so on the 4th of July one of my friend's and I went over to another friend's house to have a few drinks and swim in the pool. So when we were in the pool my straight friend ask me and my other friend who is gay also what the deal is with Tops & Bottoms. Her question was do you all have to know? Is it a big deal? His response was "Yes". If your going to be in a relationship it is important to know. My response was I believe if you truly love someone with all of your heart it doesn't matter. Sometimes you have to compromise and work through the little things. Why would you not be with the love of your life because hes a Top like you. And people gripe about being single. They argued that it still was important because it could ruin a relationship. Is it really that important? For me it doesn't matter still. Love is love and I think that's something so petty to worry about. :confused:
Blake I feel the same. And I am always disappointed when I read cries of very young people who can't find their soul mate because of that. That's pathetic. Long term loving relationship is not about sex. Sex is just a part of it. People who have t/b as their first eliminating criterion don't look primarily for relationship.
It seems to me that they want to know if the sex will be good "and then we will see"
Yeah well great, what about if a year from now there will be no sex at all (injury/illness)
Their partner suddenly won't meet their most important criterion...
I just want to say thanks for asking this question and thanks for the responses as well. This was one thing my wife kept bringing up (in a very crude manner I might add) when I first told her I was gay. The way she asked it, coupled with my lack of experience (due solely on my part) made me just stand there with my mouth wide open! But the responses I've read to this thread and others like it have been phenomenal. And they go right along with how I've come to feel since she ask me that question. If you truly love someone, it doesn't matter what role you take when it comes to sex.
OK, Blake, I get your point and would normally agree. However, some people are much more sexed than others and being them means they have to be able to express their love and lust in a way that they are comfortable with.
Yes, I believe love is more important than lust, and a much better way to start a relationship that will last, but I think that sex is an important dynamic of a relationship. How many relationships have we heard about here that are on the rocks because of sexual dysfunctioning or disparity?
Money matters are the other difficult ones. Those, and honesty and trust issues, of course.
I'd have to agree with you that, if you're in a relationship that matters, then, compromise and discussion are the key elements to keep things going. A relationship is work, whatever you think of it, and little things do count (even big ones like being a top or a bottom). I believe that you'd definitely have to find a middle ground like accepting that your boyfriend gets it from someone else who will complement his needs (an open relationship) as you might be entitled to it too.
Just love may work better when you get to my age, and you've settled that sex isn't the most important thing in life. But while your hormones are still raging, it must be a difficult thing to hold in check.
The obvious way to make things work is to love your partner and yourself sufficiently to accept to bottom once in a while if you're a top, and to top once in a while if you're a bottom... Being versatile makes the whole sex experience more interesting.
There are various ways, of course, of pleasuring one's partner and if they need to involve toys, for lack of something else, well, go for it. But I'm not sure that you can always say that toys will be enough. They don't replace the real thing and the real sensations, and the real feelings (not to mention emotions). The connection is definitely different. It's like having to use condoms or being able to do without... It does make a difference, even if it's not considered very safe to abstain from them.
So, is it important? It might be, depending on how you are wired. If you are committed to make your relationship work whatever the sexual aspect of it, fine. You'll work something out. If frustration starts to build up, there will come a time when one of you will go looking for what's missing where they can find it. I think we could relate this to the experience of straight men who go astray when their wives have just had a baby and can no longer (or don't feel like) meet-ing their male partner's sexual needs.
So it's a question or trust, or patience and of priorities... Discuss them if you aren't sure what to expect.
princealbertofb Wrote:I'd have to agree with you that, if you're in a relationship that matters, then, compromise and discussion are the key elements to keep things going.
Just love may work better when you get to my age, and you've settled that sex isn't the most important thing in life.
If you are committed to make your relationship work whatever the sexual aspect of it, fine.
So it's a question or trust, or patience and of priorities...
This scientist, seems to think that romantic love has nothing to do with sex... in interesting ways... but it's still a hard drug... which may explain why sex preferences may be overruled?
Role of top and bottom in bed has a lot more going on on who inserts what into whom. There are certain expectations to the roles which are defined by the small fact that humans are predominately only two genders.
Male/Female roles have a profound impact on all humans, regardless of their sexual identity. We are raised right from the start by what does or does not hang between our legs.
The equation Gay=Sissy=Female by the typical homophobes is the basic assumption of gender roles in bed. If you look at the broader scope, gender roles play out in every aspect of our lives. Men protect, provide, and do various activities. Women are protected and provided for. Men lead the family unit, women follow the man's lead.
While a bottom gay male is not a woman, his needs - emotionally and other wise - are more 'female' in that he wants to be protected/provided for (not just financially) . A top is a man regardless, but he also tends to view his role in other aspects of the relationship as the dominate leader, the provider of security and sustenance, etc.
What we do in bed does tend to bleed over to how we view our role in our relationship.
Every aspect of a relationship outside of bed has a leader and a follower. Yes in many relationships who leads and who follows depends on what subject one is dealing with at the time,thus the roles shift between each partner depending on their strengths and weaknesses.
In many gay relationships the 'woman's role' out of bed (cleaning, keeping house, shopping, etc) is done by the bottom while the man's chores (mowing lawn, fixing and repairing, etc) are done by the top.
So for some these clear cut roles are very important, and they need these clearly defined roles to be happy in a relationship.
. They argued that it still was important because it could ruin a relationship. Is it really that important? For me it doesn't matter still. Love is love and I think that's something so petty to worry about. :confused:
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