My time of need
10-07-2012, 12:52 AM
Hi, I must first apologize for barging in on this community without proper introduction and "lurk time." I'm not especially aware of any site-specific etiquette, so, again, I apologize if I offend/have offended!
Please read this post in its entirety if you choose to reply, I'm tired of knee-jerk reactions. I don't like to tell a story without context, so prepare for some perhaps boring detail. Thanks for sticking with me thus-far =]
For the past three years, I have not had social interaction with anyone beyond my family and their friends (they come by the house). I have left the house only to visit the store (rarely), ride my bike, and, if I am forced, attend family events.
At the beginning of these three long years, or, rather, just before, my friends and I were having a grand old time experimenting with ecstasy. The group was fairly balanced, consisting of three girls and four boys. We were like a troupe of performers, always going here and there, loud and brash; we lived life and did not care what others thought of us.
One day at the beach (Crescent Bay, for those who know the Cali coast) we were rolling (indulging in a bit of ecstasy). At some point, one of the other boys (all of us gay) removed his clothes, all except for the provocative speedo he was wearing. I'm not sure if I was aware of it, but at that moment, my brain in a dopamine and serotonin induced warm haze, my life was forever shifted from wherever I had been heading.
I did not feel a sexual attraction, but a platonic love greater than any I've ever experienced, past E experiences included. There was nothing of lust, or desire, except maybe that of hugging; simply pure, almost unadulterated love. I stood up, grabbing my shitty old Zune and audio splitter for sharing the music. All the while, my eyes had locked with his, and he began to rise, too.
"Care to walk," I clumsily said, with what I'm sure was the most childish, free grin the world has ever known (the E, remember).
With a simple "sure," we were off. I can't recall what music we decided on. One ear buzzed with the incredible sensation of sound waves pulsing through my ear drums, my heart was beating wildly. I felt an electric jolt shoot straight up my left hand, up my spine, and finally all over as goosebumps prickled my skin. He was holding my hand. It is worth noting at this point that I had not been in a serious relationship, or, indeed, any kind of non-friendship relationship with another boy. I was a virgin in the truest since of the word, and with all the naivety that goes with it.
Someone yelled "FAGGOTS!"
For the first time in my life, I did not feel a surge of rage and indignation. I lifted my right hand, waved, realized I was trying to be rude, and turned my middle finger to him instead. We continued walking, neither of us saying anything, until the sun, or maybe the E- probably both- got to us. We sat back near the cliff/rock face, anxious to relax in the shade. If you've ever done E before, then you know that it tends to make one quite empathetic. Well, we had a heart to heart conversation, mainly about life and our respective childhoods. The sense of platonic bond grew deeper, and at this point, I realized that something was bubbling up from deep inside. I was falling in love, again. Only this time, it seemed like I had all the chance in the world; impossible to fail.
A week passed, and nothing went between us. I was fearful that it really had just been a fluke of the drug, and that he didn't still share the same feelings I was now desperately trying to cope with. So I said nothing; an entire week I sat idly by, waiting for some sort of sign. And I was rewarded. It came in the form of a text, "wanna hangout?" I asked where and when, he said we'd think of something when we met up.
Some minutes pass, and he was at the door. No sooner than I had opened it to let him in than did he rush past me, whip around, and pull a small baggie from his pocket. Two little blue tablets rolled back and forth inside, like some sort of mesmer parody. I broke into a smile, nodding my head in silent agreement to his unasked question. We were reckless, what can I say? The stupidity of youth is a curse.
We drove down to a park that all of us normally hung around. Popping our pills, we set out a-walking down the narrow, long Green Belt. There are houses on either side and a small, pitiful creek flows through the central "valley"- a depression all of one hundred feet deep, and nary two hundred across. It was dusk, and I could not see anyone about. Once the drug began its assault upon my nervous system, I suggested we go to the sandbox and sit in the swings. Much joy and silliness ensued.
As with all the psychedelics I've tried, E comes in waves and they often have different flavors. After we'd played ourselves out on the swings, we once again lapsed into deep conversations about . . . things. So deep, in fact, that I cannot recall them =P Such is the nature of love and drugs, that the mind is wont to forget the small details. And just like the first time, I felt my love, the raw, sexually charged kind, for him well up within me. Maybe it showed, or, as is more likely, maybe it was his "plan" all along. We got to walking again, not getting very far before he laid himself down on the turf, and invited me to join him. Not knowing what I was doing, or why I wasn't doing, I sat next to his lying form. Something about simply lying down did not seem right.
But the choice was made for me, and far be it from me to deny myself such a thing. He reached for my arm and roughly yanked me to his side. I was surprised, I've gotta say. I'm 5' 10 and he is somewhere around 5' 5, so when I felt myself thud into the ground, my back immediately chilling with the cool comfort of the grass, I did not know what had happened for a moment or two.
we lay for some minutes, the time lazily slipping by with the stars. It was probably not that long, the time that we simply laid together, side by side, but it seemed like a sort of wonderful eternity. I was torn from my reverie by the feeling of a hand gently sliding across my chest. When did that happen, I thought. No time to enjoy the surprise, now he had a leg between mine and was slowly working his way on top of me. He laid his face in the crook of my neck, and mumbled a few words. I didn't hear what they were, but I wasn't interested in asking. My lust had taken me most completely.
I'll spare you all the intimate details, that night saw me receive my first blowjob. After that night, we talked over AIM a lot, and hung out together without the others. Everything seemed rosy and wonderful, the world was looking up after a depressingly lonely high school stint. One day, not more than three weeks past, he and I were at Brenden's house, just playing video games and smoking pot. Guy stuff. When Clinton (guy this whole story revolves around, haha) wanted to go home, I opted to hitch a ride so as not to be abandoned out in the boonies were Brenden's house is. He acted strangely, insisting that I stay, but I'm stubborn, so eventually I ended up getting my ride home.
After I'd gotten home, I was feeling particularly sentimental, so I sent Clinton an IM. "I really love you ♥"
After about ten minutes, he responded with "Yeah, I figured." A few curt words later, I was bawling, too crushed to be angry at this point; not even able to muster the will to ask him why. I later found out that he had been fawning after the guy that we'd been hanging out with for months prior to our little tryst- though I am stung to call it that. At this point, I was very, very hurt and needed a soul to confide in. Who better than Brenden? I'd known him since 7th grade, and he was a very empathetic person. After telling him the whole story, I learned that Brenden had been crushing on me for some time. Worse yet, Clinton had wnated Brenden. At that moment, it all became clear to me, and I nearly screamed in rage. To be so taken, and used like that. The feeling was indescribable; the shame of being a tool in someone's plot, my first experience being a complete sham, it all came crashing down on me in the blink of an eye.
After a week or so of turbulence, my friends decided that they were not going to exclude anyone based on a sexual escapade- the group was to stay the group. But I could not hang out with the bastard that had so ruined my happiness. So I stopped hanging out with them. Slowly, all contact faded, and now you have been brought full circle to my current situation.
I fear that I may be developing a slight case of agoraphobia. I do not feel competent, or the match to anyone in any arena, including beauty. I am cripplingly self concious, and this makes it difficult for me to go out. I'm not sure if it's related, but I have had several "anxiety attacks" since. One was at a sushi bar, waiting for the best chef to become available. I suddenly felt the familiar feeling of light headedness. A vague whirring in my ears, slowly increasing in volume and urgency; that awful whitening of the edges of my vision. All of which is followed by me passing out. It has only happened in public places thus-far, though I do not feel any particular worries of fears before the onset.
Please help me. I do not know what to do, and feel trapped. Money is very much an object, so I cannot afford therapy of any type. If I read this, I would check "basketcase" on my list, and suggest treatment. Unless you can personally recommend a free practitioner nearby my location, please don't. I know you're not doctors, but I needed to get this off my chest, and I was hoping that just maybe someone could offer personal insight, perhaps stemming from a similar episode.
Thankyou for taking the time to read this massive wall of text. Feel free to PM or respond directly to this thread.
Please read this post in its entirety if you choose to reply, I'm tired of knee-jerk reactions. I don't like to tell a story without context, so prepare for some perhaps boring detail. Thanks for sticking with me thus-far =]
For the past three years, I have not had social interaction with anyone beyond my family and their friends (they come by the house). I have left the house only to visit the store (rarely), ride my bike, and, if I am forced, attend family events.
At the beginning of these three long years, or, rather, just before, my friends and I were having a grand old time experimenting with ecstasy. The group was fairly balanced, consisting of three girls and four boys. We were like a troupe of performers, always going here and there, loud and brash; we lived life and did not care what others thought of us.
One day at the beach (Crescent Bay, for those who know the Cali coast) we were rolling (indulging in a bit of ecstasy). At some point, one of the other boys (all of us gay) removed his clothes, all except for the provocative speedo he was wearing. I'm not sure if I was aware of it, but at that moment, my brain in a dopamine and serotonin induced warm haze, my life was forever shifted from wherever I had been heading.
I did not feel a sexual attraction, but a platonic love greater than any I've ever experienced, past E experiences included. There was nothing of lust, or desire, except maybe that of hugging; simply pure, almost unadulterated love. I stood up, grabbing my shitty old Zune and audio splitter for sharing the music. All the while, my eyes had locked with his, and he began to rise, too.
"Care to walk," I clumsily said, with what I'm sure was the most childish, free grin the world has ever known (the E, remember).
With a simple "sure," we were off. I can't recall what music we decided on. One ear buzzed with the incredible sensation of sound waves pulsing through my ear drums, my heart was beating wildly. I felt an electric jolt shoot straight up my left hand, up my spine, and finally all over as goosebumps prickled my skin. He was holding my hand. It is worth noting at this point that I had not been in a serious relationship, or, indeed, any kind of non-friendship relationship with another boy. I was a virgin in the truest since of the word, and with all the naivety that goes with it.
Someone yelled "FAGGOTS!"
For the first time in my life, I did not feel a surge of rage and indignation. I lifted my right hand, waved, realized I was trying to be rude, and turned my middle finger to him instead. We continued walking, neither of us saying anything, until the sun, or maybe the E- probably both- got to us. We sat back near the cliff/rock face, anxious to relax in the shade. If you've ever done E before, then you know that it tends to make one quite empathetic. Well, we had a heart to heart conversation, mainly about life and our respective childhoods. The sense of platonic bond grew deeper, and at this point, I realized that something was bubbling up from deep inside. I was falling in love, again. Only this time, it seemed like I had all the chance in the world; impossible to fail.
A week passed, and nothing went between us. I was fearful that it really had just been a fluke of the drug, and that he didn't still share the same feelings I was now desperately trying to cope with. So I said nothing; an entire week I sat idly by, waiting for some sort of sign. And I was rewarded. It came in the form of a text, "wanna hangout?" I asked where and when, he said we'd think of something when we met up.
Some minutes pass, and he was at the door. No sooner than I had opened it to let him in than did he rush past me, whip around, and pull a small baggie from his pocket. Two little blue tablets rolled back and forth inside, like some sort of mesmer parody. I broke into a smile, nodding my head in silent agreement to his unasked question. We were reckless, what can I say? The stupidity of youth is a curse.
We drove down to a park that all of us normally hung around. Popping our pills, we set out a-walking down the narrow, long Green Belt. There are houses on either side and a small, pitiful creek flows through the central "valley"- a depression all of one hundred feet deep, and nary two hundred across. It was dusk, and I could not see anyone about. Once the drug began its assault upon my nervous system, I suggested we go to the sandbox and sit in the swings. Much joy and silliness ensued.
As with all the psychedelics I've tried, E comes in waves and they often have different flavors. After we'd played ourselves out on the swings, we once again lapsed into deep conversations about . . . things. So deep, in fact, that I cannot recall them =P Such is the nature of love and drugs, that the mind is wont to forget the small details. And just like the first time, I felt my love, the raw, sexually charged kind, for him well up within me. Maybe it showed, or, as is more likely, maybe it was his "plan" all along. We got to walking again, not getting very far before he laid himself down on the turf, and invited me to join him. Not knowing what I was doing, or why I wasn't doing, I sat next to his lying form. Something about simply lying down did not seem right.
But the choice was made for me, and far be it from me to deny myself such a thing. He reached for my arm and roughly yanked me to his side. I was surprised, I've gotta say. I'm 5' 10 and he is somewhere around 5' 5, so when I felt myself thud into the ground, my back immediately chilling with the cool comfort of the grass, I did not know what had happened for a moment or two.
we lay for some minutes, the time lazily slipping by with the stars. It was probably not that long, the time that we simply laid together, side by side, but it seemed like a sort of wonderful eternity. I was torn from my reverie by the feeling of a hand gently sliding across my chest. When did that happen, I thought. No time to enjoy the surprise, now he had a leg between mine and was slowly working his way on top of me. He laid his face in the crook of my neck, and mumbled a few words. I didn't hear what they were, but I wasn't interested in asking. My lust had taken me most completely.
I'll spare you all the intimate details, that night saw me receive my first blowjob. After that night, we talked over AIM a lot, and hung out together without the others. Everything seemed rosy and wonderful, the world was looking up after a depressingly lonely high school stint. One day, not more than three weeks past, he and I were at Brenden's house, just playing video games and smoking pot. Guy stuff. When Clinton (guy this whole story revolves around, haha) wanted to go home, I opted to hitch a ride so as not to be abandoned out in the boonies were Brenden's house is. He acted strangely, insisting that I stay, but I'm stubborn, so eventually I ended up getting my ride home.
After I'd gotten home, I was feeling particularly sentimental, so I sent Clinton an IM. "I really love you ♥"
After about ten minutes, he responded with "Yeah, I figured." A few curt words later, I was bawling, too crushed to be angry at this point; not even able to muster the will to ask him why. I later found out that he had been fawning after the guy that we'd been hanging out with for months prior to our little tryst- though I am stung to call it that. At this point, I was very, very hurt and needed a soul to confide in. Who better than Brenden? I'd known him since 7th grade, and he was a very empathetic person. After telling him the whole story, I learned that Brenden had been crushing on me for some time. Worse yet, Clinton had wnated Brenden. At that moment, it all became clear to me, and I nearly screamed in rage. To be so taken, and used like that. The feeling was indescribable; the shame of being a tool in someone's plot, my first experience being a complete sham, it all came crashing down on me in the blink of an eye.
After a week or so of turbulence, my friends decided that they were not going to exclude anyone based on a sexual escapade- the group was to stay the group. But I could not hang out with the bastard that had so ruined my happiness. So I stopped hanging out with them. Slowly, all contact faded, and now you have been brought full circle to my current situation.
I fear that I may be developing a slight case of agoraphobia. I do not feel competent, or the match to anyone in any arena, including beauty. I am cripplingly self concious, and this makes it difficult for me to go out. I'm not sure if it's related, but I have had several "anxiety attacks" since. One was at a sushi bar, waiting for the best chef to become available. I suddenly felt the familiar feeling of light headedness. A vague whirring in my ears, slowly increasing in volume and urgency; that awful whitening of the edges of my vision. All of which is followed by me passing out. It has only happened in public places thus-far, though I do not feel any particular worries of fears before the onset.
Please help me. I do not know what to do, and feel trapped. Money is very much an object, so I cannot afford therapy of any type. If I read this, I would check "basketcase" on my list, and suggest treatment. Unless you can personally recommend a free practitioner nearby my location, please don't. I know you're not doctors, but I needed to get this off my chest, and I was hoping that just maybe someone could offer personal insight, perhaps stemming from a similar episode.
Thankyou for taking the time to read this massive wall of text. Feel free to PM or respond directly to this thread.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
