So my boyfriend and I haven't really been dating for very long, We're just about to come up on 2 months but there are several issues arising in the relationship. The first and most obvious issue is that i'm hiv positive. I told him in the very beginning and he was fine with it. However other problems have stemmed from that issue. He refuses to touch me sexually. He wont perform oral on me, with or without a condom and he (a top) wont have sex with me. I've tried to educate him on the issue (having lived with it for several years now i am pretty aware of risks and avenues of infection) but he wont listen. Im on anti-retrovirals with an undetectable viral load but he just doesn't care. He thinks its to risky to blow me even knowing that and with me wearing a condom. Yet he expects me to constantly be giving him blow jobs. It makes me feel undesirable and like a slut to just be pushed into his crotch without any help myself. The other issue were having is my hair. I'm currently growing it out Im not a cross dresser or want to be transgendered and im not overly feminine, but i had a very abusive stepfather and he hated my hair. he knew i wanted it long so it was cut whenever i did anything wrong as a punishment, and if i ever had it long i had to always have it in a ponytail in his presence. Im very touchy about it and hate being told to cut it or put it up because to me it is an extension of who i am. My bf though keeps telling me he'd find me more attractive if i'd cut it and really hates it down, and i hate that. however severe these problems may be at an early stage in our relationship, i really like him and enjoy spending time with him. He makes me laugh everytime we hang out and he is a very sweet guy aside from these issues. I guess the main point of my posting this is to get advice on how to establish more equal roles when it comes to our sex life (as well as other avenues for sex that dont involve intercourse) and how to get across my feelings about my hair to him when i've explained how and why it's important to me several times. Do these problems sound to complicated at such an early stage in the realationship, and are they even worth overcoming, even if i do have strong feelings for him?
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Hi codis,
I am sorry you have problems in your relationship.
I can't give you a practical advice, so just a thought... You've had several years to get used to the idea of being positive and to find, read and absorb all the information. You can tell him hundred times, but his brain won't believe it. We all have mechanism that helps us survive. It tells us when to stay, when to fight and when to fee to save our life.
For him your sexual relationship may very well mean - I am risking my life here. And after two month relationship there can be also - I am not willing to do that for you yet.
I am more concerned about the hair. If you told him several times how and why it is important to you... It may mean that he is immature or lacks empathy.
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I'm in a mixed relationship. My partner is Positive, I'm negative. We have sex rarely, and as time goes on less and less often. Not because I lack interest, but because he is terrified of passing it on to me.
Yes we both intellectually know the risks, I'm a top, wear a condom doing the 'right' things. Reducing the risk. ONLY reducing - there is a minor risk there. That minor risk is, in his heart (how he feels) large enough to not take chances.
Emotionally people can't except the risk. Get used to this idea. Sure they will know intellectually, but still you have to deal with the animal instinct to survive and the decades of fear that people have felt.
In this he may not be able to overcome the beast of fear.
Not unwilling, unable - there is a difference.
As for the hair. Don't know what to tell you.
Seems to me that both of you are hung up on it a wee bit too much and neither is able/willing to compromise.
If these two issues are unbearable to you, then I strongly suggest you cut this relationship off and you both go your own way.
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One's heaven is another one's hell.
tell your father your feeling about your hair.
dont overthink your relationship. Sorry but in my opinion, it will break down. Try to make new relationship with whom you can be yourself and enjoy the moment.
Best of luck
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For the first issue , you must give him time to adjust.
You have lived with it for years he has barely had 8 weeks to get his head around it.
As for the hair, start living for yourself , and leave past where it belongs in the past.
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Thanks you guys. I'm still very confused but i greatly appreciate the neutral input and perspective.
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Codis,
Take the expressed opinions (prognostications) here about the future fate of your relationship with your boyfriend with a grain of salt. If you like this guy a lot, keep trying. The worst that could happen is that you'll both learn a lot through the trying. There is no substitute for experience for the learning.
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Perhaps this chap is better as a friend than a one sided lover/boyfriend. Can you see yourself living your life like this for the duration?
It's wise to be cautious with sexual relationships, however it does seem that you are not being fulfilled.
You have invested 2 months into the relationship, if it's not going to grow any further perhaps it's time to change track to pure friendship.
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its complicated...
