I am proud... But so afraid

[SadSilence]

I am proud. It's been at least a month, if not longer, since my last cut and it's been almost a week since I've had an urge. But I'm scared where most people would be happy and excited. I'm starting high school in a few months, I've been moved into the Elite Division of my swim team... Good right? Yeah... High school, no, I've failed many of my classes in nineth grade trying to control myself. How am I going to cope in high school? It's much harder... The Elite Division on my swim team... Yay... no, I'm terrified, I'm not like most people I do not push myself hard, a push lightly and slowly. I will not strain my body so I can be number one. But I will be number one, but without strain. My coaches will yell and yell but I won't change... That has nothing to do with why I'm posting...

I'm posting because I'm proud and the world is slowing down and quietting which means I'm about to go under... Metaphorically speaking. I can feel it swelling inside, taking it cold and remorseless hands and gripping me... Squeezing me... But I'll try and remain strong. After all who loves a cutter? Who loves the depressed kid who can't doing anything but go to swim practice every day and watch tv? Who loves the kid who only wants to talk about his feelings because they build up so fast even though he has no way of expressing them? So wants the kid who hates everyone because he feels robbed of one of life's greatest gifts, a childhood? He loves the kid who grew up to fast because they had no choice? Who loves the kid who can't talk about his feelings, not because he wants to act strong but because he's afraid that people will judge him.

I feel nothing but the bitter cold sweat of my very existance trying to keep everything else at bay. No one wants the kid who is so far gone that they can hardly register emotion as a concern. Who wants the kid who doesn't care what you feel because he's to busy making sure he doesn't come crashing down and do something stupid when he gets home and alone. I do believe life will get better... But I do believe it won't be any time soon.

To curl up and slide under the covers
To get warm but still so cold
The body held by stress
The mind by guilt
The heart by pain
To look in your eyes
To see only the sparkling seas
Crashing upon the golden sands
I can't live like this
Hold me one last time
Before it all comes to a tragic end
Now I am broken
Still shivering
To scream
To have no one hear you is a fate I wish upon no one
To cry
To have no hear you and to have no one wipe your tears away
Eveloped by Darkness
To have it all stop... At last

[ceez]

long time no see treat life the way you swim, don't stress yourself or try to push to hard, and remember to have fun. your doing great

[dfiant]

After all who loves a cutter? Who loves the depressed kid who can't doing anything but go to swim practice every day and watch tv? Who loves the kid who only wants to talk about his feelings because they build up so fast even though he has no way of expressing them? So wants the kid who hates everyone because he feels robbed of one of life's greatest gifts, a childhood? He loves the kid who grew up to fast because they had no choice? Who loves the kid who can't talk about his feelings, not because he wants to act strong but because he's afraid that people will judge him.

We do.

And as strange as it sounds, we are also proud of your swimming acheivments.

Good to see you back in Gayspeak too mate

[DarkDaisuke]

We all love you If you're depressed or not, you're part of this Earth and we love you We hate to see you sad but youll get through this Stay strong and we're all so proud of you SadSilence

[ManicReptile21]

ELITE SWIM DIVISION? I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, but what i do know is you must be one SEXY SON OF A GUN! :O How can you be terrified? You must have the body of an ox! You must have the will of the warrior! You must have so many admirers; me being one of them! Listen, if your feeling down in the dumps about never having a boyfriend or being loved. pay very close attention; If someone loves you, if someone truely loves you. They will make sacrifices. They will sacrifice their time and emotional limits just to steal a smile. If you think no one is ever going to love you because you're uncertain or unsure of yourself, think again. The things people do for love has always been and will always remain the secret to making relationships last forever. You are an adonis. If people are ever going to make sacrifices, your the number 1 canidate. You not only have a poetic tounge but it seems you have a very subtle vunerability, Which is better than a big macho man who doesn't share anything (In my opinion at least). Just give them a chance, you may very well be surprised.

[pellaz]

High School is not any more difficult, you will be more on your own tho. Try not do it completely alone, you have the people here. A boy should also develop a circle of close friends who accept you.

[Nick9]

The things people do for love has always been and will always remain the secret to making relationships last forever.

Nice

SadSilence, great to see you keep coming back!

[Rainbowmum]

We love you and are here for you,