Hello from a straight woman

[lili]

Hi,
I am a single straight woman. I am very aware and a little too self-conscious at the moment that I really do not fit the general profile here so I hope you will give me sometime before thinking I must be weird (maybe my self-consciousness is talking here, b ecause I am feeling really like i am running naked through a crowd.)

The reason I am here on this forum is the following: (sorry, not a day in my life did I manage to make things succinct so just hang in there)
About 4 years ago, life started happening. as a result of that about 2 years ago I started having a lot of time on my hands. I am of an older generation, politics and advertisement annoy me to no end, so I do not have a tv at home (Believe me I know its unusual. I have been told enough times) and I like to read. Even though I am not blessed with burdening smarts nor the looks actually, but that is irrelevant here; I am still able to navigate through the internet, and I like it, because I am not a very social person. Well, not anymore anyway. I like the distance internet puts me between me and the others. In the service of making this as short as possible, I first discovered manga on the net. Then it was anime, And one blessed day, I came across yaoi. I have no idea if you know but in case you don't it is japanese version of boy-love genre. gay love stories. They differ from fluffy to smutty, And I fell in love with it. Here for the benefit of persons who don't know anything about yaoi, I have read online, and I can imagine (but I can't say for sure); that yaoi doesn't have really anything to do with being gay. Anyhoo, from there I got curious and checked out gay porn, which I found very attractive. (I swear I am a normal person, I am not a freak or something, at least I don't think I am, My point is usually I am not a very porny person, not that I am not a sexual person, you know what; I am going to stop this right now. because I don't see a way out here.)
I have got some questions - really only a few, at least at the moment - in regards to being gay and gay-sex. And I have nobody I can ask the questions to. So I googled for online gay-forums and I found this one. This is the main reason why I am here.
That said, I do not wish to offend anybody. If this is offensive to you, I do apologize. That is not my intention.
To my person, I am in my 40's. I am a single straight woman by choice (ok the single part, the rest wasn't really my doing), though if I am honest I don't think men would line up to date me, or to marry me.
I like persons, but people in general are in my opinion a useless bunch. I can't stand politicians, lawyers and doctors, yet I recognize the fact that they are necessary evils (I am not that militant about them I just like to avoid them whenever, wherever however possible) and yet I have 4 doctors 1 lawyer and a politician (I suppose I have to call him that he is sort of the head of the district, I do not know the appropriate word in English for it); honestly, maybe that is the reason why I can't like those professions. Freud is dead, so the answer is anybody's guess.
I believe deeply in God but I think organized religion is a pile of shit. Again, only MY belief, MY opinion. Everybody is entitled to theirs, that is my belief. And If I had to choose one religion I would go with Buddhism, except I really really like meat.
I love to read, I have an eclectic music taste. I do listen to several genres, as long as they have a melody and a rhythm, even some rave music. But don't ever ask me their titles, cause I do not know.
I have 3 persons whom I call friends, then a bunch of acquaintances, and a ginormous group of people who claim the description family. To my knowledge I have no archenemies. But I am certain, a lot of people who don't like me.
These are the main points I can think of, if you have any questions to my person I will answer them to the best of my knowledge and conscious.
And when you feel comfortable enough with me, and trust me enough I would like to ask you about being gay, and yes also the sexual aspects. Again, please let me assure you, my purpose is not to offend anybody, I am really just curious about "being gay" -(sorry, that sounds retarded to me but I didn't know how to say it better.)
best regards
Lili
ps; in the name of full disclosure, Lili is just an internet name, But it is my usual internet name. (I hope that make sense to you.)

[pellaz]

... when you feel comfortable enough with me, and trust me enough I would like to ask you about being gay, and yes also the sexual aspects. Again, please let me assure you, my purpose is not to offend anybody, I am really just curious about "being gay" -(sorry, that sounds retarded to me but I didn't know how to say it better.)
best regards ...

this post is generally well written and kind. so at minim send it back to the top for possible consideration. See where it goes?

being gay is being part of something old and new but only a sexual preference. we are a tiny small part (3-8%) of the whole population and we have been here since the start. What our purpose is can't be said but we for some reason are not going away. At lease in n america being gay is not what it used to be, no one you pass on the side walk cares. A gay man can appreciate someone who takes care of his or her self, gay men and women are not any more driven by lust than the straights. We realize it is as much a lie to be masculine as it is to be effeminate. finally; sexual preference is different in every one, like being fat, short, tall, brown eyes blond hair. Your not going to change your eye color and you should not be required to or want to. dig it.

[Blue]

Ask away, I'm sure we all have out own unique answers to your questions. As long as we know it's honest curiosity, we aren't going to be offended.

Welcome to GaySpeak.

[lizzielee]

Hello and welcome.......

[ChadCoxRox]

what a nice way to jump in Lili! Welcome to GS I've not experienced any Yaoi but will check it out now with your reference. Being gay for me is just being sexual...not really defining I know, but then I think it's such a simple concept because of its complexity. Some may find that idea rubbish but hey what can you do? hmmm I understand your situation, because you do such a nice job describing it, and I certainly hope you'll consider engaging with some of the threads and get some helpful and/or enjoyable information.

[Rawr]

Hey welcome to the forums feel free to ask anything you want. There may even be a few threads which already answer your questions if you care to use the search option. If not, I'm sure a lot of the members here will be more than happy to answer your questions.

[mihai]

welcome lili.
i can prowdly say this is the 2nd large message i read since i am here

[princealbertofb]

Hello Lilli, and to GaySpeak. I daresay some of us will be able to answer your questions to your satisfaction. You may be in for a few surprises, of course, or maybe it'll just corroborate what you've already worked out for yourself from your many Internet lurches and searches.
I am interested in why you find gay porn interesting... and wonder what sort of porn you've been watching; after all, there are so many niches of porn. If you like yaoi, you probably like the tender style of porn, not the rough stuff, but I may be wrong.

I have a question for you? Despite being single, would you consider yourself romantic? Also, you live in the islands where the general opinion of gays can be quite harsh. How does that affect your thinking?

[dfiant]

The reason why there is a 'Gay Friendly' option for relationship status is because Gayspeak and all of us collectively welcome, without discrimination, anyone who whishes to be part of the Gayspeak Family.

So welcome to Gayspeak, happy to have you here

[lili]

I cannot thank you all enough. It is really generous of you. Considering I am a rather private person, if I were you I would be very prickly. So considering that I am all the more grateful for your understanding.
I was never against gays, so it is not like I was prejudiced. It is more like, because I never knew any adult (rather my aged) gay people, I never really thought of the circumstances. But ever since I have started getting interested I have been thinking about few things.
First, I live in a not very hung-up on religion-part of west Europe. So far from the prying eyes of Catholic church, not to mention Islam. The people here are open minded or maybe even indifferent, yet only as of late I came to realize, that gay couples and I am sure that there are many, cannot or do not engage in those little gestures of affections. I can imagine (imagine, because really, I am just guessing here) that part of it is the difference between women and men-folks. I mean, i like when my partner gently brushes my hair back or subtly guides me with an unobtrusive hand on the small of my back, or steals a kiss here and there. Not a public-tonsillectomy but just a little peck here and there. So even in this open minded land of gay-freedom, I have not ever seen anything like this. Not even hand-holding. So let me start asking with this ; is this a men vs women difference or no matter how open minded is it still rather norm for gay-couples to be publicly on their toes. (By the way it almost sounds like Jane Austen-esque; cannot even hold hands due to impropriety ?!?!?!)
I'll let the questions come slowly, it may sound weird but I do feel rather uncomfortable asking them. If you are old enough you might know this tv show; I feel like Balki from Perfect Strangers. You know, like these are very normal things I should know already, and I am making myself a little ridiculous by asking. Don't get me wrong I am shameless enough to ask away anyway, as long as there is somebody out there to answer them but I amstill a little timid about it.

this post is generally well written and kind. so at minim send it back to the top for possible consideration. See where it goes?

Thanks for the first part, And remember how I said, I am not burdened with overwhelming smarts, so please don't get annoyed with me when I ask, what do you mean by saying send it back to the top?

being gay is being part of something old and new but only a sexual preference. we are a tiny small part (3-8%) of the whole population and we have been here since the start. What our purpose is can't be said but we for some reason are not going away. At lease in n america being gay is not what it used to be, no one you pass on the side walk cares. A gay man can appreciate someone who takes care of his or her self, gay men and women are not any more driven by lust than the straights. We realize it is as much a lie to be masculine as it is to be effeminate. finally; sexual preference is different in every one, like being fat, short, tall, brown eyes blond hair. Your not going to change your eye color and you should not be required to or want to. dig it.

I am aware of that. When I got interested in the topic I did surf around a little, According to the information from netsurfing (meaning I cannot vouch for the accuracy of it) Homosexuality was actually more of an "open secret" in the middle ages than afterwards. I offer my deepest apologies to all the religious people in the forum, but it seems that the stronger the organized religions' standing got, the less tolerant the people became. Not only towards Homosexuality but towards women as well. At some point even punishable by death let alone jail-able by law. Being gay I mean, not being a woman. The part I am having difficulty understanding or imagining is the most mundane part , and sadly at probably most parts of the world still the most current one. How do you approach a person you are interested in. Because I think the sapphic love has it and has had it a lot easier throughout the history. First because I think, men were ignorant enough to think that "honorable" women didn't possess a sexual bone and secondly a woman had a vagina, just so they could bear a heir. And teachings of the religions Islam and Christianity (I can't say anything about Judaism, It has been more than 15 years I have read Torah.) Started turning vagina into the real weapon of mass destruction from very early on. So it was the duty of the woman to reproduce but no joy or God forbid enjoyment of sex. But a deep friendship/companionship between two women was normal to the men not to say even supported by them. So women had enough time to spend in each others company to evaluate the situation before putting themselves out there. But the "stigma" man to man love was always harsher, I suppose part of that harshness is testosterone. non gay men think gay men are not men enough and that; that is contagious. Im my opinion a heterosexual woman will refuse lesbian advances more moderately than a heterosexual man shots down a homosexual advance. Actually this is something I would like to hear your opinions about, too.
I honestly believe that the part of homosexuals are higher. Not because I believe in Santa Clause or because I have a gut feeling. It is just a probability-calculation. I sucked at math, so I can't go and lay out the numbers for you, but i figure by 7 billion people on the planet the probability of homosexual numbers being higher than 3-8% seems logical to me. But logic and I do not always keep company.

Ask away, I'm sure we all have out own unique answers to your questions. As long as we know it's honest curiosity, we aren't going to be offended.
Welcome to GaySpeak.

Thank you. It is really appreciated. But please pretty please, keep in mind, sometimes, I keep talking and asking, with no ill intentions. so please tell me straight forward if you find anything I say or ask offensive.

I've not experienced any Yaoi but will check it out now with your reference. ...
... I certainly hope you'll consider engaging with some of the threads and get some helpful and/or enjoyable information.

Hey welcome to the forums feel free to ask anything you want. There may even be a few threads which already answer your questions if you care to use the search option. If not, I'm sure a lot of the members here will be more than happy to answer your questions.

If I can be of any assistance in regards to yaoi please let me know. Just short (never be fooled by me whenever I use the phrase short except in terms of height) yaoi comes from Japan. A society that is built and ruled by shame concept and tradition. Also a society of sexual oppression. So from what I've read it was invented by women for women, so even though it is gay love, mostly one partner overtakes a definitive female role, not only in sexual terms but also in emotional terms. of course like anything else, there are several different types, shapes, premises, etc etc but this was the main idea. That is why it is claimed to be not realistic at all. Actually this was one of my questions, Is it true? to my knowledge and experience in a heterosexual relationship after a while at the latest there is a "role-assignment" which in most cases despite all the feminism, despite all the enlightenment, despite all the modern thinking, still leans towards a women more nester, men more hunter role even if there is a very sharing, caring, and equal partnership. So does that apply to homosexual relationships as well?
As usual I digressed, yes I will check out the forum deeper. I was a little apprehensive about the replies so I didn't hang around much. But after so many kind replies, I feel relaxed enough to hang around. Again Thanks!

welcome lili.
i can prowdly say this is the 2nd large message i read since i am here

I daresay, this one is going to shock you then

Hello Lilli, and to GaySpeak. I daresay some of us will be able to answer your questions to your satisfaction. You may be in for a few surprises, of course, or maybe it'll just corroborate what you've already worked out for yourself from your many Internet lurches and searches.
I am interested in why you find gay porn interesting... and wonder what sort of porn you've been watching; after all, there are so many niches of porn. If you like yaoi, you probably like the tender style of porn, not the rough stuff, but I may be wrong.
I have a question for you? Despite being single, would you consider yourself romantic? Also, you live in the islands where the general opinion of gays can be quite harsh. How does that affect your thinking?

I thought about why I like gay-porn myself. I suppose it is the same reason why heterosexual men like lesbian porn. I am a heterosexual woman. I will find an attractive male body always sexually attractive.I don't have to "do" it, beautiful is beautiful. Let me put it another way. I am a type one diabetic. So almost all of my life cakes and I never were a good couple. But to this day, I do my clothing shopping at most in 2 hours. but I go windowshopping for cakes for whole days. I surf the net for delicious, easy to make cake recipes. I don't eat them myself. Who knows maybe I am a closet masochist. Or maybe it is just the beauty of it. I don't know if they taste good. But I imagine they do. So pretty much the same principle applies. Also, the sex itself between the two men seems more lustful to me. Don't get me wrong I am not saying it is. I am just saying it seems that way to me.
In terms of yaoi, I had just finished watching Ouran Host Club and was looking for a similar anime. I did a search for similar genre, the name that came up was Gakuen Heaven. I didn't know what it was really about and I started watching it. For a non-suspecting person the first episode was "harmless" (fyi, a young boy gets transferred into an all boys school) the second episode had a lot of sexual tension, I may not be a genious but I am not that stupid either. Here is the thing though. What shocked me wasn't the gay undertone in terms of homosexuality. It was the fact that there was homosexual undertones in an R rated anime. I mean Japan; people c'mon! (I have no idea why I thought that, probably mostly because the general approach towards sexuality there is so similar to my native country, at least that's what I thought. so any Japanese on the forum, I am begging your forgiveness, please do not be offended,) So I googled Gakuen Heaven, from there I learned the term yaoi, and then it all took life, and swallowed me whole. yaoi anime has mostly soft and/or tender porn (yes I admit, I did watch most of them ) but in terms of manga, there is a wide, wide, wiiiiiiiiide variety. I mean Grand Canyon wide. Maybe it should be said at this point, if this post makes you want to check out yaoi, you have to go into the matter with an open mind. because they cover pretty much every base. Honestly I like most of them. It is drawn art, It is not real. and they draw such beautiful people.Keep an open mind and leave your prejudices at the door. Find a manga of which the art and the story you like and enjoy the hypothetical story. Now that said, I do enjoy hard yaoi as well. because in a hard yaoi the eroticism is not only sizzling but it is crackling. Tohjoh Asami, a mangaka, who passed away suddenly, drew yaoi hard core and hardcore. (FOR MATURE READERS ONLY), is one of my favorites. So in terms of yaoi; no not always tender.
Am I a romantic? I love romance. I love happy endings. I love anything romantic, But I highly doubt I am a romantic myself. I am a woman, but never in my life, even when I was young, did I care about any sort of anniversaries, birthdays, gifts. I hate roses. In my opinion roses are made to be punching bags of the flower kingdom. because, you make a pooh, you buy a bunch of roses and i forgive you? you treat me like an idiot 364 days like an idiot and then buy me roses and I am happy? for me roses are sorry flowers. not i appreciate you flowers. so many other things, that will make me tell you that i am not a romantic. but then there are the romantic comedies i love...
As for the Islands, I just hit a button at registration. I live in Austria. So actually English is not my native language, it is not even my second language. So please forgive any grammer mistakes!
As for environment influencing my thinking.I don't want to sound harsh but I never thought about "gays" as gays. What I am trying to say is this - and please do read the train of thought to the end before getting upset. A hole is a hole. what makes it different to where what gets stuck is love. I am rather indifferent, who loves who. as long as it is between consenting adults. Only recently have I realized, because in yaoi mangas, guys walking hand in hand cannot happen because of the society, when they live together they have to come up with excuses, etc, I realized I have never paid attention to my surroundings in that regard. And when I finally did, the lack of "obvious gays" struck me. So considering that I grew up in a Muslim country half my life and have been living in a very liberal "each to their own" thinking Austria ever since, I do not know. I really don't. I hope this is a comprehensive answer to that.

I am sorry this turned into a novella. But I wanted to be detailed and truthful, because when I finally get my courage I will ask you intimate questions. And I want to be able to say, I did answer your thoughts to my best myself.
Lastly, I wonder, does this even belong to this thread now?