Homosexuality and issues with one's same-sex parent

[soso]

I'm a bisexual female and have mother issues, I guess (feelings of rejection and whatnot), but a relatively straightforward relationship with my father. I vaguely recall reading somewhere that gay men often have father issues.

Thoughts? Is this true in your case / actually common among homosexual people?

Sorry if this is in the wrong forum, and please don't perceive what I wrote as inflammatory - unfortunately I have a fairly blunt writing style. I'm just curious.

[Genersis]

I'm not too close to either of my parents, although perhaps i am a little more distant from my dad.

It's not that common among homosexuals, though obviously, coming out can push families apart if the parents are homophobic.
Perhaps it's a case of correlation does not equal causation?

Some ex-gay organisations base their "therapy" on the notion of distant parents of the same sex; and they definitely don't have the highest success rate.
But then most ex-gay organisations base their therapies on dated stereotypes "confirmed" by dated and flawed research.

[BigCub]

I personally have no feelings of any kind toward my father. My parents are still married & live less than a mile from me. Growing up I never felt any connection to him or any need to ever talk to or have anything to do with him. In my eyes he was just always my mothers husband & the man who worked so we had money. I felt the same with everyone on his side of the family. All his siblings & his mother were just these people I had to see every now & then & had to pretend that I cared about them. Even now if I am out at the grocery store or or where ever in town & I happen to see my father, I avoid him or pretend like I didn't notice he was there.

Because I live in such a small town, where everyone seem to know everyone. I get stopped quite often by friends of the family. More often than not they will ask how my father is or ask something about him. Just to keep up appearances I have to pretend like I care what he is doing & tell them all about how he is & such, when deep down I want so desperately to say. I don't know, nor do I care, if you want to know how he is, then why don't you call him. Just because he is my father & lives less than a mile from me, does not mean I pay the man any attention what so ever nor does it mean I have to even speak to him. In fact I can sometimes manage to go almost a year without ever seeing or speaking to him. But I don't say those thing, I just tell them, he is fine & tell them anything that my mother or my sisters happen to have mentioned to me last time I talk to them.

[East]

I divorced both of my parents as they were abusive (not garden variety...major abusive) and it was the best thing I ever did. The hard part is getting them out of your head...it is easy to remove yourself from them physically but to overcome abuse is a long and difficult process.

I am amazed how powerful dogma is for so many people. I have saved a few people from dying (literally) by letting them in on my secret actually and today they are both very happy and well adjusted people who have also divorced their parents.

I don't think it is a gay or straight thing though. My straight brothers had it just as bad as I did. My youngest brother blew his brains out. Everyone always asks...I wonder why he did it. I know exactly why he did it.

[Blue]

Same here BigCub, to both of my EX parents. They chose to legally disown me when I came out and, ask that I change my surname. I did so, as far as I'm concerned I have no parents.

Even when I did, I had no relationship with them beyond waiting for the next excuse they'd find to belt me, paddle me, lock me in the "prayer closet" or worse.

None of it matters now, sure I have to deal with issues because of what they did but, I'm doing well, down to just a few triggers and, living as close to my dream life as is realistically possible so, all in all, my parents were good for one thing, combining the egg and the sperm that put me here.

[pellaz]

first off welcome to GaySpeak

in a none clinical observation (you see hundreds of coming out stories at gayspeak):
-for gay men; they have a stronger bond to their mothers, the father is un approachable
-just not enough info on the gay women coming out at GaySpeak tho. GaySpeak is largely gay men, not to say there isnt deep respect here for all lgbt+ and there is a moderate mix of members.

I have not seen any clinical research supporting:
gay men have father issues, but closer to their mother
or
gay women have mother issues, but closer to their fathers

that being said other issues:
-lots of clinical research stuff dosnt have a big sample size and maybe why you are not seeing the research is that there is none. To do the work the sample size requirements just cant be met in a ethical way. Dosnt stop some universities tho.
-gayspeak is largely gay men, not to say there isnt deep respect here for all lgbt+.
-boys seem to harbor feelings along the lines they are in debt to their parents.
-The boys feel the need to live up to their father's image even if he might be a homophobe, had repressed latent gay feelings
-the boys value their fathers opinion. In many cases this even despite after 16-20years the parents living with their child, the father still never figured out his son was gay!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I do have daddy issues - big time daddy issues. Well actually I have parent issues. To say I was abused as a child may be a gross understatement, tortured is perhaps a better word.

Those issues do not make me gay. They do, however, have a strong influence on how I express my gay and the type of men I find attractive.

It took me a few decades and a couple three really bad relationships to figure out that I was attracted to men who were exactly like my father. No I do not mean physically - emotionally, mentally. This leads to my having a self destructive attraction to abusive men. Sort of the moth to the flame thing.


I know that there are a few LGBT who have 'turned' that way - seeking love in the arms of the alternative because of terrible things done to them. It tends to happen a lot more with women (Lesbians) only because women tend to be victimized by men more often and in more terrible ways.

So some are indeed made gay by their parents instead of born gay by biology.

I think the majority of gays do suffer from abuse. No not from their parents, but from society. We have long been persecuted and hated, loathed and subjected to ongoing torture day to day, thus we do have a tendency to have self destructive behaviors and do tend to have more emotional/mental issues. Its not because we are gay, its because of the way we are treated for being gay.

With all of this extra abuse in the mix more gay men may have 'daddy issues' not because dad was a terrible fellow, but because the many representatives of 'dad' in our formative years treated us badly.

[BigCub]

sure I have to deal with issues because of what they did but, I'm doing well, down to just a few triggers and, living as close to my dream life as is realistically possible so.

That is one thing I have never had, I have never had any issues to deal with. Well maybe the whole being gay thing at first was an issue, since my parent are VERY religious, neither of them smoke, drink, do drugs, swear, gamble, or ANYTHING of any kind. In my entire life I have never heard either of them even say the word "sex", let alone talk about it or even do it. I would get smacked if I even said the word "butt", in their eyes that words was just as hanis as if I had said "fuck". So you can imagine what they thought of many other words.

But when I moved out on my own at 19, I suddenly felt free, like I could finally be the person I always was, I no longer had to suppress my whole existence. I could finally say all the things I wanted to say, I could eat all the foods I wanted to eat, I could be friends with people I wanted to be friends with, I could go to restaurants I wanted to go to.

Perhaps in the beginning I did go a bit wild because I suddenly found myself able to experience the world for the first time. I got to meet people outside my family & church, I got to try all kinds of new things that I never knew existed. I wasn't afraid of anything, there was nothing I wasn't willing to do. I went out into the world ready for anything & everything & I never looked back. Of course when I do see or speak to my parents, I have to suppress everything again & pretend that I am a innocent, naive & know nothing of the world outside of my little community. Needless to say those visits & conversations do not last very long.

The one thing I do seem to carry with me from my childhood is my very strong control of emotions. I was basically raised to be a Vulcan. I was never allowed to feel angry, sad, hurt, upset, depressed, or any emotion other than happiness, but only a mild level of happiness. Any time I felt angry or sad I was always told, "what do you have to feel angry about? You don't have a worry in the world, we pay all the bills, buy you everything you need, feed you, clothe you, put a roof over your head. The ONLY thing you should feel is appreciation & gratitude for all the things we do for you."

So I learned since birth, how to control my emotions & suppress any feelings I have. It is something that is so ingrained into my being, that I am unable to even show certain emotion & other emotions I believe I am incapable of feeling, let alone expressing. I have been told many times that I seen very detached, cold, heartless & even soulless. It's just very difficult to feel or express an emotion that you have been suppressing for almost 40 years & in all actuality may have never even experienced that emotion. The one emotion that I try to suppress but sometimes does get out is anger. When I do feel anger, its not because I allow it to happen, its because it has built up to the point that I am no longer to hold it back & by this point, it becomes very dangerous. I tend to loose all inhibitions, I say & do EVERYTHING that comes to my mind. I wont hurt other people feeling, I DESTROY their feelings. I make people feel like they are a useless waste of human flesh. Because I am a very large man, I am also a VERY strong man & I do tend to damage things without any effort. I suddenly become the Incredible Hulk, I have ripped doors off their hinges, I have yanked phones off the wall, I have ripped electrical outlets out of the wall, once I ever warped a car door to the point it has to be replaced with a new one because it no longer closed at all.

I don't actually blame my parents for all of this. I mean I have not lived in the same home as them for 20 years. I have lived on my own longer than I did with them. So what ever they did or didn't do to me, I don't feel really has much of an influence over who I am now. I don't think about it, I don't talk about it. If someone asks, then I will tell you things but its not something that is ever on my mind.

[archubbycub]

The only hang up I have with my dad, other than he doesn't really accept me for who I am, is the fact that he blames himself for me being gay! I've told him time and time again that there's nothing he could have done to make me gay. It's part of who I am.

I have more problems from my mother to be honest. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom but there are times I wish she'd leave me alone. She is ULTRA-conservative and thinks she can "pray the gay away!" Now I believe in God and in Jesus Christ, and I still attend church (when I'm not working) but I don't force my beliefs on others. My mom on the other hand!?! Anytime she is around me she quickly brings the topic of discussion to the idea that I'm going to burn in hell when I die! It drives me insane!

[Blue]

*Safe hugs Bowyn*

Yeah torture is about it for me too, and sure it affects how I express my self, sexually and otherwise. How could it not? Where you took the "moth to a fame" approach, I took the "I WILL be in control of this." approach, which led me to BDSM and becoming a Dom. Wasn't until I dealt with a lot of those issues that I discovered I was just as happy as a Dom in a Dom/sub relationship or, as a versatile in a vanilla relationship.

I don't think it's that gay men are abused more by our fathers, or that we really have any more issues with fathers than straight men but, I do think that because we have to face being gay and all that entails, we are more apt to face other issues, and more apt to openly admit we have those kinds of issues.