Going out with friends!!

[archubbycub]

Ok this may sound weird but I'm having a bit of a hard time when it comes to going out an hanging around friends. My biggest problem is I always end up feeling like the proverbial third wheel of the group.

It happened Saturday night when I went out with some friends to my first gay bar and again tonight when I was eating supper with a different set of friends. And they try to include me in the conversation, but a lot of times I end up setting there listening to them talk or staring off into space.

I know a lot of it is the fact that I'm still dealing with the divorce and the break up with my first boyfriend, but I really hate feeling like this. And if the conversation turns to me being single again, someone always brings up the fact that they know someone they think would be perfect for me. Truth be told, I'm not ready to date yet. But they always bring it up!

How can I go out with my friends an not feel like the third wheel or the lonely old bachelor who everyone wants to hook up with someone?

[ChadCoxRox]

Sorry to hear it, but at least you are being social and trying. I'd think it would be fine even if you didn't! Grieving loss IS a process after all and you're certainly allowed to have some situational depression and discomfort. You also seem like a person suited for partnership with the right one, even if you are not ready for it again now...so maybe being in social situations just adds a frame around the fact that you are still going through the loss process and still healing. Maybe your place in that healing isn't at that level where you're going to be able to just let go and enjoy here-and-now socializing. I think and certainly hope you'll be much better in time but you do get to take "your" time dude! I hope it is helpful to share about it here though. I could have truly used this community four years ago when I was in the crescendo of my divorce grief. Love and hugs to you friend. Be forgiving of yourself and roll with it. Enjoy or "use" some "aloneness" for your own needs. Maybe get involved in some sort of productive or creative interest and know you NEVER have to be lonely...just come here and visit with us!

[Blue]

Just tell them, "Thanks but, I want to stay single for a while this time." They will catch on and quit trying to give you dates. Beyond that, jump in on other topics as you feel like doing.

I'm not a huge people person but, I did make it clear to friends right after my last break up that I didn't want dating advice and, would ask them if I ever wanted such advice. Once was enough, that has kept the topic off of my dates, or lack thereof.

[archubbycub]

Yeah I've been telling everyone that I'm no ready to date. I think it's very nice of them to think of me like that. No one ever did when I was pretending to be straight and single. The biggest thing is feeling like a third wheel. I always considered myself a social person, but I'm finding it hard to be social times lately.

[watkins]

I know how you feel, I think it is just one of those things that takes time to get over and eventually the staring will cease and you will feel a bit more involved. Stick at it..

[lizzielee]

I want to say it seems like you just need to have some time to yourself but I am worried you might be a bit depressed. Just keep an eye on yourself.

Everyone is trying to help you meet up with someone else because they just want to see you happy but they don't understand that you need time............they are just thinking they are helping you. Just let them know you aren't ready at the moment to get into another relationship just now.

Start off by doing small things like going out for a little bit then increasing it till you feel "right" about it all

Good luck with all of this.................as I can imagine you are going through a hard time at the moment.........

take care..........

[archubbycub]

Thanks lizzie! And I think you're right. I'm a little depressed, but not as bad as I was. Like I said in an earlier post in another thread, I'm getting a little bit stronger everyday. The thing I need the most is some time to just step back and get myself at a hundred percent so I can slowly start letting someone start seeing what's behind my walls and defenses.

[archubbycub]

Ok so I went out for supper with a different set of friends tonight and things were better. I didn't feel as much like a third wheel tonight as I have in the past. I think some of what happened last night was the fact that the two people I was with last night didn't know as much about me and what has been going on as the ones I was with tonight. And as far as going with my friends to the gay bar Saturday, the problem there was I was still coping with the breakup and my friends were a couple and they kept flirting with each other, which didn't help.

[lizzielee]

Well apart from the flirting incident, I am happy for you that you had a better time. Things will improve for you!

Good news................

[archubbycub]

Thanks Lizzie. Things are getting better. Yeah I have my set backs, but I don't set and think about what I could have done differently.