Seeking Advice from anyone

[southbayer]

Hello. *This is a long post, sorry.*

I'm lost on how to proceed in my domestic partnership (ya, California). My partner (26 yo) and I (25 yo) have been together for a little over 3 years and his choices have had a major toll on my health and outlook. I want to 'stick it out' and see better days but every time there is a glimmer of hope something else happens.

Going into it I knew he had a troubled background and fought depression. But over the past 3 years he has been unable to keep a job and now because of his choices is unable to get one. The four major events that occurred that have me really looking at this crossroads are:

1) RX drug misuse - for things that have been lawfully and properly prescribed to him. Mainly benzos and depression/sleep aids. About 2 years ago I had to have him taken to the hospital for 'accidental overdose' on the combo depression/sleep aid. The hospital, properly, placed him under a 72-hour hold and released him to his normal physc. The drug misuse has been hidden from me in the most part and has gotten problematic to the point that I now have all abusable mediations locked up in a safe which I am the only one that has access to.

2) Unable to keep jobs - in two of the 3 jobs he has had in the past 3 years he was either going to be terminated quickly or was terminated. Looking back, both of them the employer was in the right.

3) So - him being unemployed didn't really bother me and since August last year he has been not working. He somewhat keeps up our home but really didn't do a whole lot. Then a few months ago he was arrested for shoplifting (over 1k). It was a total nightmare getting him released and I promptly hired the best attorney I can find. I also got him into the best physiological/physiatry combination care I can find. He was quickly diagnosed Bipolar-1. At that point, looking back, I agreed with the doctor and we then proceeded to start treatment. Things were going well until..

4) A little while ago he was arrested again for petty theft. We had the money for the items and yet he still did it.

I asked his doctor a very difficult and loaded question - did he know what he was doing and did he know it was wrong. The doctor gave me the answer, which was not what I wanted to hear; basically yes to both.

So... I guess the true crossroad is here and I have to take action. Do I cut my losses (as I have burned through all of my savings and now am paycheck-to-paycheck) and dissolve the partnership and kick him out of my life to preserve what little hope of a future I have left or do I stick with him and 'get him the help he needs' (who knows what that will be).

Any advice - any quotes, anything would be ever greatly appreciated.

[Blue]

Your partner obviously needs help, and you obviously want to help him. That's all good but, as hard as it is to do, I think tough love is in order here.

He is relying on you to bail him out and, most won't get the help they need until they hit rock bottom, that's just human, and especially male nature. The only way he is going to see that he really needs help is if you stop bailing him out. (Yes do call 911 if his life is in danger, but don't bail him out financially, or out of jail.)

You want to stick it out, and that's admirable but, it's destroying you financially and, emotionally. In your place, I would go with separation, but not dissolve the partnership just yet. If he makes no move to improve himself, then file for a dissolution of the partnership - you will still have six months to reverse it, if he makes improvements in that time.

You could allow him to stay as a roommate, if you can handle that. If not, he needs to find a new home, or go to a shelter, or other housing.

In short, stop enabling his bad behavior and, ability to be in self denial - let him hit bottom.

[archubbycub]

I agree with Blue, for the most part. It sounds like your partner is on a downward spiral of self-destruction and he's sucking you and everyone around him down with him nth is is not good for anyone involved, but especially for both him and you. I don't know if I would go so far as a total separation, but you definitely need to back off, and more than just a little bit. He definitely needs a caring friend, several of them right now, but you CANNOT allow him to drain you physically, mentally, or emotionally at this point. Tough love is hard, on everyone involved. That's why it's called tough love. But you have to take care of yourself, first and foremost, before you can ever take care of yourself. I guess what I'm saying is, be there for him when he needs you, but let him know, in no uncertain terms, that you will no longer enable him to destroy both himself or anyone one else around him. Especially you!

[James]

The short version is if you don't take care of yourself, you will be unable to take care of anyone else, do not let it get to a point of no recovery for all persons envolved, starting with yourself, Jim

[Bowyn Aerrow]

1. He is an addict. Sorry, you can't fix that for him. He has to be willing abd able to see he has a problem and then start working on that.

The best YOU can do is find an alanon/alateen meeting where YOU go and learn from others how to deal with an alcoholic/addict in your life: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

2. He is an addict - yeah sound the same, however addicts rarely have just the issue of drug use/abuse. We addicts tend to have a lot of extra baggage that we are dealing with. Drugs help to make us feel better but at the same time drug use mucks everything else up as we use our addict mentality to deal with situations and our lives.

He isn't going to seek help until he hits bottom.

Seriously, I doubt the threat of separation or breaking up is going to be his bottom. If anything this will only drive him to hiding his issues a bit better while seeking ways to get his fix and do stuff even more.

The addict mind is such that when it is opposed, it lashes out with more of the same.

Mental/Emotional Health issues are troublesome. Most psychiatrists throw prescriptions at the problem and often misdiagnose the patient. I'm one such case where Seasonal Affected Disorder was incorrectly diagnosed as chronic depression and the prescribing doctor threw me on antidepressants that made a bad situation worse - to the point where I purposefully over dosed to the point of death. Stomach pumps, heroic measures (resuscitation) is the only reason why I am here today.

His not wanting to work, his inability to keep a job is most likely a mix of addiction and depression. If a psych refuses to counsel him more than 15 minutes, and he has no therapist then these things will worsen over time.

Since he uses/abuses RX pills then no amount of prescription will help. They will only cause more harm.

You need Alanon http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ He needs a therapist, a sit down 1 hour meeting once or twice a week to help him to work through 'crap'. If he is unwilling to go, don't try to force him. He will either sit in silence for that hour or he will B.S. the therapist for an hour.

Alanon will tell you about tough love and they most likely will listen to what you have to say and tell you to move on, move out and drop him. Not because they hate him, but because he needs to do this by himself and not pull you or others down with him. He also needs to find his bottom - be in prison, hospital, institution. There is a point where he will be so deep into his problem he will acknowledge he needs help and then seek that help.

From what you have wrote, I don't think he has reached that point.

[Rainbowmum]

Hello and welcome.

He is an addict and lives for the thrill , and like all addicts he will not care if he drags you down with him.
He is in a relationship already and unfortunately it not with you.

[fadeaway18]

some people refuse to be helped, if this is the case with your partner then you cant be blamed for cutting lose, you have to put ure interests first and think ahead, where would you be in the future if this keeps up.