A moment to rant

[spencer]

-Sorry I kinda wrote a novel, don't feel obligated to read this unless you're bored or just really want to -

So hi guys I'm back after disappearing. I got distracted, with a guy actually. Someday we're gonna get married and have babies but someday, 3 weeks in a relationship is too soon for all that. Anyway, he lives an hour away and it's a totally easy drive. So he got a job with the carnival so it's going to be harder to see him, I BELIEVE he's only working it until August, he's hoping to move to my neighborhood area in fall so yeah. Whoot.

On Monday, in like two days from now he's staying the night at my house and meeting my parents. Yay! That's exciting. Well let's backtrack a little. I don't remember when it feels like months ago when it was actually like last Wednesday or something he broke his phone. So I have literally no way of contacting him. Yeah there's facebook, he doesn't have a computer and I'm sure working with the carnival access to a computer is even more difficult. Monday he'll be about half an hour away with the carnival, which is why he's able to come to my house..oh did I mention he also doesn't have a car? Yeah, so I'm supposed to pick him. Issues: I haven't had any contact with him in two days, well this is day 2. I have NO idea what time or where to pick him up. I tried googling the carnival but I forget what it's called and have had no luck. I work tomorrow so I doubt he'll be able to contact me before Monday. And I am person who likes to be planned out well ahead of time. So I'm stressed.

On top of that just not being able to contact him is stressing me out. I literally spend all my time trying to pass the time and waiting for hime to call, from another person's phone obviously. I'm a little obsessed, I know it's unhealthy and I could trudge through it until he gets a phone I think he said it'll take like a week because he had no money so needs to get paid EXCEPT FOR the fact that Friday, or yesterday, I received news that my grandfather, who I'm incredibly close too, has either the night or the weekend until he passes, he's had cancer for 2 years going untreated because he's ready and doesn't want to suffer. Well he made it through the night but we'll see what happens the next few days. You can only be so prepared for these things.

I have never lost anyone to death before, so my first time experiencing this kind of loss is also with a very close loved on. So that's kind of freaking me out. I don't like dealing with emotional things with family, it's just weird to me. My parents are the LAST people I would ever discuss any type of depressing problems too. So naturally I would LIKE to turn to my boyfriend but I have no way of contacting him of course. And I could completely pass off my insanity of not being able to talk to him every day and send him a text whenever I want like I usually do as just me being obsessive and I would be okay, knowing that I'm just crazy and should stop that. But considering the circumstances it's gone beyond me just being obsessive to me not being able to find comfort from the ONE person in the entire world able to give me that comfort.

Yes I know I didn't know him like a month ago, but had I never met him I would then say..well I'd probably just be on here trying to get it from you guys. Okay I have a couple friends I know are there for me but it's just not..doing it for me. I also think that since I'm not awesome at dealing with painful things I think I'm taking my focus away from my grandpa, the more painful issues, and projecting towards the less painful issue, my boyfriend not having a phone, because that's easier to deal with. I think at least.

I've also just accepted that Monday just won't happen, he's not going to be able to find a phone and contact me so he won't meet my parents and the next opportunity for that to happen will take forever and I can't go visit him until, well he's at home from the carnival job and until he's met my parents. I'm sure that's not true and I'm sure what'll happen is he'll call me Sunday, probably when I'm at work and WON'T be able to answer it or he'll call me on Monday when he's ready for me to pick him up.

I also did a tarot reading on our relationship, things are going just as the cards said and everything will be fine so as long as I don't overreact to the small things and manage to be strong through the hard things. I can't decide if not having a phone is a small or big thing but I'm just trying to remember to remain calm, don't overreact, and I'll get through, he'll get a phone and then things will be back to normal. I just can't do it, and it's weird because it's like I'm raging pissed at him, he broke his phone because he threw it at wall after a fight with one of his friends so it wasn't like he accidentally dropped it or something innocent like that. But then I feel bad for being pissed off because I know he wouldn't intentionally upset me but I just feel like if I could just tell him how completely miserable this lack of phone thing is making me I would just feel better, just so he knows that I'm not happy right now. I feel like he's going through the day doing his work and being fine while I'm sitting here feeling worse than hell. I think I have a trust issue or I'm just paranoid or something. It's relating to my self-esteem issues I know because I always need reassurance that I'm cared for.

I really just wanted to get that out. I've had all this crappy negative energy building up for the last few days and I'm getting sick of it.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I have no idea where Merriam is (Kansas?) - I would suggest looking to see if there are shows or event planner in your local newspaper. When the carnival comes to our area its location and hours and dates of operation are listed in the local newspaper.

If you know the town his company is playing in, it should be in the newspaper - most likely they might have ran a coupons ad to ring in customers.

As for literally passing the time and waiting for him to call - that sounds very needy. What did you do before you met him to entertain yourself when alone? Go back to do that - or something instead of waiting for the phone to ring.

There are various important life lessons being presented to you right now. One is how to deal with being alone (when he can't be there) and figuring out what to do with yourself.

As for not being able to talk to your folks - that is pretty sad. Perhaps now is a good time to start changing that and try to grow closer to your folk?

Try to find a purpose a reason a lesson in all things.

You will be OK. Just take a deep breath and remember to keep breathing.

[pellaz]

grandfather
I am sorry to hear he is leaving you. My mother passed away 2010, it feels sad to be alone. Every boy on the planet will loose their parents, in this case your grandfather. Be strong, try to live the life they would want you to.

you need to create a support group around you
parents, boy friends, are not enough. A good guy or lady friend can help, someone to go to and talk

[avidcyclistMTB]

Having smashed a phone in a very pivotal point in my life, I can relate to your potential BF. I can only say be patient with him as the person in my life was with me. It will be OK or it won't and sometimes letting go of control of the uncontrollable things in your life can be the one of the best lessons in life.

I'm sorry about your Grandfather. I lost my very close Gram and had a hard time dealing that, but I visit her grave site regularly and talk with her as if she's right in front of me.

Good luck mate. Be strong.

[monk]

As for not being able to talk to your folks - that is pretty sad. Perhaps now is a good time to start changing that and try to grow closer to your folk?

I'm sure it would be advantageous to both sides, if you can. Remember, they're grieving too.

[spencer]

I couldn't get online the other day and that added quite a bit to my stress but the Universe has made me look a fool and my boyfriend called me yesterday at the time I wanted to be leaving to go get him to tell me that he got a new phone and was ready for me to pick him up.

I can definately say I learned some things about being strong and having patience which I think is the theme of my life right now. My grandpa has also made it through the weekend and I think after these last few days of insanity just to see that everything was going to be okay in the end I'll be more prepared for the next big thing, which will probaby be the my grandpa's passing, and go a little less crazy. Ahah. I guess this was just a practice round.

I also learned that the carnival season doesn't end until October and I'm not sure how well I'm gonna handle that. But I will be able to see him and I can still talk to him on his phone and I think with that I'll be okay. He did tell my mom about a job offer he has in the area at a law office but he has to wait until a case he's a part of is over so I don't know how and when all that's going to play out but since he told my mom he wants to move to Kansas City I'm gonna say he's serious about it and when it's supposed to happen it'll happen.

[Rainbowmum]

First let me say , I am very sorry about your grandfather.


It seems like a lot has landed on your lap right now ,perhaps you can try to talk to your parents.
Give it a go , they may surprise you.