Brand New Member: Straight girl - SOS

[GayBFF]

I’ll just get straight to the facts:

I met this young man just over a year ago.

We’ve been inseparable since then.

We talk/text every day.

We tell each other we love each other every day.

He’s very very gay and I get that, but he KNOWS I’m in love with him, and still calls me constantly, telling me he needs to see me, etc.. He always starts phone calls with, “whom are you with? Are you cheating on me? You like him…more than you like me.” Things like that.

We’ve never come out and said it, but he does indeed know that I’ve fallen in love with him. He tries to get me to admit this, but I just drop my eyes and pout and look the other way, or try to walk away, but he’ll pull on my sweater and hold me close. I’ll grab him and pull him close, breathing into his neck, then push him away. “get over yourself”, I say, finally breaking away from him. His gaze follows me, both of us knowing the truth, but not coming out to discuss it. He’s very sensitive and won’t come out and say “I love you too, but not that way”…or what ever could be in his mind. Who knows at this point?

When I first met him, he dressed very gay, etc., but now, he’s extremely masculine in his dress and manner. We spend almost every waking moment together, sleeping in my bed, cuddling, etc. We kiss on the lips, and when we’re tipsy, he’s very touch feely. He likes my D cups, but says they’re ‘just toys’ and doesn’t see them as a sexual object. He picks out my clothes and had me buy dark red lipstick which I only wear when we’re together. I wear the perfume he likes, and he wears what I like. When we go on trips apart from each other, we each carry a swatch of the other’s scent. When we’re together, he constantly talks about other guys, chats, etc., but recently got rid of all his ‘gay’ apps, stating that it’s because he likes this guy and he’s giving it up for him, but this guy isn’t even into him, and when my bff comes over or calls after hanging out with this new guy, he says he feels very ‘unfulfilled.”. ??

Since I’ve known him, he’s had one boyfriend – needless to say, I didn’t care for him, but always put on a brave face, although my bff would lovingly look down at me and gently ask me to be nice, but he loved that I was insanely jealous, to which I would never admit, but my bff would always just nod and say “mmmhmmm”. After 7 months, my bff broke up with him. I was relieved of course, but also sad that it apparently made my bff sad as well, although it was his idea. To this day, he still won’t say exactly why they broke up.

He knows I’ve only had sex with one person my entire life. He says and does things to embarrass me; but it’s usually all in good fun. He recently told me that he plans on having sex with a woman over the summer ‘to experiment’, he says. “Please promise me one thing,” I asked. "I don’t want to know who it is or when it happens – ok?” Ok, he said, laughing.

Now I’m quite older than him. Everywhere we go, people stare at us, as we’re very affectionate in public and make a joke about ‘making people think dirty things about us” lol. I would never try to ‘seduce’ a gay man (that’s just disrespectful and sick in my opinion). Every time EVERY TIME I try to pull away, he pulls me close and will text me things that make me believe he truly is IN MY HEAD. It’s very strange, this connection we have. I know many women fall in love with their gay bff’s – I get it. But I’m in this forum to try to find out more about how the gay mind works.

Help! What do I do? Pull away? Is he confused? Sigh.

[LateBloomer]

I'm not gonna tell you what to do but I will make one observation.

The relationship between you two is preventing both of you from pursuing something real and genuine with other people.

In other words, it's (pardon the expression) dysfunctional and codependent.

Both of you continue with the charade in order to protect yourself from the risks of honest intimacy.

Just my honest opinion.
Good luck.

[GayBFF]

Thank you. I most def have intamacy issues. I hadn't really thought about him having the same. Interesting insight.

[LateBloomer]

Thank you. I most def have intamacy issues. I hadn't really thought about him having the same. Interesting insight.

Been there; done that.



Listen, at least your codependency isn't hinged on drugs/alcohol (or so it seems from your post).

Bottom line, neither one of you are fully available to the other (that's why it's low risk). But in the meantime you're addicted to the fake intimacy you're sharing with each other.

Clean yourself up (improve your self-esteem), kick the habit (be alone for awhile, as scary as that seems) and then start dating someone for real.

Ooops. I just told you what to do. All I know is, it took me about 35 years to figure this shit out.

Good luck.

[dfiant]

What Latebloomer says. Pretty much my thoughts as well

[pellaz]

can you guys be there to support eachother with it not taking over your lives?

[GayBFF]

Good feedback, all, and thanks. That's why I registered on here; looking for fresh perspective

[jamiebfd]

How old is he?
If he talks about experimenting with a woman...this could be a hint at you.
Maybe he was giving you the come on in a subtle way.
if he is young he may be confused and just starting to realise he is actually bisexual.
Have you mentioned him experimenting with you? The comfort levels sound amazing for the two of you. Maybe it would be better for the both of you if you found out together.
BUT.... for you...the pain may get worse if you do things and he realises its not for him.
Im no expert but that is my opinion on your troubles. And maybe you will get hurt. but at least you will have a clear head .
Also.... if you think doing this could damage your friendship...dont do it! try a different approach.
Why not try this....
Tell him you have a date...see his reaction....say you really like the sound of the guy etc. See if he dislikes the idea of you being with another man.

[GayBFF]

Jamiebfd:

He's 19, 6'4", and gorgeous. Heads turn when he enters a room. When I first met him, he was all over the map: chatting on several diff sites, coffee dates/hook ups on the weekends...gradually over time, that's all stopped. He's extremely intelligent (already has a college degree and speaks 4 languages). Older men are always attracted to him, and he only prefers older ppl. After being together all day or night, when we drive away we immediately text each other: "I miss you already." This feels like your typical new love, but why does there have to be so many lables? Why can't love just be love?

And no, I'm too shy to ask if he is considering me as his first experience...yikes. When I mention another guy (I do get asked out, sometimes often), he just smiles and says "Do it!" To which I'll reply, "I'm not sure if I caaann; eeek!" He just looks right through me and says, "Mmmmhmmm thought so." The one guy I did express interest in (and had dinner with), after, he called me ans this is how the convo went:

Him: "How is he?"
Me: "Very nice."
Him: "So you really like him-yay!"
Me: "Perhaps. He's pretty cute and a lot of fun. I like his sense of humor."
Him: "You DO like him!"
Me: "Yeah."
Him: "You like him more than you like me."
Me: "NO...I like him different, that's all."
And then he changes the subject.

Aside from this, we DO have real conversations about our family, our past, our future, we cry together, share fears and dreams/goals, etc., but this type of banter goes on quite a bit.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm going to throw out a derogatory term here: Fag-Hag.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.ph...=fag%20hag

In general terms you and others like you share a lot of commonalities - you either love or are in love with a 'safe' man and they are willing and often able to provide you with stuff that straight men cannot.

You are 'safe' for him as well. If he is well defined in his homosexuality, then he knows he can be close to you without the sexual pressures that dating other men would give him.

Will and Grace was a popular TV show - Their relationship was that of a gay and his fag-hag. The relationship of Karen and Jack was also a similar relationship.

The issue here is you two may not be on the same page. I suspect that your gay-pal is into joking and having fun with this relationship, thus the suggestive phrases, hints, winks etc - he is having fun and you may be taking it too seriously.

My partner has a "fag-hag" who is married, has three kids and her husband (his name is dirk, I call him dick) has this bad habit of waking up in the wrong woman's bed. As such the relationship between her and my partner is one where she is getting emotional support and even getting some of the things she doesn't get from her husband - friendship, cuddling, emotional sharing, etc. There is no sex involved between my partner and her. However there is this deep emotional sharing which frankly I sometimes envy since I am typically male and unable to share myself to that extent emotionally with my partner.

Emotionally. Emotions are the root of this relationship you two have. As others have pointed out you may actually be stunting each-other, taking from each other some emotional satisfaction and remaining in a 'safe' relationship while at the same time walling off potential mates.

In the case of my partner and his gal-pal - I suspect that she is not leaving Dick and continuing down this path of recurring pain and trauma because she has firmly seated herself in an emotional relationship with my partner, thus not seeing that its time to take the kids and leave Dick to his own devises.

So while at the same time she gets the emotional support she needs, she is also stymied because she relies too much on my partner for that emotional fulfillment.

It happens - perhaps enough that that is why the script writers of Will and Grace continually cast the two main characters in one failed relationship after another with each of them emotionally dependent on the other, thus failing to fully connect with a real life partner.

You and your Gay-pal need to set some boundaries and start actually looking at your relationship and try to figure out if you two are using each other are crutches instead of being just good friends.

I'm not saying stop seeing each other and throw away the friendship, I am suggesting that you two sit down and have a serious discussion about what 'Us' (your relationship to each-other) is doing for both of you and how it may be affecting your (both of you) ability to find a mate.

I don't know. Perhaps you both need this relationship as it is and are actually doing perfectly well without pursing mates? This is something you two need to figure out.

You also need to be open and honest to him about your feelings - especially your feelings about his 'joking' around. It bother's you, it may actually be causing you to pin too high of hopes on him.

I suspect from your last post that he thinks that you fully understand intellectually and emotionally that he is joking, and doesn't know that there is a bit of pain mixed in with that.

It appears he wants for you to find 'The One' and be happy.