Possible abusive relationship?

[zeon]

Hello,
Now you all may remember sometime back i split with my boyfriend and he has since found another guy... Well despite us both holding a mortgage together I have noticed at ex has various marks on his body to which i think is definately abuse taking place... Now im not a violent type HOWEVER i do protect my friends because my friends are my family so what do you guys think???

A few weeks ago i noticed a mark of burnt skin on my ex's arm and asked him whats this??? He said to me that his partner a few days prior in the pub figured it would be funny to stub out his cigarette on him and I said Why??? He told me that he did it back and made him suffer and I said but two wrongs dont majke it right and I told you that when we were together.... I was also informed that his new boyfriend kept hitting him on the wrist and my ex told him to stop it but he kept on doing it and as a result did cause a little swelling which has since gone down.. I was concerned and felt it needed to be seen at at the A&E department but he declined and said his not going there...

Well over the past few weeks he has come home pretty upset at times because his boyfriend is ripping hairs out of him on the arms and legs and he told me that this is done in jest... Now im unsure whether his being a billy bullshitter or too scared to face facts and reality to that his bf is being abusive... I know with me i wouldnt tolerate this and despite him not being my boyfriend anymore... I wouldnt tolerate this still and unsure whether i should go in there and do an Aunty special and be as blunt as a bastard and be Captain Obvious with my remarks... Now this is how i would be if a friend was being abused by a partner id be straight in at their defence tearinfg the relationship up and saying fuck u u silly slapper the shite i just trod in has more sense than your ever have! etc etc usual remarks... But i dont wanna seem the bitter ex so... I want an outsiders opion? It isnt affecting his ability to go to work and all seems well there but i have noticed his bf is very possessive and to the point that his telling him nights his staying at his Monday - Saturday and one night he stays in his own home....

He told him also to give up everything he has in life and when i found out my first line words was... Over my dead body i didnt pick u from the streets as a virtually homeless person who i fell for to get you a mortgage so u can go back there... Now i have given a little nudge to get him to get away but his insisting his going to stick it out to experience manchester pride in August and im dead concerned because i dont

A, Want him coming back in pieces if all goes tits up or

B, Have to drive from Brighton to Manchester because his been in an arguement and i get a repeat again from four years ago where i drove this distance when his friend deserted him in manchester and got a train to scotland....

Whats your views?

Aunty Zeon x

[mrk2010]

As your friend, I would say unless he asks for your help or says something is going on then leave it . . .
I don't want to sound like a total bitch but to be honest I just think its karma coming back around. From what you have told me your ex is a bit of a get, maybe you should hear both sides of the story? Maybe he's been violent with the guy drunk? And the guy has hit him back or anything? I know this sounds bad but maybe you should let him get on with it, from personal experience having had a bad ex and abusive relationship I don't feel like I can have a good view on this.

[zeon]

That is understandable mister... I tried to let him get on with it but with me im just a bundle of hugs and want everything to be right for everyone and do what i need to do to try to makje it right

[mrk2010]

That is understandable mister... I tried to let him get on with it but with me im just a bundle of hugs and want everything to be right for everyone and do what i need to do to try to makje it right

As I've said previously its a weird living arrangement your in, and must throw Up some weird situations,

[ceez]

I'm going to side with mrk2010 on this one, if he was a bad boyfriend then it's karma biting him in the ass, I would get his bf side too. unless he's coming back with a black eye or broken bones I would let him know the doors always open but let him try to stick it out.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Yes it sounds like abuse.

(sigh) Unfortunately your ex isn't viewing it as abuse and most likely is working real hard at coming up with excuses for the abuser.

Your 'telling him' what is happening will, if he is protecting the abuser (we do these sorts of things) either flat out deny it or run away from you. If he runs away from you he will run into the lair of the abuser.

Do you have a nice setting? A compassionate, not intimating, un-mad setting to where you can talk calmly, coolly and collected like without being a 'blunt bastard'? If so, then try using that tactic. Be nice, and tell him that from the outside it looks like he is being abused.

The next time he is harmed then be a bit more strict - just a bit more, and really question the 'soundness' of these being 'all in good fun' - without being all 'Captain Obvious' and pushing him to run away from you.

You might want to do some websearching and reading before you proceed. http://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en#hl=en&...94&bih=613

Those sites will tell you the mindset of the abuser and the abused and how these relationships really work and why its usually so hard to get the victim of abuse to admit that there is a problem.

You know your ex pretty well, so most likely can tell if he is lying, or if he is in denial or anything like that.

[pellaz]

Don't get involved.

It sounds like your upset

Stay away.

[Rainbowmum]

It sounds like abuse to me.
All you can do is tell him you are there for him , no matter what.

Keep an eye on things , usually in an abusive relationships the abuser tries to alienate the abused from everyone.

[dfiant]

The people that we can see that need the help the most are usually the ones who are last to admit they need help, and there is nothing you can do until they admit there is a problem and they need help.

All you can do is stand aside and watch the train wreck in slow motion and be there at the end as a friend.

[mrk2010]

One thing I would like to suggest to you is to kind of take some me time and take a kind of backseat role in the way you view it. As your friend I want you to be happy and maybe with you in the equation as well it could bring up tensions. Looking at it now you guys were together for 6 years and share a lot of history but unfortunately it has come to an end. You can be a friend and be there for him but that's all you can be now. There is obviously a reason you ended it when you did and called it quits, I just don't want you maybe 6 months down the line to get involved in that mess again. I really hope one day you can find someone who can respect you and give you the respect you deserve mr. If there is one thing I can suggest to you is say no more and kind of do things for yourself rather than being a saint or as I like to call you "the mother of mercy". So please take some time out rethink things and have some you time. X

I thought I'd write a reply which was more substantial than saying "it's karma".