Are gay men capable of monogamy?

[Blue]

Bob, what you say is valid, all good point's but, based on my own and the experiences of friends, ignoring you instinct and intuition and waiting for that hard proof before you confront a likely cheating partner is not a good idea.

As for monogamy, I don't find it all that difficult. If I love my partner and, want to keep something that personal intimate between just us, it sure isn't hard to do. Lots of ways I can relive the tension without cheating if need be. Sure I look and imagine what a bit of strange might be like now and then, but that's as far as it goes, I wouldn't do the strange.

There is a lot to be said for the connection you CAN share with your partner, and more to be said for not ruining that by cheating. Maybe so many find it hard to be monogamous because they have never felt that connection with anyone. *shrug*

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hey Bob thanks for the post.

Let me answer your last point first if I may. Completely agree that trying to manage the situation from another continent isn't going to work, so Ive already arranged to fly home at the end of this week to try and sort things out between us (12 hour flight)

Regarding evidence, I think Blue has hit the nail on the head on this one. How many of us have ignored that little voice of doubt or the out of the ordinary behaviour, only to find out later (sometimes much later) that they were well founded signs and everyone then says why didn't you know.... I prefer to try and fix things before they totally spiral out of control if possible, hence my proactive stance on this.

I think the seven year itch is universally recognised, but Im not entirely convinced if its fact or fiction....And we have been a couple for 8, so I figured we had passed that particular milestone!

The previous cheating was over 5 years ago, I think at some point you have to put it behind you and rebuild trust, otherwise your relationship is doomed from that point and you may as well cut your losses and give up there and then.

Your comment on monogamy is an interesting one. Im a 20 year military man (ex military now) and FYI LGBT relationships are recognised in the UK military and a number of other European military organisations. As an aside I was married for 14 years and completely monogamous for a very significant part of that. But your point is well made, I think Ive carried over my "family values" definition of monogamy into my gay relationships because its what Ive always done. Perhaps thats an unrealistic stance to take in a 21st century internet enabled world, where the temptation to stray is almost everywhere you look.

And yes he did know what he was getting into, although to be fair in the early days my international trips were short and more often than not he came with me. But I was already a senior company exec when we met, so travel was part of our life together almost from the get go. I had a couple of years of almost no international travel but that has changed over the last 18 months or so to the point where I am now on assignment for 13 months.

There are a couple of options regarding being on assignment: I can cut it short by a few months or he can come out and join me full time at the companies expense, although that would mean he gives up his job, not something he wants to do as we have previously discussed that option - plus Africa is extremely anti-gay to the point of extreme violence and prosecution etc. Changing jobs is an option, but in todays current financial climate its hard to walk away from a solid job thats built up 5 years of benefits, including LGBT partner ones. But yes, I value my relationship more than my job, so its on the table for discussion, but taking a step as large as that would require significant commitment from him towards our relationship.

So in short Bob, your post has given me a lot to think about. Thanks for that.

[TomStatic]

To me once a cheater always a cheater i would not be able for that at all,

Your better off without him , i mean someone who u cant trust what is the point in them been around

[megumidesu]

To me once a cheater always a cheater

i don't think that's true
i think that people can change and learn from past mistakes ...

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Tom,

Once a cheater..... True...

But it gets complicated.

Especially when you are older, hit a year ending in Zero - 30, 40, 50 and suddenly you feel like you have to stick it out to the bitter end (death).

The more years you invest into the relationship, the harder you try to hold on to that relationship, the more you are willing to let slide because you know its going to be too hard to scrape the board clean and 'start fresh'.

It becomes even harder if you are financially and legally bound up with that person. I'm currently roommates with my ex (its only been a month since the break-up). Why are we roommates? Because we are tied up together with 'stuff'.

And it is not easy to stop loving a person. Having ended other relationships, ones that ended with abuse I can honestly say I didn't stop 'loving' them over night. I might even carry the barest flicker of a flame for them somewhere even though decades have past.

So while your words are rational, I fear that ending a relationship rarely falls into the 'rational' area and there is a lot of emotional baggage and other stuff that makes what seems like a logical solution difficult.

[TomStatic]

Well I guess maybe if the person agrees to properly sort themselves out like go to a therpast or do couple therapy i mean its there for a reason and that could the way to help

[East]

I am reasonably sure my advice would not be welcome here so I will just answer the question...

YES...gay men can be monogamous and for the people who defined the people who were monogamous...think again. You are wrong.

I have been with over 500 men and been completely monogamous for 26 years with my lover...never even promised monogamy....I never let him promise monogamy to me either....we have a great relationship with alot of intimacy, respect, and friendship.

I value honesty over monogamy and my advice would probably be in left field due to that but once again I will say that monogamy is entirely possible with gay men...

...the odd thing is...if someone asked me to promise monogamy I would refuse.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Well that went down like a lead ballon! (The meeting, not my 12 hour flight LoL)

I left things for a day to allow for jet lag, and just had a general catch up with family etc. Sat him down Sunday afternoon (after he refused to come out for lunch) and almost immediately he got hostile and abusive. Not unexpected, but the name calling took me by surprise and was hurtful. All the usual bull - everyone else's fault, work pressure, family issues, low self esteem. Bla-bla-bla.....

I had already booked (and paid for) a couples counciling session for us for Monday afternoon as I've been so concerned at his recent behaviour and his abusive attitude towards me. Needless to say he blew that out too ("nothing wrong with him, but maybe I need some help" -his words)

So it's over, and I've given him a month to get his stuff together and move out. I feel strangly calm and relieved that its over, though I'm sure it will hit me when I get back on the plane on Thursday.

Time to recharge my batteries and take some time out I think. Thanks everyone for the earlier messages.

[East]

All the usual bull - everyone else's fault

UGH...I am extremely incompatible with people who have this thinking....

So in my opinion he did you a favor....

[rover330]

Very controversial subject. Let me preface the following with IMHO...

I don't believe men are capable of monogamy. Men have not traditionally been monogamous; men are not programmed to be monogamous by nature. Men are biologically programmed to spread their seed as far and wide as possible to ensure the genetic diversity of the species. I think that biological programming extrapolates to gay men as well.

If you had an agreement for monogamy, may I ask why? I've never understood jealousy, it's not logical; it implies that a partner can never find another man hot, can never appreciate the beauty of anyone but you. Because that would mean you're not attractive to him, right? Wrong. Just because you find someone else attractive does not mean you don't love your partner. Being threatened by that to me just screams insecurity. Having sex with someone other than your partner who you find smoking hot doesn't mean IMHO that you aren't getting enough sex from your partner or you are not attracted to him. He loves you even though he may want to throw down with Taylor Lautner.

Having said that, what would bother me if I were you, number one, the screaming, raising of voices, the disturbance of the peace of your home, that to me would be a dealbreaker. Moving your stuff into the closet is just plain cold, tacky, classless and insulting. Another thing that would hurt me deeply and be a dealbreaker. And why the hell isn't he keeping the house clean? If you're gone and you share a home, expecially if he does not work full time, that house should be spotless when you return.

Check out this youtube clip from Dan Savage.