is he cheating on me???

[dfiant]

We can't answer the question you so desperately want answered, there is only one person that can answer it. Being an open relationship, lets face it, that is what it is, he can't cheat on you.

You on the other hand have to work on your insecurities and trust issues. It is not OK to create a fake about and 'stalk' someone to fish for answers.

If I was stalk by someone, I would in no uncertain terms ask them to leave me alone, so if he hasn't said that to you, consider yourself lucky this time and work on your issues before he does tell you to leave him alone.

[lazyboy]

Your tag says you are a gay man in a monogamous relationship.

This:


Is not monogamy, this is an open relationship.

Monogamy is where both partners are true to one another and have no sex outside of that relationship. If either one of you is open to the idea of being able to go out and mess around with other guys, then you can't say this is monogamy.

Since this is an open relationship, then really he can't cheat on you. Its impossible. You gave him permission to mess around as much as he pleases.

Cheating implies he went out and had sex without your permission. Honey, he has your permission to go out and do whatever. HE can't cheat, no matter how many men he goes to bed with, what sex acts he performs. An open relationship takes the whole cheating aspect out of the rulebook.

If you want monogamy, then you have to take out that open sex policy.

Weather he tells you or not is not really a good deal for you. You are already the jealous type, so even telling you he had sex is going to turn into a resentment planting session for you.

no this is not true, did not give him permission to mess around as much as he pleases. what we mutually agreed is that if we mess around with someone, we would tell each other that we did so. this was the main agreement. Right now it may be sort of an open relationship because we are far away from each other for a couple of months but prior to this it has been very much a monogamous relationship. the main thing that i want is him to inform me of any bits on the side he may have as i would not get as jealous if it was not a secret, that's what i feel.

[ChadCoxRox]

Ok, i'm not themost confident of guys. I constantly suspect ...cheating...he also said...i am an insecure and untrusting guy...i want advice on this...feel free to bash me and my sneaking around...tell me what u think of the whole situation.

Hi Lazy! Welcome to GS
If it were not this guy it would be any other right? The insecurity exists whether you are with a trustworthy person or not. Of course it would be easier for you knowing you happen to be with a trustworthy person because you'd be able to let your guard down and rest; however, the insecurity would remain and rear it's painful head in other areas and maybe when you least expect it. Working through this stuff is a common effort in the art and science of maturing and growing up, regardless of age.

I hope you will look into the subject. There is a huge library of resources out there on the matter and the more you equip your self...well...knowledge is power friend. YOU are worth it and any potential partner will benefit as well. Your sensitivities might be harnessed, understood and channeled into something productive instead of destructive.

BTW, his argument that he suspected it was you is just as likely as not. Either way, his knowing the dynamic puts you at a distinctive disadvantage in the interpersonal interactions unless you take total ownership and control of your own internal struggles with trust. I am afraid of getting hurt and even though I've been hurt before and have learned that I will live through it and can grow from it, I'm still gun shy and suspicious. I learned how to do "getting hurt" from my mom and it has been a very long journey learning how to unlearn that training. So I know it is difficult.

Best wishes as you start working on it and I hope you'll be around here so we can grow together!

[lazyboy]

thanks everyone for replying. I realise that I am focusing on things that could be more so than things that actually are and it's a very unwise move. The guy who I did the spying on has not contacted me in about a week now. I am guessing it is mostly because of my spying even though he said in im on skype that it is fine and that he still loves me and that he knows i'm just insecure. The main reason I was insecure is because I don't think his treatment of me is fair sometimes I suppose. When he talks about his exes, he describes them as good looking, gorgeous etc. He also will point out 'gorgeuous' guys to me on grindr or gaydar and while he hardly ever says anything positive about me. To get a compliment from his is rare. I don't feel like I measure up to these guys and hence some of the insecurity although he occasionally compliments me when he knows I am quite upset about this. I know I did him wrong and so I think it's time to break apart from him both for me and for him. The other reason is like I've already mentioned; I feel like he is only settling for me and hence don't trust him as when a hotter looking younger guy comes around he's' likely to go for them anyway. So I don't think this relationship is healthy with his behaviour and mine too of course.

[ChadCoxRox]

...I realise that I am focusing on things that could be more so than things that actually are and it's a very unwise move...he knows i'm just insecure. The main reason I was insecure is because I don't think his treatment of me is fair sometimes I suppose...I don't feel like I measure up...I feel like he is only settling for me... So I don't think this relationship is healthy with his behaviour and mine too of course.

I get the sense that you are over thinking and guessing and supposing. Again, regardless of the person you are with, your way of doing thinking and feeling will come to bear. If you really believe you are sub-par OR if you really thinks he sees you as sub-par, either way it's still you and your stuff because if he could do better then he probably is! Or will! And you've got yourself a self-fulfilling predicament that is predictable and painful...but "safe", because you already thought and guessed and supposed correctly.

I wonder if this is or has been a pattern for you or the beginnings of a pattern? Either way, the GREAT part is that you are aware and asking and interested. I'm glad you're here!

[East]

. The other reason is like I've already mentioned; I feel like he is only settling for me and hence don't trust him as when a hotter looking younger guy comes around he's' likely to go for them anyway. So I don't think this relationship is healthy with his behaviour and mine too of course.

After the initial advice, if any, I usually dont go farther into the relationship stuff but I have a soft spot for Aries Peeps...all my lovers have been Aries (except for the bad one:biggrin and my lifelong best friend who is a lesbian is an Aries ...so just because you are an Aries:biggrin:....You have to do something right away...

Practice not comparing yourself to anyone. This is very important. You can train yourself not to do it. You will never "win" and you are setting yourself up for heartbreak and even more insecurity....so STOP IT....

You must overcome this and there are 100 different roads that will lead you there so find the one that best fits you and work on that.

Good Luck!

[Blue]

To me it sounds like a communication break down.

"We're monogamous, but if we do mess around with anyone else, we'll tell each other." Translates to "It's okay with me if we cheat on each other as long as we tell, I won't get upset or break up with you."

That's an open relationship, that is permission to hook up with someone else if either of you wants to. That doesn't mean ask me if you can, it means go on and do it, then tell me whenever you get around to it.

Whether you see it that way or not, you gave him permission to hook up with others, so he can't possibly have cheated on you. You can't cheat on him either, since you also gave yourself the same permission.

Now if you had said "Do not cheat on me but, if you slip, I'd rather you tell me than to hear it second hand." That's different. then you are simply saying you don't want him to cheat, but if he slips, you'd rather he tell you than have someone else tell you.

You two need to have a talk and get things straightened out, then decide what kind of relationship you want, if any, with each other.

[dfiant]

no this is not true, did not give him permission to mess around as much as he pleases. what we mutually agreed is that if we mess around with someone, we would tell each other that we did so. this was the main agreement. Right now it may be sort of an open relationship because we are far away from each other for a couple of months but prior to this it has been very much a monogamous relationship. the main thing that i want is him to inform me of any bits on the side he may have as i would not get as jealous if it was not a secret, that's what i feel.

Actually everything Bowyn said is not only true, it is also FACT.

Mono = one
Gamy = Union, sexual union, partnership, marriage

If one person has more than 1 partner it cannot possibly be monogamous regardless of weather there is explicit permission or not.

Your relationship is an open or polygamous relationship. In that situation it is impossible to 'cheat' unless you specify with your partner your wish for monogamy.

[lazyboy]

perhaps in a perfect world where only monogamous and open relationships exist. Just like gay and straight are not the only orientations out there, there are a lot of different relationships that cannot be defined by pre determined definitions which society have concocted. I don't think a definition can dictate what my relationship actually is. we both agreed we'd tell each other about seeing people and so if he does not tell me, then i see this as the cheating part, not the actual seeing other guys part. maybe i am not being clear enough...

[Blue]

Then that is an open relationship, he is allowed to see other guys, and that's okay. So maybe you didn't specify that he is to tell you BEFORE he does it rather than after? Does he tell you every one or just that he tell you he did mess around.

I do hope you insisted on protection being used and, new STD/HIV tests before you had sex with him again.