sense, but I'd finally like to open up here because it's been killing me.
I've been friends with this guy for over 7 years already, we've become very close friends since about 3 years ago. I really like this guy, i've always have. He's been the only one i've ever really had feelings for. Thing is, he's straight and has a girlfriend which he's been with for over 6 months. He's had previous girlfriends too, but im feeling horrible because he really likes this one. I know its absurd to want someone to change, but I had always dreamed that he would change for me. I hate knowing that we cant be more than just friends. He has no idea that i'm gay though... I have no intentions of telling him either.
I just want to know if anyone has any advice on how to cope with this. I've been super depressed lately about this. He's pretty much my old friend and I fear he wont be around for long, especially that I'm not going to be home for a long while. I just get sad whenever he tells me the things they do together. For example, it killed me and ruined my whole day when i woke up to a reply to a text this morning saying that him and his girlfriend have been at his girlfriends beach house for the past four days. It kills me to think about what they've been doing...especially since it's just them two on the trip... It just gets me in such a depressed mood.
Anyone face anything similar? If so, how'd you go on with it? I'm just tired of getting depressed over something that will never change. I love the guy, i know i always will, i just dont want to go on being depressed because we can never be as close as i want to... Just looking for some help. I've got no one else to talk to about this thanks.

[Nick9]

*sigh* I know. Your brain is telling you one thing, and your heart another. You need to join those feelings together, Matty. Somehow you need to find a way how to satisfy your head and your heart at the same time.

If I was a girl and I loved you very very much, would you change for me? Would you date me to make me happy, would you marry me? Would you find a way how to have sex with me? Would you be happy?
I suppose you would. Except for the very last thing. You wouldn't be happy, Matty. And I would notice that, I would be sad and we would fight and break up/get divorced.

Your man will not change for you. BUT if you are lucky, he will stay the same he is now. He will be a good friend to you, be there for you and when you reach for him, he won't be too far away.

Your friendship lasts for 7 years. SEVEN years, Matty. That's like a marriage He won't go away. He is as comfortable with you as you are with him. AND he wants you happy, didn't you notice?

People in love believe that their happiness is contagious He texts you because he wants to share his happiness with you. And he strongly believes that it will make you happy.

Try to get into his head and forget it is a girl you are at the beach with. Try imagine how happy you would feel in his skin. FEEL that happiness.

Good friends are able to enjoy their friends' happiness. Shared happiness doubles, Matty, it's the way it is Don't be jealous. Look for the nice things that are happening around you, they can brighten your day (like your silly shower did it for me yesterday :biggrin

Be happy for your friend. And when something nice happens to you, even if it is just something small, tell him. Because if he sees someday in the future that his wishful thinking isn't working and you are not happy even though he is trying so hard, he may feel sad that he effort is useless and he may pull away.
Everybody wants to hear good news. Keep sending some to your friend too. It tells "I am feeling good around you. Don't change."


OT: And I want that Easter bunny of yours. Good friends are allowed to snatch a chocolate from you too :biggrin:

[Mrmatty376]

:/ I know you're right and I know I should take this to heart. I honestly never really thought of it that way. I've just been stuck in this dream for years, I don't know anything other than it. I'll be happy for him, I always have been, i've just been fighting with myself and the bad parts are winning.
It's a bit of jealousy too. I'd love to have someone to hold every once and a while. I'd love to wake up by someone's side. I'd love to have someone to just be with. I've never had anyone. I've never dated, never held anyone's hand, never been kissed. I wanted him to show me what it's like. I've always watched him. He's always been so happy with what he's had and i've never cared to think anything of it.
I never thought of how long we've been together. It never came to me that maybe he thinks of me too. Maybe just how a brother would, but he still cares nonetheless.
I feel really bad now. I might need to apologize...
But thank you very much Nick. I honestly never thought of anything you said. I feel bad, but maybe I can make things right. I need to be more patient... But thank you so much. I know we don't really know each other and it's a lot to ask for help from someone you hardly know, but i really appreciate it.

And there is only half of it left, i tried eating it but its been in the fridge for so long it got really hard lol. i wanted to smash it but i was afraid it would get all over the carpet lol.

[Nick9]

*banging my head on the table* So I tried to help, and I made you feel bad... I guess I deserve to have just a half of a hard bunny :biggrin:

I'd love to have someone to hold every once and a while. I'd love to wake up by someone's side. I'd love to have someone to just be with.

No, you wouldn't Matty, and that is the problem. You don't want someone. You want him. And you wouldn't believe how much it shows. People around you can notice that. You are off the market, unavailable. Let him go and make yourself free. Only after that you can date.
It wouldn't be fair to your new date to be constantly reminded that he is substitution, the second one, the first available.

I've never had anyone. I've never dated, never held anyone's hand, never been kissed.

Because for the past seven years you were secretly dating him

I might need to apologize...

Never apologize for asking for advice, okay?

And there is only half of it left, i tried eating it but its been in the fridge for so long it got really hard lol. i wanted to smash it but i was afraid it would get all over the carpet lol.

hmmm, I'll take it as an invitation to a melting-chocolate party :tongue:

God, I am cheeky today

[Mrmatty376]

Awwww...It wasn't on purpose, I don't think i could have gone out of this without feeling this way. I mean, it's my fault for being ignorant. Its never a good feeling to know when your in the wrong

Hm, I guess your right. I don't know how to give him up though....

oh, I meant apologize to him. I've gotten mad at him for going out with other friends, for dating people, for going out with his girlfriend, for getting a girlfriend... I've been more self centered than considering his feelings...

But I don't know, I'm just tired of being sad, I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of wanting someone I can't have, I'm tired of hiding from people, from him. I don't want to ruin whatever we have, but I don't want to be sad anymore and I don't know how to fix it...




And I imagined people swimming in a pool of chocolate fondue...sounds deliciously disgusting. lol


And I just deleted all my songs off my ipod on accident...I am twice the sadness now... All my music was organized so perfectly. It took me months to fix it DX lol

[Nick9]

How to give him up... I don't know, Matty. Try to enjoy his happiness. Ask him about the girl, about his day. Tell him you would like to experience that too. Maybe you can ask him for advice. You will show him that you care for his advice and his opinion.

You can even mention that some girls you met seemed to be like from another planet and that you some times think if dating a guy wouldn't be easier. You will see.

Maybe he will tell you that it is not true, that his wonderful gay friend can't find a bf. And you could meet him Okay, I know :biggrin:

[pellaz]

your IPod:
your ITunes should have a backup?
if you lost the songs you can restore from the IStore
hope this helps.

you might try to hang in there but nothing you can do till he is done with his girl friend. If she leaves, it will be a while till your friend can emotionally stand on his two feet again. This is assuming you want to do something. It just sounds like this relationship with your friend is sorta one way. does he suspect or know your gay?

I would think it would be really bad if you lost a good friend over your feeling for him and these are feelings your straight friend will not be able to reciprocate for you. A friends are supposed to support each other and mutually accept each others life choices. You will loose him as a friend if you cant do this.

there are plenty of gay men who would love to be in a proper relationship with you. Your infatuation with the straight friend is preventing you from finding them.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Mr Matty,

You are suffering from unrequited love. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unrequited_love

It is a tale as old as humanity, many great authors wrote stories, poems and plays on the subject. It is a tale told by fools and idiots, it is also told by kings and men far, far wiser than me.

I believe you stand in good company, mind I'm not bothering to look up a list of victims of this brand of love so my belief may be wholly wrong.

Unrequited love is only one strain of love. Love is, I fear, a very nasty disease that afflicts hundreds of millions if not billions each year.

You are waking up that this is a problem. This is a huge step in curing your affliction.

There are other steps you can take (ultimately you need to decide). If left untreated this condition will afflict you for a while to come, but I assure you time wounds all heels. Wait - while that is true in this case time heals all wounds.

Eventually you two will be pulled apart, him going on to marriage, kids and other things, you to school or work or whatever. Eventually. How far that is in the future I do not know, it could be years decades. But it will happen.

The steps you can take to start treating is to:

1. Come Clean: Wash yourself by admitting to him your feelings. Yes there is risk that he will run screaming like a little girl away from you terrified of catching The Gay. That is on him not on you. I suspect he already knows you are 'that way' - I find it hard to believe that a person can really be around another person for 7 years and NOT notice.

2. Be friendly: Go out, meet new people, make new friends and spend a little more time with them.

3. Distance: Quit following this man and keeping track of his every move. That's really creepy More to the point, life your own life and let the man live his life. See #2 on how you can do this.

4. Don't be a pig: Pigs wallow in mud - you don't need to (unless you want to). In this case your 'mud' is the depressing thoughts and your feelings about what he and his GF do (or what you think they do - trust me if you are not picturing chandeliers, duck feathers and candle wax you are not picturing what they are really doing - Don't question the crystal ball - go with it ) You hold on to this stuff and keep it wet, then you jump into it and wallow. Don't be a pig.

5. Breath. Breathing is the most important thing you can do. Ironically when people most need to breath they stop breathing. When to breath - well all the time. However when you feel those bad feelings coming on - Take a deep Breath. When you start thinking about what you think they do (did I mention the rubber duck they have?) Take a deep breath. Seriously breath, breath deep, breath often.

Eventually you will get over him - Well mostly over him. Yes you will carry a little love in your heart for him for the rest of your life - as you will carry many other loves. We all carry old love.

[Sequard]

i am in a different situation buddy, and i think that the best thing to do is to accept the fact that he will never be your lover but friend and you should keep him that way, he respescts you obviously.how faster you come to peace with yourself an realise that he can be just your friend , the better for you, you will find a person that loves you don't worry about it....

[Gizzie]

I like Bowny Arrow's "Dont be a pig".
I see so many people do that, and it is the one thing that would prevent you from finding new love.

As much as you love him, its obvious he will simply remain your friend, so as tough as it, get out and meet new people