Need Advice On Starting Long Distance Relationship

[arby]

So I don't really need to tell you all that being gay can sometimes make dating.....tricky. Before I ask my question, I should give some background: I'm out to all of my close friends, and I'm out to some of my family members (my younger sister, and my extended family don't know). Anyways it can be difficult dating when being gay, but I have another level that makes it even more "interesting" for me; I'm only attracted to fat guys. I'm not very open about this fact, and as of yet I haven't met anyone locally who is both fat and gay.

So, because of my very specific taste in men, I've taken to dating online. This is where I need help. I've recently met someone that I'm beginning to like. We've chatted a couple times, and exchanged numbers. However we have yet to really "talk" to each other, either via webcam or phone, just through texting/IMing.

The other problem is that he lives pretty far from me. I live in Ohio, he lives in North Carolina.

I need advice on how to have the best shot at making this work. I know that there's this whole "stigma" attached to LDR, that they usually don't end well, but I want to try. If anyone else has had success with long-distance dating and relationships, please give me some help.

I want to know how should I approach this? What are the "steps" I should go through dating wise? How exactly would we "date"? I can't visit him often at all, as I'm a college student on a college-student budget, and it'd be pretty expensive to visit him in person. But right now I'm more concerned with what comes BEFORE we actually meet. Do you think we could form a relationship before meeting in person, and then when we DO meet, we'd already be a couple? I feel like I shouldn't spend that kind of money just to date, but rather to visit someone who I'm already in a committed relationship with.

Sorry for the length, but it's something that's really troubling me. Thoughts?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Face to face, person to person in the same room interaction is far more complex than what our many technologies allow us to do.

There is a bonding process we humans go through that is an all senses event, sight, sounds, smell, taste, touch - our technology doesn't satisfy all of these senses, thus we never really get fully 'bonded' in a LDR.

Ever be in a room by yourself and someone walks in silently but you know they are there because you can feel their presence? The physical body has a presence, something that we need in order to bond to fully. Texting, email, phones, video, faxes - etc do not give us that baser animal sense of 'presence'.

Communication is not just by words. We read tone of voice, body language and even have wordless conversations by just body language and facial expressions. These are lost through texting and through email, and you still lose body language over the phone.

http://health.howstuffworks.com/relation...t-work.htm Explores the ten reasons why LDR fail.

Both you and this fellow are going to have to study up and work harder and keeping real communication going. You both are going to have to commit to learning what you are getting yourselves into. I would strongly suggest that you and he both have the same link and be chatting or on the phone and reading either that link or a similar one together. This way you can discuss your feelings on each point and explore and learn together - which should strengthen your ties a bit.

LDR are possible, some people (not many, not all - some) actually maintain an LDR until such time they can close the distance.

[arby]

Alright, I'll be sure to try that. It won't be right now...I still kind of feel like we're in the "getting to know each other" phase, but I'm beginning to like him a lot as I learn more about him, and so I thought I should find out what I'm getting myself into.

[LateBloomer]

I just recently attempted to manage a long distance relationship. It ultimately lasted 5 months. The distance was greater than yours but it's easier for me to travel.

The way I see it, there are (at least) two types of long distance relationships.

1) A temporary situation where the couple finds themselves separated but there are definite plans to move closer together (geographically).

2) An indefinite situation where the couple just accepts the distance but remains committed to each other even though living alone, day to day.

I think the first one is much more common and more easily managed than the second one, but let's be honest, both are very tough.

At the end of the day, both partners need to agree on the terms and be working towards the same goal.

I think one of the reasons (and there were several) why my relationship failed was due to the lack of clear agreement on exactly what we were working towards.

Good luck, you'll need it.

[arby]

At the end of the day, both partners need to agree on the terms and be working towards the same goal.

I'll keep that in mind as well. For me personally, if things worked out I could see myself trying to find a job where he lives. I'm in college now, but after I graduate of course I'll have to find work somewhere. I guess that would be more long term since I'm only a Freshman. As for short term, it'd be nice to see each other in person at least once a year.

But like I said, we're still in the early stages. I guess when I feel it's right I'll ask him about all of this, and what he thinks.

[LateBloomer]

I'll keep that in mind as well. For me personally, if things worked out I could see myself trying to find a job where he lives. I'm in college now, but after I graduate of course I'll have to find work somewhere. I guess that would be more long term since I'm only a Freshman. As for short term, it'd be nice to see each other in person at least once a year.

But like I said, we're still in the early stages. I guess when I feel it's right I'll ask him about all of this, and what he thinks.

Wow, listen, you're right. You ARE still in the early stages. You haven't even met him in person yet. And you're hoping for a visit once a YEAR, while not being able to manage a move in less than four years.

Amigo, listen to me, you are going to meet SO MANY PEOPLE at school. I know you like this guy, but Bowyn Aerrow is right, true intimacy is developed by physical closeness.

I was lucky to see my guy twice a month. And we didn't even entertain the idea of a long distance thing until we had met a couple times.

Here's the rude reality: You might meet this guy in person and realize there's something about him you don't like. Maybe his breath is bad; maybe he's rude to the waiter when you go out; maybe he has some nervous tick that bugs you...who knows? And that's the point, you won't know until you MEET him and spend TIME with him in PERSON.

Stay in touch with him, if you like, but my best advice is, KEEP SEARCHING for someone you can be with in a real material way.

[arby]

Here's the rude reality: You might meet this guy in person and realize there's something about him you don't like. Maybe his breath is bad; maybe he's rude to the waiter when you go out; maybe he has some nervous tick that bugs you...who knows? And that's the point, you won't know until you MEET him and spend TIME with him in PERSON.

Stay in touch with him, if you like, but my best advice is, KEEP SEARCHING for someone you can be with in a real material way.

I guess I made it sound more important than it is to me. I don't really have any solid plans atm, and I'm not committing myself to him or anything like that. These are just things that have come to my mind. I guess what I'm saying is that you seem to have the impression I'm getting ahead of myself, but I don't see it that way. None of the things I have mentioned are absolutes, and for all I know we could stop talking to each other tomorrow. All I'm saying is that I'm beginning to like him, and I was curious about how this would work IF it went any further.

I would really like to find someone closer, but as I said before it's proven to be difficult.

[LateBloomer]

I guess I made it sound more important than it is to me. I don't really have any solid plans atm, and I'm not committing myself to him or anything like that. These are just things that have come to my mind. I guess what I'm saying is that you seem to have the impression I'm getting ahead of myself, but I don't see it that way. None of the things I have mentioned are absolutes, and for all I know we could stop talking to each other tomorrow. All I'm saying is that I'm beginning to like him, and I was curious about how this would work IF it went any further.

I would really like to find someone closer, but as I said before it's proven to be difficult.

Ah, ok, it get it. You're just mulling over the idea in your head. That's cool and natural I guess.

I was just concerned you might fall in love over the phone and pass up other opportunities closer to you that might work out better.

Truly wish you the best of luck, but you're young, you have lots of time to search for the right guy.

[arby]

Ah, ok, it get it. You're just mulling over the idea in your head. That's cool and natural I guess.

I was just concerned you might fall in love over the phone and pass up other opportunities closer to you that might work out better.

Truly wish you the best of luck, but you're young, you have lots of time to search for the right guy.

Yeah, that's a better way of putting it. Right now my concern is with how I could get to know him better, short of actually seeing him in person since that's just not possible right now.

I know this is going to sound like I'm negating what I just said, but this isn't really specifically about this guy, more of a philosophical view in general. I'd say that while of course actually being around the person is the BEST way to meet them, I'd disagree that it's the only way. Video-chatting would be what I would consider the closest to meeting a person, short of actually being with them. Obviously nothing beats actual contact, I completely agree with you there. But I don't think it's impossible to gauge how I would respond to a person based on video-chatting, phone calls, etc etc.

But to get back to my original question, I guess it'd be best to take it in chunks? So for example, as Bowyn suggested, the first real step after getting to know him would be discussing between the two of us our thoughts on a long distance relationship, and the various things we could do to make it work, as well as I guess what we'd "expect"?

[Buffylo]

and... this thread made me cry.