I love my dad a lot. He wasn't raised in the most loving environment and my mum is a very loving person, who is nuturing. My dad and I don't always get along (he also doesn't know I'm gay). He just seems old-fashioned and tough. I wrote him a letter once, telling him my feelings of how I felt guilty for never being good enough for him and stuff like that. I told him that I loved him. He's not a touchy-feely emotional person, but I am. Sometimes that is what I need. He can be so cold. He did hug me and told me he loved me after reading the letter. I just wish he would be like that more often. My mum keeps saying "he wasn't raised to be emotional, blah, blah, blah." It hurts. I see other people with their loving dads and I want to cry. I just want a bond with him. He's not abusive or mean, but he's not the easiest guy to get along with. I love him. How can I improve our relationship? We have very little in common.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
•
I am sure your dad does love you , it's just hard for him to express it that way you need him to.
He may have been raised in a way where the "woman" does the loving and nurturing and the man was the income bringer,
Sweetie , we learn to love from being loved.
Maybe you should think about giving him a hug before you go out.
Do things together , and most of all talk to him.
Were all here for you .
•
Thank you Rainbowmum. That was very helpful. I want to hug him sometimes, I just don't want things to be awkward. He wants me to be tough, so the world won't beat up on me and honestly I think he secretly knows I'm gay, but sometimes, all I really want from him is a hug and an "I love you."
•
My best answer is, give it time. My grandfather was so mean growing up. Always on me about this and that. He even told me once that he lets my grandma take care of birthday cards and christmas gifts because he could care less. Thinking back on that I would have loved to get a birthday card or call from him, but I didn't and still don't. When I was 14 I was forced to work with him one summer. He was a house painter. You would think someone would want to take time to train you, but NO he had to yell at me all day. IT SUCKED! When I I was 15, he took me on a trip. We actually bonded there and I seemed to have a better relationship with him. Within the last decade, he has become much softer and is very open to hugging and saying things like "glad to hear from you" "good to see you"
I think something you could do is find out what he is interested in ( sports, music, etc) and see if you could get some tickets to something or bring some refreshments over for a game. You may not be interested, but It might show him you are serious about spending time with him. Just a thought.
•
Some of us "older" folks were raised with very strict gender models.
Men do not hug anyone except their wives, they especially do not hug other males PERIOD.
Men do not cry, not ever, not for any reason.
Men show they love their family by providing for them, not by saying "I love you." That is understood because they provide for you.
Men discipline and teach.
Women cook
Women clean
Women hug the kids
Women cry
And for a man to do those thinks makes him look weak or spineless, hen pecked.
I know it's a horrible way to think, but that is how many of us were raised, and if we don't have a reason to defy those rules and become softer, more expressive people , we probably won't. I had a ton of reasons but, I'd bet your father gets on just fine as he is and, since your mom understands that, he has no reason to change.
•
I'm one of those people, not a huggy, kissy touchy or emotion person, so I can identify with your father 100% and I can tell you even though he might not say 'I love you' very often, when he does say it he means it 500%
Unfortunately some people are just like that.
I would try and find a common interest and work on that 
•
Sorry kid, you can't make anyone love you. Nor can you change people.
You can change yourself though - no I don't mean go out and be 'the man' get married having 2.5 kids, 3.5 vehicles and all of those proper statistics. That would be the wrong way to go.
You can try to change how you feel about how dad is. Part of that is accepting the things (and people) you can't change for who and what they are.
Eventually you are going to tell dad, and you are going to want dad to accept you the way YOU are... That's going to be a two way street.
Go ahead, make his day - tell him you love him more often - and don't feel guilty about it. Smile at him a little more often and tell him (even if he isn't saying it) 'Dad, I know you love me too.'
Watch carefully, a hint of a smile may touch upon his lips, a subtle wink - some minor show of affection will glimmer through that tough armor plate that he learned to grow long, long before you were a sparkle in his eye.
It is hard for many men to show emotions. That doesn't mean we don't feel - it only means that for some reason, be it the pressure of society telling us what a man is supposed to be, or be it a form of protection from deep hurt, we grow armor plate. That is only a covering, inside we feel much.
I doubt you are a disappointment to him. If he is riding you ass hard that only means he knows you can do better, be more, achieve things that he only dreams he could have achieved. Dads do that, expect more of and FOR their kids then they did/had.
The opposite of love is not anger or being hard nosed. Being angry with, or hard nosed with, or pushing at, or arguing with a person means you care.
The real opposite of love is indifference. Indifference means you don't care.
I suspect your dad does care - a lot, and only wants for you what he believes is best.
•
I would say the same about my dad. He's a bit strange (I think I've dedicated an entire thread to him over here lol).
Back in the day they really didnt talk about much. Things would happen, you would take it in the chin, suck it up and move on. Our generation is different in the regard that we're more open about our feelings and willing to talk through about things. Heck we even have forums like this which his generation didn't have.
ex: The classical Edwardian male never actually showed his emotions through words but with actions.
•
Can you imagine not being the "touchy-feel-emotional" person that you are?
That's how difficult it would be for your Dad to become a different person. Love him for who he is.
•
I do understand that he was raised in a different time period, but couldn't he be a little more loving? I mean all I want is a nice hug here and there. I feel pushed to one side and it's as if I can't be open to him about some things, because he's not as emotional. I mean, some people raised racist households, don't always turn out to be racist, do they? Well, same for him. Couldn't he be just a little more loving? I want a bond, but I can't seem to find one. Oh well.
•
|
