I'm not worth this much energy

[GossamerMoon]

You may think he's out of line, but that doesn't make him wrong. I knew I wasn't certain about this relationship early enough to stop it, but I got scared of losing a potential friend and making another person cry.

Just now chiming in here... I think this is the core of the situation.

I see several people completely ripping this guy's throat out, and I think everyone needs to stop and take a breath.

Here are my observations...

Counselor, you came in, and you put it out there: "I did something stupid." You laid out the situation, and you asked: "How do I comfort him without reinforcing his attachment?!"

I'm not going to analyze all the things that went into this. You have clearly done so, and I think you have answered most of your questions. I can tell you're kicking your own ass over it, too. Between the "I did something stupid" and "I got scared," you made a lot of questionable choices, and you feel guilty. This just shows you're *gasp* human.

Out of all the responses, I want to say that the best (IMO) is: Say you're sorry and be honest.

There's no other way to say it, and you know it: You fucked up. It sounds like you have already tried to tell him that, and your guilt is making it hard to step back.

My advice--take it or leave it--tell him you two must not communicate any longer. Tell him you are going to block his texts and Facebook, and that it's because he needs to move on. It will feel awful, but I think you're at the point where this needs to happen. It also sounds like the kid has a lot more going on in his life that is making him clingy, which has exacerbated the situation. He needs counseling. As long as you keep responding to his messages, there's going to be that slight glimmer, however unintended, that there's hope.

As to your own future, I hope that you are able to take this, learn from it, and never allow this to happen again. I get the feeling that you got that lesson and are feeling it in spades.

Before you get into another relationship, set some key standards for yourself. What is and is not acceptable in dating? If you feel you are about to string someone alone, you know what to do.

I feel like I'm missing something, but I suddenly have some distractions (child 1 and child 2), so I have to go. If I remember what it was, I'll come back in after a bit.

Just want to add: Don't beat yourself up for too long. If you screw up, it's right to feel guilty. This is your self-correction. But don't dwell on it, or your own recovery will take much longer.

[Counselor]

I'm sorry, GM, but blocking people goes against my own principles on censorship.
You mentioned he needs counseling. Um, I picked my own screen name. I may come across a callous asshole online, but I'm quite different in person. I've had a number of people use the word "comforting" to describe me, even my ex. I'm not trying to demean your advice, but please consider that there may be a less hard-nosed alternative.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm sorry.

I'm in a crappy mood that as this day progresses is getting worse. Obviously I'm taking it out on others.

My apologies.

[Blue]

Don't apologize for being right or being blunt and honest. Others don't have to agree. I was just as blunt, and hey, that's me. take it or leave it.

[Rainbowmum]

The best thing you can do is to own up to what you have done.
He is 18 years old kid.

Cut the ties , tell him the truth, every sms is giving him hope.
It is way to late for you to care about not hurting him, it is done, close the book.

I really hope and pray this kid has someone in his life to help him through this.

[ChadCoxRox]

Counselor this situation sounds like an opportunity for you to help this young guy truly benefit from a relationship that was risky for both of you. You have the advantage of maturity and you might consider using it to help him grow as a man and person instead of simply wishing for an "out." By approaching him like a grown man with open communication you too will certainly benefit and grow as well. Who knows what degree of genuine friendship over time might come of it?

While I agree with David's post, it is only one side of the story, and I think there is MUCH wisdom in each of the posts following. Gossemer is right in that your "beating yourself up" is likely more self serving. Blue is right that you deserve to hear the plain truth of the pain you are responsible for. And Mum is right that this kid needs quality supports to make chicken salad out of chicken shit.

BUT, I say, this kids also an 18 year old young man who has a right to be a part of deciding the situation. You two created it together, he at a clear disadvantage, but cutting the ties altogether may not be necessary at all. Some of the greatest characters EVER developed came from considered mentors. Granted, the boundaries are tricky because of the emotions and sex, but these are also potential tools.

Complete cut off hurt me at his age, and I've known it was NOT necessary all these many years since.

[Counselor]

B&A: I respect you and your perspective. I do have responsibility in the relationship. I can take that much truth.

CCRox: that is exactly the outcome I wanted.

To be clear, I didn't just drop him out of nowhere. I told him I didn't know how much longer we would be together, and later asked him how he wanted to proceed. He didn't want to try a new approach or anything, he said if I wasn't sure, that it was probably best we call it off.

[Zennyboy]

Sorry if this seems imposing Counselor and you can refuse to answer this question, but how long have you been married to your wife?

As for the lad, i was once strung along, lured into the sense of love by someone else once before, not my proudest moment ill tell you, specially when common sense prevailed. Love is like electricity. It can be thunder struck or man made, and imo thunder struck is the best, man made makes complications.

Because with man made love, things go to shite. cuse my language. He is a young man that will latch on the closest sign of affection by the sounds of thing, and since you gave it to him he latched onto you, and whatever good times you two had, they reside vividly in his mind as some of the greatest moments of his life so far.

It breaks people hearts to be blunt and honest with them, sometimes for their own good, its best.

Now i have a friend who was married for 30 years, and sat in the closet all that time, he has two lovely kids, and when he decided to come clean it ripped his world apart, his kids disowned him, his wife wasted no time filing a divorce, however good news he is recovering well now and getting on with life in the way he was longing for.

My only advice to you is this, your treading on egg shells, one false step and you might find your world around you crumble and you havent done any favours for yourself. But i do understand the position you sit in, so becareful, and be ready, because painful times have or will be coming.

[Counselor]

I was married for five years. We put off the divorce for a while, which was good for both of us, we needed some time and space to recollect ourselves beforehand. Now she's living with someone happily, he makes a fantastic living and they have an enormous range of shared interests.

[Zennyboy]

At least you sorted that part out thats good, kudo's to you dude