Need a new perspective

[alwaysimagine]

Although I can guess what the majority of responses and advice will be for this post, I'm hoping that someone might say something new that I haven't considered and provide me with a fresh perspective.

I've noticed a pattern with the relationships I've been in. My partners are usually completely enamoured and infatuated with me when we first start dating, but as time goes on, there's always a trend of them saying things along the lines of "I feel like you're too good for me" or "You deserve someone better than me." Let me say that I don't agree with this at all. Despite my efforts to reassure them of this, they're never convinced. Inevitably, they always end up breaking up with me. The reasons change and evolve as the relationship progresses, starting at "You can do better" and always ending up at "I don't love you anymore"/"I don't feel the same way anymore."

It's extremely frustrating and painful for me having been through several of these relationships, with the last one lasting almost 5 years. I honestly believed I had found a life partner... It's not like they don't love me anymore, as I know all my ex's still care deeply for me and think the world of me. It just seems as though they all fall out of romantic love with me because they don't believe they're good enough.

From what I've gathered from friends and people who know me, I'm seen as attractive, intelligent, funny, pleasant to be around, nice, etc. They all agree I have a very magnetic personality and I'm almost addictive and intoxicating to be around. It's really quite unrealistic at times the praises I hear people give me, because I really don't believe I'm as perfect as they make me out to be. I guess those are all good problems to have, except it seems impossible for me to sustain a relationship.

I feel like most people see me as a novelty. I'm so different than what they're used to that they can't help but become intrigued. People will fall in love with me, and fall very hard, but I'm starting to think that people just fall in love with their idea of who I am, and not the person that I am. My last ex used to tell me almost every day that someone made him feel as though he didn't deserve me. I don't think that's their intention, as it usually comes out in the form of "I don't know how you boyfriend does it cause I wouldn't put up with that" or "wow, I can't believe he does that for you. What do you normally do to show you appreciate him?" He heard it from everyone, from his friends to my friends to people who barely knew either of us. It made him feel as though he couldn't talk to anyone about me without them praising me. His efforts rarely got acknowledged by anyone, and it made him feel bad. It made things especially difficult whenever we had a problem or dispute, and people would just take my side despite hearing him out. He started out loving how it felt, because I was like a "trophy" bf, but it eventually became a burden because he felt alone and isolated because no one acknowledged his feelings. I don't know if this experience was similar for my other ex's, but I know they went through a similar evolution of behavior/feelings and said similar things to me as time progressed.

I'm completely stumped. I'm very introverted and timid, and it's difficult for me to meet new people. I'm very quiet around strangers and most people never get to know me. My friends don't understand the amount of effort it takes or how challenging it is for me to meet people, because it looks like a breeze from their point of view. I'm tired of getting my heart broken over and over again and being told "You didn't anything wrong, my feelings just changed." Having a partner helps provide me with the emotional, mental, and moral support I need be my best, but it also takes me years to get over each person. I don't understand how my ex's move on so quickly. I've reached a point where I just feel like giving up. Everytime I hear someone say "you're too good for me" it's like hearing the sirens go off signaling that my relationship is about to die. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to give up on relationships, but I know I won't be happiest alone. I'm just so exhausted from trying and crippled by the pain of heartbreak. What am I doing wrong?

[spencer]

I absolutely completely hate it when people say "you're too good for me." It actually insults me. It's like saying, "I really don't care that you're happy with me, I am not concerned with your feelings in this relationship, I am only concerned about my own and even though I really like you and am happy with you, I suck so I'm going to ruin both our happinesses by breaking up with you."

Anyway, sorry for that random rant.

I find that people tend to date the same type of people. I wonder if you tend to be dating people who are very insecure and are falling for you and then become afraid of the relationship and end up because they fear getting hurt.

I also notice from my own experience when a relationship starts out really strong and passionate it will likely die. It's like you either start big and fall or you start at the bottom and work up to the top. Starting without the intense feelings and passions and then let it build it as you fall for the person rather than who you would like the person to be based own your initial impression of them. That's my theory so I'm testing it.

I'm also very shy, to a very unhealthy point so it's next to impossible for me to meet people except off the internet because that's my comfort zone. My own solution has been to work on my own insecurities and become less shy so I can talk to people easier. I wonder if you might benefit to do the same?

I would also suggest look at the people you've dated in the past, see if there's another connection between them such as any insecurities they might have had to make themselves think they weren't good enough for you. Then I would try to date people that are not like that. Which might be difficult but that's why it's good to wait to really get to know someone before dating them, like realllly get to know them.

Also you're scorpio, scorpios tend to be very mysterious and people are drawn to that although I don't find myself all that mysterious but perhaps I'm modest. I've also noticed people expressing their surprise at how much they like me, wasn't sure if I should've been insulted or not. Guess it's a scorpio thing~

I also think you might be doing the same thing I often do, a person in the relationship makes me feel better about myself, gives me support I need, and makes me better. Those are all great to have in a relationship but is that why you are going in to these relationships? If so, I don't think that's healthy and I think that has been a reason for the failure of some of my relationships and why I took it so incredibly hard.

My brain is incredibly disorganized when it comes to relationships right now so I'm not sure if any of that was helpful relevent, or anything. But I did my best! xD

[Bowyn Aerrow]

The first problem here is that there is this fairy-tale myth that romantic love/passionate love is the only kind of love there is.

There are stages to love. http://www.google.com/#hl=en&output=sear...23&bih=856

Our society is sick and twisted and has this 'romantic' (insane really) view that love that is true is strong and passionate forever. The reality is that that passionate love is fleeting and is replaced with a more mellow, accepting, form of love that doesn't feel as strongly, but feels much deeper.

You kids (20-somethings) tend to fall for the Fairy-tale Ending. This is largely due to all of those fairy-tales where everyone lives happily-ever after. It is also due to how readily our parents throw in the towel and get a divorce because you see they fell for the lie as well.

So now we have a whole generation who is unwilling or unable to actually work toward a life-long partnership (all marriage is about partnership, not love).

These guys you are dating and getting involved with are confused by what society paints as 'true love' and what they are feeling. They think that they are doing you a disservice thus believe there is someone better for you (and for them) as they go on to look for 'true love' when no one knows what that is.

Study up on the stages of love. Get a firm understanding of what you face, then be prepared to train your next lover in what love is really all about.

Most of us do not figure it out until our 30's, thus the higher rate of divorce for 20-somethings and first time marriages.

Around 30 we have enough real-time experience were we lower our expectations into something more along the lines of reality.

You can by-pass all of that by just doing a bit of study.

[princealbertofb]

It's odd, AlwaysImagine, because from reading the beginning of your post, I wouldn't have said that you were shy and introverted... you come across as quite the opposite. Maybe it's because you are introverted that you have the capacity to analyse things quite well, and maybe it gives you a sort of shine of confidence....

How do you explain people's attraction to you if you are NOT confident? Confidence is a very attractive quality and yet you seem to be saying that you don't possess it?
Where's the discrepancy?

I know for a fact that extremely shy people can sometimes extrovert themselves and almost become someone else, looking the very image of stability and confidence while inside they have a hard time overcoming these feelings of insecurity... I don't know how they do it, but they do.
Are you one of these people?

Can you point out what it is that people like about you and that they find attractive? Is it your wit? Your intelligence? Your kindness? Your interest in them?

What attracts YOU in another person? Maybe you are getting into the wrong relationships precisely because down deep inside you don't feel that you can allow yourself to be happy with these partners. You make it sound as if they are the ones feeling inadequate, so are you overcompensating your insecurities to the point that you're projecting the wrong image of who you really are? Do you need to start expressing your humanity more? Do you need to start looking less ''perfect''? Or do your previous partners really need to better themselves till they feel they are entitled? It's easy for gay people to feel inadequate and to ''hate'' themselves, partially or totally , but the secret is to find enough confidence to look happy and really BE happy at the same time.

One last question: Who, in your entourage (family or friends, or enemies?) sees you for what you think you really are? Are there any who read you like an open book?

[princealbertofb]

The first problem here is that there is this fairy-tale myth that romantic love/passionate love is the only kind of love there is.

...
Around 30 we have enough real-time experience were we lower our expectations into something more along the lines of reality.

You can by-pass all of that by just doing a bit of study.

Bowyn, I'm not going to post your post again but abridge it slighly, because, on the whole, I know what you're saying and I daresay it is true, up to a point... Allow me to look at the issue in a more positive light, perhaps. (?)

If this myth of true love exists, it's because it happens, to a certain point and it's about ideals (maybe utopia). There is nothing wrong in believing that you'll find someone some day that will fulfil your expectations of what a partner should be. Admittedly, it's going to be a bit more difficult for gays to find someone, given the sheer numbers (and all the ones who won't admit that they're potential boyfriend material). It is also true that at 30 or older, our expectations are maybe more realistic, but the ideal of love is not something that must be abandoned or shunned. It would be like asking a competitive sportsman not to do their best to be the champion, wouldn't it? I'd like to say that you have to have a little (or a lot) of ambition in how your love life will turn out.

The best love partnership is something to strive for, and indeed, when you get older and wiser, you also realise that it takes work, encouragement, mutual understanding, and listening to the other, to improve the partnership, the relationship and the lives we share or just to maintain a reasonable level of mutual appreciation and comfort.

If we are talking about unending passion in love, then, yes, that tends to die out after a while, but like a plant that will first flower, then bear fruit, there is no reason why that plant shouldn't thrive. But it takes watering, nurturing, and for further plant analogies, sometimes uprooting and planting in new soil... feeding some more, watering some more etc... It's work. In time, the plant will bear leaves, flowers, and fruit and it can all start over again, if you know how to keep it alive. mile: Learning that lesson can make all the difference.

[megumidesu]

i'm twenty-three and my expectations of love are pretty low

i just hope that my girlfriend will tolerate me most of the time , hahah ~

[Rainbowmum]

I have to wonder if the men you are attracted to have low self images.
Low self esteem will often make someone think they are not worthy of anything let alone a charming handsome man.

At times it can be so intimidating ,that they break it off before getting hurt.

[Blue]

This sounds like a case of the initial, fiery infatuation and passion wearing of, then you, and them mistaking the loss of that for a loss of love.

I know all my ex's still care deeply for me and think the world of me

That pretty well describes long term love. Sure you can ignite something close to that initial stage with a little effort now and then - keep the passion alive but, long term love is not built form those blocks, that's the cap on the chimney as it were, not the foundation of the relationship.

Trust, respect, concern, care, camaraderie, familiar comfort, those are the things you feel with a long term partner. So where does that ideal love come in, how do we get that?

That is the rarest beast, maybe non existent for some of us. It's finding someone you can share all of yourself with, and whom can share all of themselves with you, and when all of the dark holes and sealed vaults have been opened, you still trust and care for each other with all your heart, you're still comfortable and secure with your partner, and you know they aren't going to reject you because of those hidden place only they know about in you any more than you would reject them over their hidden places.

[ceez]

omg you guys make relationships sound exhausting:tongue: I'm not even sure if I still want one now:biggrin:

since I've never been in a relationship all I can add is I was taught that your life partner should be your best friend, someone that can share an unconditional love.

[megumidesu]

since I've never been in a relationship all I can add is I was taught that your life partner should be your best friend, someone that can share an unconditional love.

my "life partner" and my best friend who i love unconditionally are two different people , lol .
i do love my girlfriend a lot , but i love my best friend more ~~