Personal Paramnesia

[Pinter]

I doubt that all gemini are TG

But who knows?

People are people. I'd put as much faith in fireworks as stars. (I'm assuming that's how astrology works!)

Being born a gemini is just a handy excuse.

sounds like a bad place to experiment and find the new you.

Mostly it's a language barrier thing. If I find a willing lad or lady, who knows?

[Nick9]

Being born a gemini is just a handy excuse.

You don't need any excuse, you know that, don't you?

[Pinter]

Oh, stop being such a teddy bear!

Excuses can be fun!

[spencer]

I know there's already a discussion going on here but I'd like to butt in with my opinion and it might be helpful to et a TS/TG opinion.

It sounds like you're focussing on a lot of stereotypes to define yourself, or kind of looking at it as black and white. Which I don't think is really a good idea, especially when gender comes in to play. It's not all black and white. I did immediately think TG when reading your post. TG is an umbrella term. a TG person is not necessarily a TS person but a TS person is a TG person. You don't have to do hormones or surgeries to to be either and there are some TS women who are still comfrotable with keeping and using their given genitals. I've also noticed a lot of people really expanding the concept of gender. I've met and heard of people that don't identify as either gender or identify as both, or sometimes one and sometimes the other. It doesn't sound like you're full on TS but that you might just have a different way of defining your gender however it may be. I'm trying to make sense without using labels or whatever because I'm not you, so I'm just makign guesses and trying to throw useful things out there to ponder on.

In my little adventure of being a TS I've learned, sometimes you just don't need to worry about a label. I've figured out what gender I wanna be called but I still have issues putting a label on my sexuality. I feel misleading saying gay and I feel like pansexual just doesn't feel right. So I just do what is me and don't often worry about calling it anything. Maybe it's easier for me because I've figured out what I need to do and I don't know, maybe it's easier that I'm on an extreme end when it looks like you might be somewhere in the middle. And maybe you're not TG at all, maybe you're just a guy with some "female" qualities.

You're on a journey I can say that for sure. x3

[Jtaw3]

...I am a single man living.... somewhere....

...I suppose in this post it might also be relevant that I'm a virgin, or haven't even been kissed yet...

...I'd like to be swept off my feet...

...There was no kissing, but there was physical contact and I gotta say... done more for me then any of the gentlemen at this point...

...I would love to be attractive enough to turn heads, or at least attractive enough for someone to notice me...

...I know it's not the best to look for long term, but... any term?
Mostly, I'd just like to be blazingly hot to counter my own stuttering sex drive, haha...

...Possibly, yeah. My history of relations wouldn't be anything to make coloring books out of...

...Mostly, I just came here to ask... what the hell am I? It's a bit of a problem...

...I guess it all boils down to the fact that I'd like to be the desired than the desirer...

Ok, here is my observation: Considering the quotes above, it seems to me that you are just one reeaaaaaally lonely guy (no offense). And no, I'm not implying that you are yearning to be in a cheesy romance fit for an 80's Julia Roberts movie (and its ok if you are). I'm simply looking at the similar themes throughout your posts and then drawing lines between the common elements.
You seemed to be aiming at finding anyone, despite gender, to be with intimately (not necessarily sexually)...or, at the very least, on the receiving end of some human attention.

Now, I'm guessing that the no sex drive probably stemmed from not ever having sex. Your body won't spend the extra energy producing testosterone If it doesn't have to. This could also be playing a factor in why you may not feel comfortable in your body, as you may not be producing an average level of testosterone. But, take all this with a grain of salt. Im not a doctor or medical specialist so this assumption IS just a spitball of an idea... Hell, you may actually have quite the sex drive, just not one driving towards sex WITH another person - I don't know the deets.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to establish is that without your sex drive gunning at the helm, you may be looking for that non-sexual partnership instead - which doesn't have to be gender specific. This could help to understand why you get such great pleasure from simple things like comfortable dates, while still long for the attention that a 'blazzin hottie' gets at a bar. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think human interaction/ recognition may be one of those things that keeps us sane. Personally, I can't imagine how awful it would be to feel totally isolated (not saying you are or feel in such a way).

To me, you seem to be after a non-sexual version of the same thing everyone else is: companionship. Everyone wants it but defines it differently: It could be a different sexual partner every night, or it could be a pretend friend named Wilson (who happens to be a volleyball with a face painted from your hand blood ... sorry, i just recently watched Castaway). Regardless of how its defined, its the same damn thing.

Then consider your job: obscure location (im guessing), not incredibly lucrative, BUT you absolutely love what you do; the children you work with give you a level of attention that no one else has given you before. In fact, I would be bold enough to say that some of those kids might even love you (platonically), and you them (again platonically). A child, however, will not replace the companionship of two adults, which, again I'm guessing, is why you're still looking to solve this puzzle despite the level of love you maintain for your job.

Also, Keep in mind that the "companionship" I'm referring to is not the same thing as what is considered a 'relationship.'
It could simply be based on a close proximity with someone you share many similarities - It's whatever you need it to be.

Anyway, I don't think there is anything really wrong with you. We all want attention from people, be it sexual or non-sexual, as it helps us to self-validate.

You may just go about it in a different way.

Yes? No? Let me know.

[Nick9]

That's really interesting point of view, Jtaw3

[Jtaw3]

That's really interesting point of view, Jtaw3

Haha interesting doesn't necessarily mean good...

[Nick9]

Haha interesting doesn't necessarily mean good...

It does actually. Because interesting makes you think

[Pinter]

Thanks everyone. I don't feel like responding to two more people in depth, but... in a general sense:

@spenser: I hear what you're saying. However, I'm pretty sure I don't want to try any hormone/surgeries, or whatever. I guess the easiest analogy would be that perhaps I'm a guy who likes playing soccer more than basketball. However, I happened to be perfectly equipped to play basketball. I have good hand/eye coordination, good stamina, and I can jump. Plus, I don't really mind playing basketball, it's still fun. If I'm being completely honest, I would rather play soccer, but my foot coordination is terrible, I'm not good at checking, or spotting teammates to pass the ball to. Unfortunately, I can only play one. I would rather play basketball, have an all right time, and be good at it, than play soccer and never get what I want out of the game at all.

As far as gender goes, someone said MtF, and I think I'm... maybe more mixed? Constantly asking questions myself.

@Jtaw3: I think you hit a few spots pretty dead on.

For instance, I am pretty lonely... but that's kinda what happens when you move around a lot, and your only constant companions are two parents who fight lots, and realize that you're all that keeps them together (and verbally wailing on each other). I've thought for a while that I've come to terms with my loneliness, but maybe I haven't? Who knows.

If I had to hazard a guess as to my low sex drive: well, along with my history of moving around a lot, and isolation, I have also had a pretty spectacular history of sexual harassment. I wasn't even open about who I may or may not be sexually, just a new kid in the middle of a school of jocks. Until I learned to fight. Then I moved to another school, where everything was pretty much cool until I started getting harassed... wait for it... because my dad died. For two years. I won't get that into it for obvious reasons, but I will say it was a lot of girls doing it at the time. The fact that none of them even got brought in to be yelled at was a big eye opener in how different men and women are treated, and probably a big first step into wishing I were born something else. Not because I wanted to inflict the same on someone else, but I stated to feel that if I had a pair of tits I wouldn't have to deal with any of that bullshit.

You pretty much hit the nail on the head about my job. Except the lucrative part. I make pretty good money, but the reason it wouldn't (probably) be seen as a positive is that I'm not doing anything I studied for in college, and basically threw four years of my life away. I would like to find some companionship. I would also like some sex, haha. That's where I find my lack of a sex drive is a big problem. Most people only want both in the same person... and it's not exactly something I would mind either. It would be great, actually.

However, it's like... here's the biggest problem with non-sexual companionship. I did have someone I would call a companion. I felt better whenever I talked to her, she would tell me shit she didn't even tell her husband or family, etc. Not to say that she didn't also love her husband or her family, but we were really close. Then she had a baby, and I moved away to... wherever I am now. We haven't talked more than three times in like, a whole year. If you don't have a bond anchoring you to someone, whenever they do form that bond with someone or something else, you're sunk. While I've often felt the idea of non-sexual companionship appeals to me, I find it ultimately unsustainable. And I would, as I said, like some sex eventually.

Thanks again for everyone who's posting in this thread!

[Nick9]

I would rather play basketball, have an all right time, and be good at it, than play soccer and never get what I want out of the game at all.

hopefully you will be this content all the time.

I am sorry about your previous experience.