Moving out

[Bricg1970]

I being married to a woman for 15 years, and next week I am moving out,
After coming out, I feel an estrange force that can´t stop and I really need to be alone. I don’t feel guilt, I don’t know if I am doing the right thing, but I don’t want to waste more time and she deserves to find somebody else because I no longer feel capable to keep faithful to my wife, celibacy is not an option, I´m no longer comfortable living in a 1950´s marriage and after all in the long run it would be the best for us.

I still love her (I don’t know if is like a friend, something I need to discover), I love my family and I haven´t left yet and I started to miss my kids.

I suppose this is normal? After the separation what would you recommend, how to handle this, do it progressively coming more the first days and then distance the visits? honestly this is the hardest thing I ever done in my life

[fenris]

A known gay man here in my area did the same .... moving out ... but he said he don´t want to be connected to his "wrong" life anymore. He has a 15 y.o. son... and this son accepted him very well ...he want to stay in contact with his father... want to visit his father alone and with his girl-friend ... but this mad-guy don´t want it. He say that this son is a part of his wrong life...and he don´t want him to see more. Same with his wife .... I think thats the complete wrong way .... this guy has a male partner... and this partner says the same... he don´t understand his friend for breaking the contact .... but no way ... he don´t want.

This is a bad and wrong example ... what you can do in your situation can just be better....

[Rainbowmum]

Going is the best thing you can do for both of you.
It's not going to be the easiest thing to do ,but it is going to be the most honest thing you have done in years.

I know it's hard when there are children involved, but those children deserve to be loved by a happy father, a complete person.

Good luck with the move and remember we are all here for you.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

I had written a long post, then re-read your original post. Here is my shortened reply!

Well, Ive been there and done that, so here is some advice from first hand experience.

Splitting up with a long term partner is never easy, regardless whether same sex or otherwise. The important thing is to do whats right for everyone, but in as sensitive and caring a way as possible. I also cant emphasise the importance of carrying the kids with you on this journey. You can adjust the level of detail you tell them to fit with their ages (mine were 8 and 11 when I left)

The kids:

Rule 1. You NEED to talk to them, not about them. Keep it simple.
Rule 2. Don't promise something you cant keep. Kids have a way of remembering, and will hold you to account!
Rule 3. You need to agree with your wife how visits will work, and where (she may not want you in the house for example) It took me a while to go back into the house after I left - I was very wary of bringing up emotional trauma in my ex or me for that matter.

Visits are going to be an emotional roller coaster, there is no way around that. You also need to ensure you don't smother them with visits just because your feeling guilty about everything. Here is what I did, but everyone may have a different view:

Start off with one day out of a weekend, every two weeks. (Sorry I don't know if you've mentioned the kids ages before) Try and make it a planned day, so you know what your doing where your going etc. Don't go overboard with treats - believe me they WILL expect it every visit LoL. Be wary about going into the family home as this may send them and your ex some mixed emotional messages.

Then take it to once a month, but make an effort to get involved in important events for them (Birthdays, school plays, school open evenings etc)

After a few months take it to a full weekend every few months (but don't stay at the family home - use a hotel or friends place to the overnight)

Ive been separated 12 years now and with my current partner 7. I see my kids regularly (Bank of dad LoL) and I see my ex wife every few months or pick up the phone and just have a chat with her. We got divorced after I met my current partner - as we had discussed civil partnership (didn't happen, but the divorce was painless)

When your married with children, coming out as gay is the start of a journey that may take a few years to complete. There will be twists in the road, you might get lost, and have a few breakdowns on the way. But its worth the journey.

The important thing is, your in the driving seat and also get to decide the destination!

Good luck

[pellaz]

i was so lucky to have some close friends.

[Bricg1970]

I have a great help from my brother and some friends, but is still hard

[hue]

my marriage finally disintegrated 12 years ago. i don't regret
being divorced from my wife but i regret daily not having been
there to finish raising my kids. the problems caused by having
a household with the friction in the marriage were not nearly
as devastating to me or to my children as those caused by my
absence.

happily gay, but still heartbroken father.

hugz

[pellaz]

i had a lot of other crazy stuff going on at the time to. dont know which was worse. for example my bother committed suicide, he spread plastic out in the room before the pulled the trigger.

another issue is dont ignore your needs. Find a boy friend or at least a friend+ situation. Play safe and get your self cked every 3-6mo. Go places and do things, find new interests.

[Bricg1970]

Thanks Pellaz, I am sorry about your brother. In other hand, YES I will follow your advise, either way once you are separated you can go around and find something, I think is OK,

[ChadCoxRox]

Best wishes through this difficult transition! I really love the advice of keeping things simple and direct as much as possible. Talking to the family members instead of about is key to long-term success, working through any pain, anger and discomfort and coming out able to have good relations despite the major change is the ultimate. I hope you achieve that for you and yours!