Are gay men capable of monogamy?

[ChadCoxRox]

I know a gay couple, they have been together for over 10 years, as far as I know there has been no cheating.

If you commit to someone it is bad to cheat. Myself, I don't care. I don't want a relationship with a single person, why limit oneself to just one other.

As I am agnostic I believe the couple thing has been created by religion. Why not just enjoy sex with someone you have feelings for. Even if it is a few people at a time

Like going out and having a beer, will you do that with only one other person?

Fred

I have to respectfully disagree with this suggestion as the OP clearly points out the ongoing value to family and values that are totally obliterated by such an attitude or perspective. Regardless of religious beliefs, the morals that have been demonstrated to the children and the family unit should be more respected else you teach the children the set standards were not real enough to warrant integrity in action when things get rough because of one's disrespect and neglect.

IF the OP is interested in such a lifestyle, I'd strongly suggest considering how to convey the break from the former and keep such a shift strictly private and unavailable to the kid's access or understanding.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Thanks for the messages guys.

I think I already know deep down what the outcome should be, its just such a hard thing to face up to, accept and then move on from, especially with our whole social life and group of friends/family being so intertwined

Being 4 months short of my 50th birthday seems to make the prospect of being single a rather ominous cloud on the horizon and is perhaps clouding my usual stance of leading by example!

CCR - I think that while Fred made a good point and made me stop and think, you've actually hit the nail on the head. I have family values and too much self respect to contemplate excusing his behaviour as some kind of mid-life crisis. And Im both older and wiser, I like to think in equal measures.....

Blue - Your absolutely right about the trust thing. It took me a long time (and a lot of soul searching) to restore any trust in him, and that was when I was working mainly in UK with only occasional international trips (and he mainly came with me) To try and do that now when Im actually on international assignment would be a huge strain on the relationship and probably unsustainable even n the short term.

Thanks again guys. The messages do help

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Oh dear, you might want to go read this thread :gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=22267 (Cant post link as not reached 50 posts yet LoL)

Replaces BA with OlderbutWiser and sits back waiting on the Tsunami to pass

Man that thread is so spookily close to what Im going through right now, even down to how Im feeling.....

[Blue]

It's never easy when a relationship falls apart. No matter how much is wrong, we still love them and, that makes doing what's best for us one of the hardest things in the world.

You know it isn't going to be a clean, fast break because of friends, families and finances and, that's a hard road none of us want's to go down, even when we know we have to take that road.

Just know that you aren't alone, a lot of us have been or are on that road.

[Marc]

I feel your pain my freind.

I am a completely loyal guy, I have never and would never cheat on a partner, but I also expect the same from my partner.

I have been in 2 long term relationships and all 2 partners ended up cheating, hence the finishing of the relationship.

Obviously I wasnt enough for them, although it wasnt lack of sex, cuz I have a very high sex drive.

But personally, I could never forgive a cheater.

[Dylannihilation]

[COLOR="DarkRed"]My best friend and his boyfriend are in a very similar situation to that! Luckily, though, there hasn't been any cheating. It's really refreshing to see them because they ARE so in love and committed and it gives me quite a bit of hope. They've been together for 4 years now and they're the strongest couple I know...so it is very possible!

Hopefully everything works out with you...and his behavior is super suspicious. It seems like you guys aren't on the same page and that won't happen until he TALKS to you. :/ [/COLOR]

[Rainbowmum]

Hi OlderButWiser it seems to me that your man protest too much.
I do not know , how you both handled the last cheating he did ;did you nag did ;you not want to talk about it?

I guess I am just trying to find out about the explosive manner in which he reacted.
One thing I can tell you for sure is ,that if he lies he will keep on lying through his teeth , till his face turns blue.

I am not going to tell you to leave him , but I am going to ask if you can live and love him if he did cheat.

There is this old myth that you should stay with someone for the children, that is the worse thing you can do to a child.

Good luck with it all ,we are all here for you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Are gay men capable of monogamy?

Some are - I suspect that those who can count their sexual exploits (partners) on one or two hands are more prone to being attached to people and need sex to take place in the context of love, caring, commitment.

I suspect those that are more 'active' view sex as something else - a mere handshake - nothing really connected to it, thus the need for monogamy just doesn't exist there.

I for one am a monogamous gay male - When I'm with a man I might consider for a moment potentials of stepping out of that relationship for sex on the side, but do it - never.

Replaces BA with OlderbutWiser and sits back waiting on the Tsunami to pass

Man that thread is so spookily close to what Im going through right now, even down to how Im feeling.....

I'm sorry.

Over the past month I have ridden a roller coaster of emotions. About two weeks ago (feels like a decade, feels like ten minutes ago) My ex decided to call one of my gal-pals (AKA fag-hag) and tell her that I slept around on him :eek: !

Thus was a shit storm of anger.

We are currently in a state of indifference to one another with occasional bouts of me wanting to make him stop doing that annoying thing he does, you know - breathing..... :tongue:

I think the largest mistake I made in this relationship was breaking my vow to never be in a relationship with an HIV positive person. Two years in he tested positive lied, and lied some more, then about 5 years after the fact he 'confessed' that he had gone out and tweaked with his ex.

IF I had been smart I should have listened to my gut when he came home with a positive on his test score. I knew that that was wrong, that something major had taken place. But I allowed myself to explain it away and stuck it out actually believing it was a one off deal.

12 years after that I discovered that it wasn't a one off, just business as usual.

My advice would be listen to your gut and find evidence and present him with it.

Move on if he has been up to his old tricks. Seriously.

[Double007]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having issues. I hope things work out for the best. I do believe that monogamy boils down to the person and not just whether they are gay, Bi, or straight. After all, the divorce rate for heterosexuals is between 40-60%. The statistics show it's usually the result of cheating.

[BobInTampa]

Well, I'm torn on this one - not about the cheating, IF he cheated, and right now you're going by perceptions and feelings, but unless you catch him or find hard evidence (even tho he's cheated in the past), its more mistrust than proof. Again, i'm NOT minimizing what you're feeling, but, let's try to look at the facts as you've shared them with us:
1) He's 10 years your junior - sorry, but statistically, relationships with a 10+ year difference are very difficult to maintain - nevermind you're away from him for months at a time. Can they work, yes, but they require a lot more work to maintain. No matter how committed a couple is, it's 10 years, that's a generation's-worth of life experience and unless it's nurtured daily, the relatioship can wane. Oh, and i think you said you've been together for 7 years? (maybe 8?), well, we have what's called the "7-year itch" here in the States. Basically, this means that almost every LTR, gay or str8, that reaches the 7-8 year benchmark, experiences issues. 1/2 of the couple starts re-considering the LTR, and asking him/herself, "is this what my life is going to be like from now on?" and they consider doing things they woudn't normall do: ie: cheating.

2) He cheated in the past. Ok, i dont' want to sound cruel here, but you caught him cheating, he swore up and down he'd never do it again - and you belived him. Well, if there's one thing we know to be true almost 100% of the time, it's: A cheater is a cheater. Again, i'm not trying to be cruel here, but i'm betting his already justified what he's done (if he cheated again) and why he feels it's justified. I mean, i know you love him, but if he knew you expected 100% monogamy, and he cheated once, and now you think he's cheated again - well, clearly he dosn't share that feeling.

3) Ok, monogamy - time for a bucket of cold water here my friend. Monogamy is a wonderful and special committment. Remaining monogamous takes alot of work - by both parties. I did some research on divorces in the military, and i think your situation is similar to a military family. Divorces have skyrocketed in the US military over the last 7 years to a point where the armed forces have created special support services to try and help couples stay together. Now, factor in that you're in a GAY LTR, and it's not recognized by the state, you're away for 6-8 months at a time, you see him for a short stint, go on some vacations, and then it starts all over again. That's A LOT of stress and pressure on you both to deal with and work on to keep your LTR bonded tightly. Again, i'm not defending him at all, just trying to keep things in perspective.

4) He knew what he was getting into: Right? I mean, he knew your job, he knew you'd be away for long periods of time, right? But, he did cheat - and i'm sure he came up with all the standard excuses: it meant nothing, i was lonely, you're never here when i need you, i feel so alone, etc. No justification at all, but sometimes at the beginning of an LTR, cuoples will accept circumstances at the outset, that over time become to much to handle.

All that said, let me ask you this. Would you change your job so you could live at home full time? Is your LTR worth making a professional/finacnial sacrifice so you can stay together?

You really can't "work" on yoru LTR from Africa - over the phone or internet....so what areyour options? Break up because you BELIVE he cheated, or re-assess your LTR and make the call that you eaither change jobs and stay home, or end the LTR, because i'm betting its to the point now where he's become so disengaged with you and the LTR that he's just going thru the motions.

What are your thoughts on what i posted?