That's just it! I have no where else to go right now! If I go to my parents she's just going to bring "the fight" there, plus they and my sister think that I'm really not gay I'm just dealing with some other issue. What that issue is I don't have the slightest clue. Our pastor thinks it all stems from the fact that I didn't "deal with my sexuality as a teenager because I didn't have the support structure at home to do so." Well hell no I didn't deal with my sexuality, living in homophobe redneck central and having a father who is the king of all bigots!! And anytime my wife even thinks I may be leaving she goes into hysterics and threatens to kill herself. At best she lays the guilt trip on me saying if I come out publicly he kids are going to be the ones who get hurt by it all! I have no friends that I can go to because all of my friends are her friends too or they're married to her friend. We're strapped for cash right now and in between paychecks so I can't go get a room somewhere. Pretty much she has me over a barrel with all of this! I'm afraid I'm goin to lose my job because I'm still not sleepin good at night and can't concentrate on what I have to do each day! Kinda makes me wish I'd not said anything at all!!
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And now my mother is posting things on Facebook like "pray for our family" and "Satan is interfering!" she hasn't mentioned any names but I know sooner or later someone in this small town we live in is going to "put two and two together" and figure out what she's talking about!!!
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You NEED to get out of that situation, Archy. Seriously -- you're doing more damage to yourself remaining there.
Your wife isn't going to kill herself. I've told you this before. She's using it as a manipulation mechanism to keep you there because she think she can change you.
Please get out of there if you can.
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Yeah you might lose your job, yeah you might be flat broke, yeah your wife is ONLY blackmailing you emotionally with threats of suicide...100% sure she won't do it.
BUT you my friend will be dead in 12 months if you stay in the situation you find yourself in...I cannot put enough emphasis on that point...you will DIE in your current situation.
GET OUT
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Y'all please don't be mad at me! I'm trying to get out of this relationship...honest I am. But she is so freaking manipulative. And looking back over the past 13 years she always has been, even when we are dating. She knows how to play my emotions like a fiddle. And she has drug my parents and other people into this, and I feel like they are all on her side. And everytime I try to take control she works her little "magic" and throws me right back into the corner. Honestly, if I had somewhere else to go I would pack my things right now and leave, but I can't even go to my parents house because I don't feel safe or accepted there, and she'll just bring the fight to there.
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First, Calm Down.
Things may not be as bad as you think it is. You need to stop awfulizing the situation that you're in, because all this stress will just push your brain into overdrive and you may not take rational decisions.
If you were to run away from home and strike out on your own, you need to have a financial backup, and a dependable ally. It does not have to be a gay man, or someone that you want to be in a relationship, as that will undermine your efforts; you may end up having to cut and run once again.
Instead of pumping more adrenaline into your system repeating things like, "I need to get out of here!" :frown: "I can't stand this anymore!" :mad:, in your head, you need to think coldly and calculatedly.
I know people here keep saying over and over, "you NEED to get out of that situation"... :confused: that's... true, but it's not helping you think calmly, so you need to tone it down a little bit and think of how you can get out of there with minimum fuss.
First things first... Lie. Pretend to go to church and have a "conversion" and an event where you "saw the light". Come back with a halo around your head and all straightened out. Be nice to everyone, thank them.
Next, look for a job, preferably a few states over, where there's enough anonymity to blend in and disappear. The pay has to be better than what you earn now... that's something you must look for, because you're going to have to start over again. Find a room mate to bunk down with, over at the new place. Then collect enough money to vanish.
Stay away for an year or so, while trying to find out a way to legally get your wife to share the children with you, and then file for divorce. Under no circumstances should you ever disclose your new location. Then you can actually start thinking about your life, your sexuality and what you want to achieve.
All this is an example of calm thinking. I know it's difficult. Running away is never easy, especially when one has children. But you must think calmly, and rationally.
 mile:
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06-28-2012, 02:43 PM
(Edited 06-28-2012, 02:48 PM by Maverick.)
"Then collect enough money to vanish.
Stay away for an year or so, while trying to find out a way to legally get your wife to share the children with you, and then file for divorce. Under no circumstances should you ever disclose your new location. Then you can actually start thinking about your life, your sexuality and what you want to achieve."
Sorry Warm, I don't agree, not at all. Yes he does need to calm down and think rather than react, you are correct there, however, the vanish thing, a bad idea!
If he "vanishes" as you suggest, the lawyers will have a field day in court during the divorce and claim abandonment, which could lead to him perhaps loosing ANY rights to see the kids (remember, the courts are already in favor of the mother). You can't believe what kind of twist or spin those slimy lawyers can put on things, even in the best situations! It gets nasty in court, real ugly, so his actions "now" will have an effect down the road. Like it or not, he needs to stay close by and keep close contact with the kids or he will be giving her tons of ammunition for a fight later on....
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Maverick Wrote:If he "vanishes" as you suggest, the lawyers will have a field day in court during the divorce and claim abandonment, which could lead to him perhaps loosing ANY rights to see the kids (remember, the courts are "already" in favor of the mother).
It's a pity you live in America... here in Islamic Asia, being a man gives you incredible power. Sometimes we actually do get to use the system.
Alright, so he can't vanish. But why would the courts be in favor of her?
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It's very, very different here with regard to the courts, divorce and child custody. Just ask ANY guy who's had to deal with the courts and fight for their rights with regards to his children. It's a "little" better than it was years ago, and some states/counties are better than others, but the courts are totally in favor of the mother, and only really want the enforce the father to pay child support. I've been down the custody battle road, not for the faint of heart.
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Honestly guys, I am not feeling suicidal. I did at a couple of points in my life, even before I made this mistake and got married. But I want to be there for my kids. I don't consider them a mistake, just the fact that I never had the courage before now to tell anyone how I truly feel. That is my biggest regret.
What I have considered over the past couple of days is like warmpixels said, pretend that I've "seen the light" and wait this out. After all, I've lied for 20 plus years now, so I think I'm pretty good at it by now. mile: But play my cards close to the vest for now, wait until the kids are out of the house, give it a couple of months are so after that, then just tell her I'm done. That it's nothing to do with my sexuality, not even bring it up unless she does, and file for divorce.
Yes I realize that it's lying, to everyone, and there will still be consequences and reprocussions (gawd I'm a horrible speller lol), but at least by then she won't have the kids to hold over me and it will give me a chance to set things in motion (save money, find a place to live, possibly another job somewhere else).
I know that you all are saying this situation is going to "kill me" and all, and I appreciate everything everyone has said so far, but honestly, this is the best plan I've come up with so far.
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