Hmm, in a transitional depression?

[azulai]

Honestly, it does sound like depression and a medicine to help your body restore brain chemistry balance may be necessary. It can help you get over the hump and move forward. You’ve established a relationship with your therapist, who needs to be aware of the mood swings and crying, so I agree with what everyone else has said. I’d also add, go see your regular doctor and get a physical.

I think everyone experiences depression of various levels and times. I was struggling with anger, depression and suicidal thoughts when I was younger. Recently I struggled with being ashamed of that aspect of myself but had to come full circle and embrace it as part of my history. What triggered it was I told someone after 5 years of hiding it all and I couldn’t handle the thought of someone actually knowing. I think what freaked me out was now someone knew and may see me differently or as weak. It just kind of brought it all back and I would think about what I had almost done and I’d just start to fill up with tears or out right cry (it always seems to hit me when I’m in the shower the hardest). I was starting to wonder if it was a kind of mourning. IDK.

But, I honestly felt stronger during this episode because I had worked very hard to have a system in place for myself. I am real strict with what I found works for me: meditation, exercise and good eating habits. I've become kind of a health nut and really believe in a holistic approach.

It all did help me to just keep pushing forward, focusing on what I’ve learned about myself, and just knowing deep inside who I am. In the back of my mind I had been worried because I’d been riding high and I had moments when I was thinking, how am I going to handle when things get rough, am I going to handle it? I came out ok. So, maybe you need to work on developing “habits” that when you’re hit with a challenge, you use them to help you push forward. They become your safety.

However, I'm thinking that its more to do with this transitional period I'm going through, that I'm not ready in some ways to fully be out.

Maybe every time you tell someone you feel so exposed, and it triggers the depression symptoms. Someone knows your secret and we can’t help but worry about how that other person’s perception of us changes. The sudden onset of tears could be your subconscious/unconscious mind's reaction. IDK.

With regards to coming out, I read so much about it because I’m dealing with it. At first, I was very freaked out because it felt like there was this push in everything I read to do it and how free I was going to feel--how proud I will be because I would now be an “honest man.” When I read that it really got me upset because I struggle so much with guilt issues, it just added one more layer of guilt on me. It also felt like a slap in the face because in addition to all the other things I’m sorting out, because I’m in the closet, I’m dishonest. Really? I’m coping. I’m at this war within myself of what is “honest” and what is “no one’s business.” I’m just not sure I think coming out should be an announcement.

But, I’ll tell you, when I was obsessing about coming out, I started feeling like I was suffocating. I realized it was my mind’s way of telling me, to move on, focus on other things and just let this lie for the time being. I had to back off and retreat. Retreat is not cowardice, it is strategy. The smart general knows that you live to fight another day and that’s a victory in itself. Yes, I want to discuss things with my dad and mom, and eventually my sisters, but I need to be a lot stronger emotionally than I am right now.

I think we focus on emotional needs but we forget we also have emotional limits. Maybe you’ve hit yours? Maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself too fast? Maybe it’s your mind’s way of telling you to slow down and step back? If you feel like you aren’t ready to be fully out, you know yourself better than anyone, so trust your instincts. You’ve posted some success, enjoy those and do things that are positive and make you happy. Focus on the things you do well, give yourself some rewards. Don’t be afraid to give yourself pause.

I doubt if any of this helps, but I sincerely hope you feel better, X.

[XRIMO]

Thanks Azulai and everyone else.

I've been feeling better the last few days. My next session with my therapist is on Monday and I will let her know what I've been going through.

The timing of everything in the last few months has been so fortuitous in ways. From coming out to my father, my emotional meltdown, meeting someone online who gave me hope, seeing the therapist, and coming out to my friend. The way its all worked out it starting to pay off. Hopefully I'll break out and begin to experience even more things and grow from these experiences. We never know what the future holds, so its best to just be ready and happy.