Try ignoring him.
he might get so fed up that he goes looking for someone else.
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Incidentally, I'm glad you thanked Bowyn for his very frank answer, it shows you are taking stock of what your responsibility is in this. Your lover also has a responsibility. But is it really a question of growing a pair? I'd say it's more about finding a good solution to an emotional problem when both parties were not in the relationship for the same reasons, and when their comprehansion of what the relationship meant is different.
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MrMcfat3 Wrote:Try ignoring him.
he might get so fed up that he goes looking for someone else. I'm not sure, MrMcFat, that Counselor is as detached as all that.
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princealbertofb Wrote:Counselor, in relation to growing a pair, I'm just wondering if you remember where you were at the tender age of 18? Do you remember if you had a pair? Maybe your circumstances were different, or easier, or more difficult. Maybe your upbringing hardened you a bit earlier than was necessary. It is possible, I'm not going to judge you. But just think back to when you were just 18. How easy was it?
Point taken, but I didn't mean to be insulting as much as it seems to have been made out to be. He knows when something is unfair, but he never speaks up.
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princealbertofb Wrote:I'm not sure, MrMcFat, that Counselor is as detached as all that.
Quoted for truth.
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Counselor Wrote:Point taken, but I didn't mean to be insulting as much as it seems to have been made out to be. He knows when something is unfair, but he never speaks up. I'm going to suggest two things. One, that he is shy... maybe more so with his parents, who must be intimidating the way our parents can be. I didn't come out to my mother till I was well in my forties, so it's not got everything to do with having a pair.
Two, it's much easier to say something to someone totally new, or someone who knows your real circumstances, which is why, I suppose, he's being honest with you about wanting this relationship. You have been his 'rock', since his family isn't. I'm not surprised he's trying to hold on. It's a bit like being tossed away at sea and having nothing to cling on otherwise.
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When in doubt...go for complete honesty first.
Sometimes the truth will not only set you free...it will set the other person free as well.
I call it "owning your sh*t":biggrin:...and when that happens everyone wins.
The thing is...if you lay it out to him that he was a rebound guy and you used him and maybe didnt' initially know but realized it soon thereafter...it gives him a chance to deal with that.
The grow a pair remark I interpret as classic projection...because...if you had grown a pair you would have told him right away when you knew.
I apologize if that is too blunt but this is how I talk to myself because it is what helps me in life and I think honest questions deserve honest answers.
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princealbertofb Wrote:Counselor, you are posting on this site to find a solution to your problem. And so, if we are faithful to our 'tradition', we are here to help you even if it means having a few tough love answers to start with. My curiosity was genuine. I can better help when I understand where people are coming from.
Telling your wife, will, presumably, be a separate issue at some other point, if it's an issue at all.
I see what you meant now, I apologize if my response was rude. It's been over for more than a decade, and it was unrelated.
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I've got to go with Bowyn on this. You are responsible here. Own it, admit it to yourself and to him, apologize sincerely then, back off and move on. Don't try to comfort him, get out, give him the space he needs, even if he is reluctant to take it, to move on and get past you.
He was 18, this is probably the first time he's really fallen hard, and you used his innocents for 2.5 months. Yeah it happened to most of us and, a lot of us have probably done just what you did but, that's no excuse and, it does not lessen what you did.
You want to know what that does to a person? Just take a look at at least two of us here that have been burned repeatedly. I doubt either of us will EVER trust any partner 100% again. They say "I love you and, I'll be true to you." We snap back with "Prove it, I'll believe it when I see it."
As the saying goes - once burned, twice shy. Well you've made him twice shy and, trust me, that just multiples if he gets burned by some else in the future. Nice chain reaction to start there. 
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East Wrote:When in doubt...go for complete honesty first.
Sometimes the truth will not only set you free...
The grow a pair remark I interpret as classic projection...because...if you had grown a pair you would have told him right away when you knew.
I did try to tell him, and I continued trying to tell him without devastating him, and every time I tried, he tried harder to keep me focused on him; text bombs, facebook tags, tweets, you name it. It made me feel guilty that I wasn't even trying, which was when I started trying to make it work.
I was going to say I wish I had seen that parallel first...
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