Advice needed

[lizzielee]

I just need some advice please.

My son is 24 and is living in Athens. He is a qualified engineer and soon after he graduated, he left for a "short" holiday to Europe with 3 other friends and the plan was for him to come back and work in his profession. He already had a job offer before he graduated.

The short holiday was funded by us as a congratulations gift that was supposed to be 4 weeks. During that 4 weeks he contacted us and said that he wanted to extend the holiday to 6 months and could we fund it and he would pay us back. We said yes because number one, we were stupid at the time and number two we were happy he was having a great time. We thought he is young and having a great time so why not.

3 Years later, he is still living overseas. We funded him for two years while he was overseas racking up a bill of thousands he had to pay us back - one day when the planets align I suppose. We totally got sick of it and told him no more money.

He found a job (the poor thing he is) and works serving tables and has to work long hours to make a basic wage. I help him out with money now and again but not much. He was living with mates and could survive on his wage. 6 months ago, he wanted his own place and privacy so he, against our wishes and advice, signed a lease for 12 months and has to pay 480 euros per month!

Now he spoke to me and said he was depressed because he didn't have any money and is finding it hard. I wanted to say I TOLD YOU SO but I never. I just said do you want me to help you with a saving plan and he said no.

What do I do............. do I give him money to get him though this or do I let him learn the hard way?

I want to let him learn the hard way so he can learn from this but I don't know if that is the right thing to do and am I being mean doing this? Just confused............

Yes he is a spoilt boy and needs a kick up the arse! I know that but he just seems to know how to get around me and if I don't give him money, he starts to get a bit cold towards me and reminds me how his other friends, have their European holiday covered by their parents........ so, naturally this makes me feel guilty

What do you think I should do?

[Blue]

I would get online and search for charities and social services in his area and direct him to what help is available without sending money. You're right that he needs to learn to stand on his own, but as a parent you still want, and need to do something to help him.

[pellaz]

.., During that 4 weeks he contacted us and said that he wanted to extend the holiday to 6 months and could we fund it and he would pay us back. We said yes because number one, we were stupid at the time and number two we were happy he was having a great time. We thought he is young and having a great time so why not ...

as a parent I would not have let him loose his engineering job offer.

[lizzielee]

as a parent I would not have let him loose his engineering job offer.

..........and we fought with him over this but he said jobs are easy to find and again, against our advice, he let it go....... We felt helpless in that situation but as the plan was for him to come back in 6 months we thought we would find a job PLUS........... he kept reminding us he was an adult and was capable of making his own decisions!!!

[lizzielee]

You're right that he needs to learn to stand on his own, but as a parent you still want, and need to do something to help him.

........Yes........and that Blue, is what I don't know what to do. Where do I draw the line with him? Do I yet again, rescue him or leave him.............. i'm pulling my hair out with him!! It's so confusing and I don't like the bit were he is feeling depressed either. I worry about that. So yeah, it's a difficult situation .......

[pellaz]

So it was his decision to live where he is now and his initial job offer was in near his home town? He needs to return home if he can't get things to go where he is

[lizzielee]

So it was his decision to live where he is now and his initial job offer was in near his home town? He needs to return home id he can't get things to go where he is

Yes here in Perth........and yes I agree....... He even has the return ticket paid for. Banging my head against the wall here with him..........

[dfiant]

he kept reminding us he was an adult and was capable of making his own decisions!!!

Treat him like the adult that he thinks he is and force him to DECIDE to self fund rather than mooch off his parents.

I am not a parent, but I am a son with a wonderful mother who I know would do anything to ensure that I am financially not in stress....but I get cross with her when she even does the little things like buy me a new shirt, because that is not her job as a mother any more.

I simply cannot stand children not taking responsibilty and expecting their parents to bail them out when they are adults. If he makes the wrong choices, it should not be mum and dad bailing them out with hard earned cash that can be used to fund a comfortable retirement.

[lizzielee]

Treat him like the adult that he thinks he is and force him to DECIDE to self fund rather than mooch off his parents.

TRUE TRUE TRUE.......Yes, I will do that.!!!


QUOTE]I simply cannot stand children not taking responsibilty and expecting their parents to bail them out when they are adults. If he makes the wrong choices, it should not be mum and dad bailing them out with hard earned cash that can be used to fund a comfortable retirement.[/QUOTE]


Yes you are right. That is the situation I am facing. I think I have to, as chopper whould say, HTFU.......... lol.........

[ChadCoxRox]

No more money until he is home where you can control what money to where. Even if it works to get him home...no money to HIM. If he came home to begin building for himself I'd consider matching him in a graduated fashion so that the more he earns the more you promise up to your capacity limit. Like for the first year, a deposit and first month's rent might be reasonable, but no more assistance other than maybe some food until he's stayed put and stable for six months. Something to this effect...IN WRITING...face-to-face agreed upon in the family as a matter of family. AND NO OTHER deals or gifts or giving in! (just my advice)

Otherwise, NO MORE MONEY PERIOD.

I trust my gut and I smell substance abuse. I'd demand regular drug screenings or NO MONEY PERIOD. NO matter how outlandish he may scream the suspicion is. (just my advice)

Don't you just want to love your child and not care how anyone else judges the circumstance? I am sorry for your worry, but you are a good parent despite any mistakes. We all get to keep growing and learning as long as we are actually living! Show him...don't tell him.