Something our pastor said the other day regarding the situation I currently find myself in has been stuck in my head and I'm just looking for some outside opinions on this. He said that a lot of the problems I'm facing now stem from the fact that when I was young and dealing with the issue of my sexuality, I didn't have a "support structure" at home to help me deal with it properly. Now it's true that I didn't have the best of childhoods (dad was there but drunk most of the time and mom was a bit "out of touch" with reality, and still is truth be told), but what I can't figure out is his point behind saying that. Is he trying to say that I'm making all these feelings and desires and frustrations up? I mean, I don't see where someone, anyone would want to "pretend" to be something that can cause such an upheaval of emotions and....for lack of a better word...controversy. That just doesn't make any sense to me. What do you all think?
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You say pastor, so I'm assuming Christian; correct me if I'm wrong. Also, he was informed about your sexual inclinations, correct? :tongue:
I guess I would interpret his words to mean you didn't have a strong male influence to guide you straight.
Have you heard of Conversion Therapy or Reparative Therapy? That's probably the framework from which he is operating. Often they blame parents for a child's homosexuality. Conversion Therapy has been discredited, caused so much harm and many suicides. So please use caution when reflecting on anything that "pastor" tells you.
All of the following health organizations are critical of conversion therapy and state that it is harmful:
American Medical Association
American Psychiatric Association
American Psychological Association
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy
American Counseling Association
National Association of Social Workers
American Academy of Pediatrics
National Association of School Psychologists
American Academy of Physician Assistants
Beware of any "reading materials" from Exodus International, NARTH, PFOX, American College of Pediatricians (this is a group of American CHRISTIAN conservative pediatricians) , and Focus on the Family.
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I would have to know the context, the subject he was talking about and what exactly the type of advise is you are seeking.
I assume this ties in with your struggle with the whole 'Am I gay?' Question and the problems with your marriage and what not that you posted a couple weeks ago.
If so, then I would have to know your pastor's stance on the LGBT thing. Is he affirming/tolerant? Or does he feel it is his job to remind you that God doesn't Do Gay?
If the later (God doesn't do Gay). Then I fear he is insinuating that your 'bad' childhood experience bent you. If the former, he is affirming/tolerant, he may be attempting to point out that had you been in a supportive/loving household then your path in life would have been far different, instead of 'forcing' yourself into a marriage with a woman you would have sought comfort in the arms of a man.
Children of abusive/neglectful homes grow up unarmed, and without the right tools to deal with day to day crap-tivities. Crap-tivities= Crap-filled Activities - those things that cause most of us emotional upheavals.
A person raised in a supportive, loving environment is going to tend to have a positive approach and positive expectations for the outcome. A person raised in an abusive and/or neglectful environment is going to tend to have a negative approach and expectations.
EXAMPLE: I was raised in a terrible environment, abuse and neglect were the primary things I received. As such I have a skewed sense of what is and is not going to happen when X takes place. I also lack the 'trust' and ability to rely on others to help me deal with crap-tivities. Thus everything that takes place in my life tends to have a different impact on me and I have a tendency to see a much darker future and 'stew' on minor things by myself, feeling utterly alone even though I have a partner and his mother and several other supportive people in my life who are there for me.
Our childhoods teach us many things. People of loving/supportive environments come away with useful tools (emotional tools) that they can apply to both problems and life's little joys. People without that love/support tend to never fully learn those tools, thus things become issues.
It is not a person 'making up' problems. It is a person being stunted and crippled. It is no different than a person who has had a leg chopped off or their eyes plucked out, instead of being a physical crippling it is an emotional crippling.
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Thanks guys. I actually had a chance to talk with him again today and without just coming right out and asking him what his agenda is, I learned that he is actually NOT trying to discredit my thoughts and feelings towards my sexuality. He is simply saying I haven't had anyone that I felt comfortable and safe enough with to discuss things with and that having parents who not only could not or would not be able to deal with their son admiting he is gay but also have kept secrets from each other in their marriage had "taught" me to hold things inside and not discuss things like my sexuality. At least that's what I took away from it. I'm not saying he is in total agreement with the whole lgbt community, but he had told me more than once now that no matter what the final outcome of all of this, he doesn't judge me in anyway.
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archubbycub Wrote:Something our pastor said the other day regarding the situation I currently find myself in has been stuck in my head and I'm just looking for some outside opinions on this. He said that a lot of the problems I'm facing now stem from the fact that when I was young and dealing with the issue of my sexuality, I didn't have a "support structure" at home to help me deal with it properly. Now it's true that I didn't have the best of childhoods (dad was there but drunk most of the time and mom was a bit "out of touch" with reality, and still is truth be told), but what I can't figure out is his point behind saying that. Is he trying to say that I'm making all these feelings and desires and frustrations up? I mean, I don't see where someone, anyone would want to "pretend" to be something that can cause such an upheaval of emotions and....for lack of a better word...controversy. That just doesn't make any sense to me. What do you all think?
I wouold ask hjim if this is true does he abandon his children and not show them any love?? If he says no then point out that his telling crap and to be honest he can stop preaching this shit as dads not paying attention doesnt make a child gay. A child is gay because of genetics... Religion shoudl leave genetics alone and in my opinion and sorry for offence... religion is nothing more than a dog chasing a tail it lost at birth
Your gay because of your genetic structyure and be proud of it 
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Did your pastor say this in a sermon, or did he say this to you one-to-one? Just wondering.
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He said it one-to-one. I had to talk to someone who wouldn't yell and scream and cry when I brought it all up and honestly he was very understanding and it helped me to feel better about it as well. Not that it changed my mind or anything. Just helped to get it off my chest.
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Thanks for the additional information, archubbycub.
I'm glad you had a decent meeting with the guy. I think it may be important to you to have some support within the comfort of your faith.
Just be careful.
Has he had a one-to-one meeting with your wife? If so, remember he is supporting her as well.
I realize that pastoral care is usually free but you may want to seek a LGBT friendly counselor who is actually a trained professional. It wouldn't hurt to have even one session with someone who is a neutral party to your situation to give you a better read on things.
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Actually azulai, he has not met with her one on one, at least not that I know of. Any time he has met with her I have been there as well. And yes, I am being careful, an I'm letting her say what she wants to, but I'm giving responses that their words and actions are leading me to give. Am I being totally honest with everyone? No I'm not. The only person I feel like I'm being totally honest with right now is myself. I know who I am and I know where my feelings are at this point and quite honestly for once in the 20 plus years that I've been dealing with all of this, I am at peace within myself and with who I truly am. Now it may take some years to get to the point that I can be open with who I am, but if I have to "crawl through the sewage" to get to where I need to be then so be it. Hope that made sense.
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I think she's starting to clue into my "scheme" of telling her what she wants to hear. I've never been a good liar, other than with my sexuality I guess, but she keeps saying things like "I'm losing you" and "I feel like you don't love me anymore." And she asks me questions like "are you falling back in love with me" and "is it getting any easier" talking about my attraction to her instead of men. Honestly, it's not getting easier, in fact it's getting worse. And it doesn't help that when we're intimate (and I only do this to try to keep up appearances with her) she constantly asks "are you thinking about me" and when we're done she gloats saying "see I can turn you on." The truth of the matter is, I'm not thinking about her, I'm thinking about some random guy. I'm sorry if I'm going into too much detail, but the truth is the truth. I've tried being honest with her about all these feelings but that causes all heck to break loose. I know I need to stand firm, but when I do she plays her tricks on me until I end up apologizing for being gruff with her, and then I feel stupid and angry with myself for allowing her to play me like that! God I'm such an emotional wreck right now! :frown:
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