Hiya…’
I would like to know your reaction to the following. I was with my partner for five years we split in 1993. We had some good times, and also some bad…’ I missed him, and in 1997 decided to get in touch with him, we met for an hour, and then I called him next day, he answered his mobile, chatted, but that was just the once he was too busy and cut me off not whilst talking he just never bothered afterwards. I never heard from him again until now.
Before I go into the next bit, I will say I have made my decision as hard as it is to do, and that is to totally cut him off. I am a very genuine guy, and for me to do this, well, its not like me at all, but then he knows this and is playing on this side of my personality. Basically he got in touch via email from a site I was on, and I replied, gave him my mobile and home number. He is now housebound, and needs carers, which are not forthcoming, and you guessed it he has asked me to help him. I have only spoke to him about four times in the last two weeks. Tonight he spoke about the lack of carers, and also it would be good if I could help during the day and come home at night, then he said, move in…’ I don’t know if he was serious about moving in, but obviously he must have been. Caring as in washing him, etc...'
Now I am not doing this as I cared for my mother who passed with cancer, and I also cared for my younger Nephew who died with a disability. What advice would you all give me…? Totally not answer him, in fact maybe that is the best way as I am too genuine too helpful, and telling him No on the phone would only end up with him trying to win me round. He is older than me, I am 38 and live on my own with one or two friends. He also lives further away now about 15 to 20 miles...' I have most probably answered my own problem here...but felt the need to ask you guys for your help if possible...'
thanks...
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"How did your relationship end" is my first question - was there a big break-up ? Or did you just drift apart ? Did one of you decide to throw in the towel ?
Providing us with a little background on that side of things will help us to discern whether there may be any underlying animosity and so on, and from there we can be a bit more objective.
However, in the absence of that, then I would say that it's a rather tough one to call in my eyes - you do have history together, and so it is quite possible that he is calling out to you in a very needy moment, when he perhaps feels quite alone and is after a good, close friend to take care of him ...
The flipside is, of course, that he could be manipulating you into bending over backwards to help him out, knowing that you're very good-natured, and perhaps easier swayed than some more hardnosed people might be.
More questions though - if he's in need of care why isn't he receiving it ?
Come back and tell us some more about it please, and we'll try and help you further.
I don't see any reason why you should feel obligated to do it, definitely not - your relationship with him is over, and so it's not your DUTY to care for him in any way ... but as I say, I can't rule out the possibility that it's not a bona fide request on his part at this time ...
!?!?! Shadow !?!?!
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hiya
It came to an end when my mam was in the final stages of cancer..though throughout the relationship apart from good times there were times when I wanted out...and I eventually did get out of it. Namely due to him being controlling...one example after we split a day or two later I agreed to meet up with him..he drove onto the motorway trying his best to get back with me...my answer was no, so he said if he cant have me no one will, and so he speeded and also tried throwing me out...at night on an empty part of the motorway miles from home...I told him I had to get back to my mam...'
there were some brilliant times..but then there was the nasty side of him...even in the relationship
So I suppose my question from this point of view is answered...I think it is now with me having spoken to him again it is like there is no reason to cut him off...with the carers he was having trouble getting them and was offered a two week stay in a care place...he has family relatives at a distance say 20 miles they help...and in one way even if he had carers I would still be asking for the same advice.....
it is truly appreciated any advice you can give...from his point of view me not replying to his calls it would be like what is wrong as we were getting on on the phone..just that after the last time I spoke I got the clear message his life has come to a standstill..not busy anymore and so tries to come back into my life..yet seven years ago when I wanted friendship I got no reply back at all...
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There's a couple of nuances to this subject.
Firstly it sounds as though you want to go back to him but you're confused because you still "care" for him or your concern is that you're just sympathetic to his current situation and therefore may be getting sucked in by those feelings you still hold.
You never really get over someone you loved, sure you move on and meet someone new, but you always have a special place in your heart and sometimes that can be taken for granted.
Why does he need a carer? Perhaps he's reaching out to you because he knows your vulnerabilities. Don't let any feelings of guilt rule your decision on this... it's been 7 years after all... you're not obliged to do anything.
But then you also have to question what your motives are for considering this. What is it you expect if you do go to him? Are you assuming more from this than what he intends to deliver? If so then what is the outcome likely to be based on your previous experience with him and the fact that he currently needs a carer.
Think very carefully before you jump into anything. You may move in with him with certain expectations that he has no intentions (or idea) of delivering (or that he intends to deliver only because you're his last resort) and you'll be in a predicament that will only make both your lives unbearable.
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hiya
thanks for your replies...there would be nothing I got from this..from this situation. And I am just too forgiving...and if I look at this from a true angle I am overlaying past good times, how things were onto now, when things have changed.
I have just remembered two sayings...one is that "it is better to change than to walk backwards on your life" another is what a clairvoyant told me "if you are hesitant or unsure about something then the answer must be no as your intuition is trying to guide you but the conscious mind keeps getting in the way".
I feel what I am trying to get through is that the feeling of not speaking, cutting him off, after chatting, its not the caring of this person because I would not do that anyway. I am picking up on, or I should say I am thinking of his feelings, like why have I cut him off, etc. because that is what he is going to be thinking. I suppose like many others I always am too considerate, putting their feelings before my own.
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Well, whilst I know I should advocate turning the other cheek and rising above, as that is the right thing to do conventionally, I have to say that there are times in life when it seems right to adopt a "turnabout's fair play" mentality, and so yes - if you feel justified in saying to him (effectively), "the boot's on the other foot, and yet now YOU expect to be treated with velvet gloves ? I don't THINK so luvvaboy", then I cannot fault you for it ...
I've been in similar situations myself, and I am not minded to give ground once I've been slighted - if you want me to treat you with care and respect, do the same for me - it's really that simple  mile:.
Hope that's of some help babe xx
!?!?! Shadow !?!?!
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This is all a very tough situation but you have said a number of times that you have decided to end it all. If you are looking for confirmation on that - it is somewhat unfair because we have not lived your life or know every detail, so it is up to you...
With you being so caring and such, I am the same type so it would be difficult for me too... but he did try to throw you from a speeding car... again we only have one side but this would be difficult to forgive!
If it was possible for me to just be phone or email friends and keep it all at a distance then I might try that but see if he tries to manipulate the situation. If he cant understand that you need the space then you will have to end it completely.
good luck,
frank
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Oh this is so familiar! In all honesty and without rancour I would NOT take this on. He sounds like a fair weather friend to me. You may have had some good times in the relationship but you yourself say he has a nasty streak. A Leopard does not change it's spots and he would be nice at the beginning of any arrangement but would soon lapse into his old ways.
No,.... tell him you will remain a contact but you want a free life and not be a carer any more having done that twice already. It is never the same second time around..........Bobby
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hiya enigma
thanks for the reply...since monday night..he has messaged me once on facebook...saying he has tried phoning but he gets no answer..is everything all right...
I have not replied..
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soulsin Wrote:hiya enigma
thanks for the reply...since monday night..he has messaged me once on facebook...saying he has tried phoning but he gets no answer..is everything all right...
I have not replied..
Yeah keep it like that SS. If he ignored you all those years then obviously you were out of sight and out of mind. Now he is in a hole he is crying for help. I had the same experience three times in my life and once they realise you are not a plaything they give up.
Best regards....Bobby
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