Transitional period? Or false alarm?

[Pinter]

Hello again, everyone. To those of you who may have forgotten, this was my last thread: http :// gayspeak . com/showthread.php?t=20210

To sum up in short... I'm a TG/bi who has little interest in surgery or hormone treatments. Or at least, not until recently. The recent dialog on this site may have opened up my feelings a little, but I had... an episode(?) after a series of unsuccessful dates with women. (In the country I'm in, any behavior deviating from the norms will be more than frowned upon. Not that I'd probably be physically harmed, but add that to a language barrier and it just seems to me to be more trouble than its worth atm if I have other options.)

I guess my question is: how episodic was this? Could it be the start of something new? I mean, I've been honest with a few people now for a while, but this is the first time it's been... remotely public. I'm open to the idea that it changed me more than I thought it did, but I'd like a second opinion first. Anyway, here goes:

The first few dates ended up falling short thanks to the language barrier, but on the last date I was starting to make a connection when she just clammed up. Conversation became a little more awkward as it became more one sided, and then she brought up her ex who she hadn't talked to in nine months. The night fell apart from there. I fell into a routine I have after failed dates where I'd think it would be easier from the other side of the fence when it stayed with me, and not just in a sexual way. I didn't really have an urge to do drag, but I felt a definite sort of expectation the next morning of just... how do I phrase this? Stepping into another role? (This is so awkwardly worded, haha.) Like, I woke up and iunno, for one of the first times in memory I was expecting another face looking back at me. A different cut of legs, thinner arms, and breasts. I was thinking that was me, and while I've never really considered being born a man the best thing for me, I'm pretty good at it. I like it most of the time. I like it a lot. This was the first time it really felt unfair, and even a little painful maybe. The whole next day at work I was just sort of jealous of women for being women.

I guess that's it really. I haven't really felt that way for the past two days, but I'm not sure that means it's over at all. Has anyone ever had an experience like this? I realize I'm in a smaller section of the population than most, but a guy can hope, eh?

Thanks in advance for comments.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Hmm.

I tend to like my penis - I like being male. While I am gay and like either roll in bed so called 'male/female' rolls I have never identified as anything other than male.

While I am stereotypically 'male' in my behaviors, actions and the way I carry myself - so called 'straight acting gay male' - I know for myself there is a bit of woman inside of me roaring. :biggrin:

I think most males are like this, man with a bit of woman inside. I think gay/bi males tend to be more in touch with their inner woman - and perhaps Lesbians/female bis are more in touch with their inner man.

Of course I am not everyone so I may be way off base here.

You classify yourself as TG - however have no intention of dressing up as a woman or going for the sexual reassignment. Now I know TG's who don't or won't go through gender reassignment due to many complex reasons, they are in a relationship, or they live in a place where the laws make such a most difficult process with lots of stigma attached (negative stigma).

If these sorts of things are not standing in the way of gender reassignment and your reluctance is based more on personal choices, then you may want to consider that you are feeling your inner woman a bit more than society teaches you to think a 'normal' man feels her.

--> Normal is being used as a catch all word here, I'm not implying that it is abnormal to feel other than society expects.

As for failed dating - nothing which you wrote seems to point toward your being too much a woman for her. Unless you said point blank "I think I am TG." to her, in which case such a notion is usually hard to swallow by most people since society paints black and white for the genders with no wiggle room for 'change'.

Trust me, there are many other reasons for a person to clam up or start talking about their ex during a date. A lot of the times it is just them, not you.

Since you are in the USA there are various options available for you professionally speaking. There is lots and lots of therapy for potential transgenders BEFORE the operation. In fact I believe you still need to get a certificate from a therapist that 'signs off' on sex reassignment surgery since the operation is a one way street (currently - I suspect sometime in this century people which change their gender nearly at will).

You really need to explore this with a professional - a one off thread is not going to reach deep into your soul to figure out who you are. You need to figure out if you really are TG or if you are just a guy who is more in touch with the woman inside.

[Pinter]

Haha, though I hate to be fussy about such things, most of your current questions could have been answered by reading my first post. Ah well. So it goes

As for failed dating - nothing which you wrote seems to point toward your being too much a woman for her. Unless you said point blank "I think I am TG." to her, in which case such a notion is usually hard to swallow by most people since society paints black and white for the genders with no wiggle room for 'change'.

I should say first off: I'm not in the USA. Most of my given info is just something to throw off internet creepers, sorry. I'm paranoid. :lmao

Anyway, I should say I started off thinking this was going to be in the bag. When I met her, she expressed explicit displeasure about me going on a date while she was still single, and then after I told her I had dropped the date she showed up, and at one point, asked me where my girlfriend was. If it's not the language, it's the culture around here.

You really need to explore this with a professional - a one off thread is not going to reach deep into your soul to figure out who you are. You need to figure out if you really are TG or if you are just a guy who is more in touch with the woman inside.

You got the spare cash for a shrink?

Also, most of them won't be speaking English over here.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Well I copied and pasted your addy and Yahoo got all snotty with me asking me if I knew what I was doing. I admit I have no clue, so left it at that.

I dislike it when my computer gets snappy or rude with me... It makes me feel like an idiot. :biggrin:

Anyway, about an hour ago my partner 'fixed' the addy - I guess it had spaces, thus yahoo being all mean and nasty to me.

http://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=20210

Over here??? Seriously can't give us a country? How about a Continent? :biggrin:

Paying for Therapy:

Here in California there is sliding scale and even free therapists. The trick is that you have to do a lot of leg work. Phone calling and internet searching doesn't get results.

For California, my area, start off at the local county hospital or Public Health. Either way you can eventually find 'free' therapy.

My last therapist was sliding scale, I paid something on the order of $20.00 a visit near the end of my sessions with her. My business was in a downward spiral and over time it cost me less and less per visit. I got too depressed to continue going to therapy so I stopped.

I might be able to get you started, or at least pointed in the right direction with a simple google search. IF I knew on what planet you lived, or continent, preferably a nation.:tongue:

Going to your other thread: http://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=20210

I fail to see any strong 'I'm definitely a woman in a man's body' thing going on.

You do seem to have a lot of those gender-isms. The stereotyped male/female roles that society fosters on humanity.

I know women who can hike 17Km trips no sweat (but women glisten, they don't sweat ) I also know women who know their way around a car engine and men who don't even know how to pip the hood/bonnet of the car.

Rock climbing, strength of body, all of these are false tells of what being X gender is about.



I think Miss Sweden could kick most men's ass with no problem :biggrin:

Just saying.

[Nick9]

I guess my question is: how episodic was this? Could it be the start of something new? I mean, I've been honest with a few people now for a while, but this is the first time it's been... remotely public. I'm open to the idea that it changed me more than I thought it did, but I'd like a second opinion first. Anyway, here goes:

Stepping into another role? Like, I woke up and iunno, for one of the first times in memory I was expecting another face looking back at me. A different cut of legs, thinner arms, and breasts. I was thinking that was me, and while I've never really considered being born a man the best thing for me, I'm pretty good at it. I like it most of the time. I like it a lot. This was the first time it really felt unfair, and even a little painful maybe. The whole next day at work I was just sort of jealous of women for being women.

I guess that's it really. I haven't really felt that way for the past two days, but I'm not sure that means it's over at all. Has anyone ever had an experience like this? I realize I'm in a smaller section of the population than most, but a guy can hope, eh?

A small Christmas gift for you, Pinter. You'll be surprised how many people feel like you. I've seen a research that said that there were way more TG people, than gays and lesbians in the world. Because TG group is really wide. From people who are simply not comfortable in their gender, to people who are on the verge of TS.

Do you know this forum?
http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?board=4.0

No one will tell you if this means that several years from now you will be banging on a surgeon's door.

No one will also tell you if those feelings you had will come again (and go away and come again), never come back, or come back and grow stronger and stronger. It may take years. Try to not be depressed and frustrated...

[Pinter]

Depression? Pffftt. Honestly, sex isn't much of a thing for me anyways, so while I do get depressed about it sometimes, it's not very often. I got more important shit going on most of the time.

I fail to see any strong 'I'm definitely a woman in a man's body' thing going on.

You do seem to have a lot of those gender-isms. The stereotyped male/female roles that society fosters on humanity.

I know women who can hike 17Km trips no sweat (but women glisten, they don't sweat ) I also know women who know their way around a car engine and men who don't even know how to pip the hood/bonnet of the car.

Rock climbing, strength of body, all of these are false tells of what being X gender is about.

About the link trouble, I'm not allowed to post links until I have about 50 posts. I can' even send or respond to PMs until I have 20.

I'd like to begin by possibly clarifying that I think wasn't crystalline before: I brought up that I'm glad of the physical aspects of being a man I guess in a way to just say "I've thought about this." It's like, I know everything isn't as peachy as I first think it is. I don't think that women can't be as healthy as men. In fact, I've been to martial arts tourneys, and I met a few that did kick my ass. But they had to work a whole hell of a lot harder than me to get there.

I know that doesn't apply to like, if a man is a man or a woman is a woman etc. I pretty much see myself as a man atm, even though I'd rather have been born a woman. I'll just leave that statement as it is, haha.

Anyway, I guess when I try to qualify myself as a man, I would be more correct to say I'm not camp in any way. I know women aren't all knitters and great cooks. In fact, in a perfect world, I'd basically be me born with tits, haha, and I wouldn't think of myself as any less of a woman because of it.

[Nick9]

I admit I've had a strange feeling from you, Pinter, since you started asking questions. When we answer, you defend yourself.

you seem to not be comfortable even asking, and I don't think you are ready for the answers or suggestions.
It would be good, if I was wrong.

[Pinter]

I'm not saying you're wrong, but that's not my intention. I just see it as having a conversation. I say something about myself, you talk back, and that makes me see it in a new light, or realize things I may have said wrong.

Take your comment about depression. I can name three friends of mine who have actually been at the point of suicide who have come to talk and I've helped them back away. When you recommend a forum to help ease my depression and frustration, I consider depression to be something of that caliber. When I read what you said about depression, my gut reaction is that you picture me being seriously bummed out. I'm sorry if it sounds weird, but I'm generally not, even though I'm confused? I mean, I won't deny that there are some days where I feel like shit, but overall I'm doing pretty swell. Much better than the average person, anyway.

But yeah man. You may be right, I may just be jumping to defend myself, or it might look that way for very good reasons. I kinda dig it here though. Makes me think. So, feel free to post if you want. Don't if I make you feel unwanted or uncomfortable or anything.

Thanks again.

[pellaz]

... Don't if I make you feel unwanted or uncomfortable or anything.
Thanks again.

Patience, new topic here

[Nick9]

No, you don't.

The link wasn't supposed to help you with depression. You could find there answers about TG we can't give you.

I didn't mean that you were depressed or that you would be because of sex. I just supposed that not knowing for a long period of time "where are you standing" (gender etc) could be emotionally difficult.