Totally frustrated and confused :(

[DownMainStreet]

Hi there, I'm completely at a loss about my sexual identity, and I'm hoping to find a little advice here

Sooo a little about me first, I've been having thoughts about my possible homosexuality for a long time, since my mid teens, but I've never felt like I was absolutely gay. The people I do know that are gay will talk about how they could always feel it, but I don't "feel it" yet I cant shake the feeling.

I guess bi curious would describe me, but I don't like the idea of being on the fence with my sexuality. How am I supposed to have a committed relationship with a man/woman if I have an urge for sexual relations with the gender opposite of whomever I'm dating?
That wouldn't be fair to the person I'm dating.

I always hear about "experimentation" but I don't think that idea will work for me, I don't like the idea of having sex with someone just for sex, for example, I am 22 years old and have only ever had sex with one woman. Also, I live in a pretty small community so if I decided to date a boy to see if I liked it then I would be permanently marked as "gay" in the entire community and I would likely have to move away if I decided I wasn't gay. Not to mention how my relationship with my family would change.

It has been on the back of my mind lately that even though I had sex with a woman, I still have gay thoughts. I used to think once I had sex I would instantly know where I stood but unfortunately that obviously wasn't the case and I've still been stuck somewhere in the middle.

I really don't know where to go from here, I know that sexuality is a very complex thing and I'm not expecting that some random person on a forum can just simply give me a concrete answer that I will base my entire life off of, but if you have any guidance or ideas about how I could move forward with my issue, or if there is anything I left out that you think would help in your understating, please post
~Thank you for your time

[Nick9]

Hi DownMainStreet,

welcome to the forum.

As far as I know, there are lots of shades of bi. Some need a constant present of both sexes in their lives, some stay with one partner and have just occasional "slip ups." So, nothing is predetermined, even if you are bi.

I don't think you identify as gay if you simply want and enjoy having sex with males. You can enjoy the sex and still be straight. The more important thing is (at least for me) who you want to have relationship with. You know, to live with someone, etc.

I don't know what advice to give you. Maybe think about if you want to try sex to know what it would feel like, or if you want to hold a guy's hand and be his everything...

[Rainbowmum]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

So you are Bi curios, there is no crime in that.
It's natural , Just look at the animal kingdom.

I don't know why you insist on labeling your sexuality, you are just adding more pressure to your life.

You are worried about a committed relationship and being attracted to the opposite gender.
Well a relationship is much more than just sex, whether it be with a male or a female , it's still more than sexual attraction.
There are emotions involved and lots of work to keep the relationship on track.
I doubt that you would even consider cheating.

Don't be so hard on yourself ,give yourself time to accept who you are, warts and all.
The last thing you need right now is more pressure from societies labeling.

Hang around the guys will be here shortly.

[JasonLA]

Gay men that prefer to be on top position are more likely to experience this type of psychological process. One of or two date with men or women will not prove anything, either, because you may not find a person you really like on the first date or the first sex experience.

Do you like the smell of men or women? Pheromone is a key chemical that unconsciously induce gender-specific sexual desire. You can close your eyes to have sex with men or women, but smell is a little bit difficult to lie.

[LateBloomer]

Yup, you just need to get out there and see what trips your trigger, so to speak.



Experience is the best teacher.

I know that scares the hell out of you because it certainly did me. And I understand the problem about living in a small town.

So your choices are:

1) Stay in your town and experiment (you need to experiment, I wish it was easier, but this is how you gain experience) and then deal with the reactions...

or 2) Move away, to a big city and experiment there.

But you see the common thread? You need to experiment.

Good luck.

[Mrmatty376]

I don't really know much about anything, but I don't understand why you feel the need to categorize yourself. I mean, why not just like who you like and leave it at that. One day maybe you'll like a guy, the other you may like a girl. What difference does it make, besides the way society looks at it. I mean, It's your life, love who you want. You don't choose whether or not you like either fruits or vegetables, you probably like different kinds of both. Pretty much the same thing, just on a more extreme level. I don't understand why people insist on categorizing themselves. If nobody has noticed yet, to categorize a human is impossible. Everyone is different. Thinking otherwise creates problems, people don't accept others who aren't in their "category". Its BS. Love who you want to love. If you truly care about societies view on your life, you're pretty much screwed. Just do what you want for yourself and whoever doesn't accept that doesn't deserve your respect or friendship or whatever. I think you should just go about life and if you find someone you like, whether or not its a man or a woman, just go with it. It's for your happiness anyways. Who gives a shit what anyone else thinks. Family is a whole other problem though, that takes time and tact. You just need to explain how things are if you ever decide to go other ways, if you know what i mean. But I dunno. That's just my two cents, if you disagree, don't mind me, I'm just out there for anyone who wants the opinion.

Welcome btw! haha.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Gay, Bi, Straight is not about sex. Yeah sure the words are homosexual, Heterosexual, bisexual but there is no emphasis on the sex part.

I take it you are looking for a long term, committed relationship. No doubt sex will be part of that relationship, there is going to be a lot more about that relationship that will make your partner 'ideal' or a total mistake. Their private parts will not be all that important.

If those gay thoughts are surrounding cuddling and being in love with a man, then yeah you are most likely leaning toward the gay - if how ever its all about just sex with no interest in cuddling, kissing, being close to a man, marrying settling down, etc - then you lean further toward the straight area.

Having in interest in sex makes you a humansexual - (a made up word) - this means that you are human and have an interest in sex. What defines your sexual orientation is not who you lust after, but who you love.

[monk]

If you really insist on being one or the other, ask yourself:

1) Do I want to live the rest of my life without a relationship with a man?

2) Do I want to live the rest of my life without a relationship with a woman?


The one you can do without is not the one for you.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

[Gizzie]

no need to rush, no need to catergorize. you are who you are and will find someone right for you regardless of whether male or female,

[minhthien94]

human just make those up because they think they are so "normal."

FYI, The word "gay" didnt use wildely til 1935 in a poem wrote: "Hamlet and Lear are gay."
It just a matter of opinon...

The bottom line is dont be so stress out about it or u never enjoy your moment with your date (whether it's a man or woman).