Invaded his privacy - found him "Cheating"

[Guy]

Hey guys and gals. Im 26 and ive a bf for a little over a year. We're both closeted. He has this young male friend for longer than our relationship and they also had a sexual relationship before we became bfs.

Long story short...-I had a "bad feeling" so i checked his phone while he left it unattended-- much to my shame...
I found out that 2.5 months ago they (he and that other guy) swapped naked pics of one another, and masturbating videos of themselves. It only happened once....so it seems. I know for a fact he didnt cheat on me physically and I have been aware that they texted now and then, since they kept being friends, but they dont speak on the phone definitely do not meet.

His privacy is really important to him, like really. I know that. so what i did is really bad as well. I knew he trusted me not to touch his phone, and he left it unattended.

I know that if i confront him itd be the end of our relationship, as he values his privacy much more than a common person. I can't decide what's worse- what he has done, or what I have done.

To be complete honest and why I am having such a great conflict- Im no angel as well- i swapped naked photoes several times but with random guys I chatted with on this app, but I never chatted more than once or twice with the same guy and went beyond chatting and sending some pics.

What hurts me the most is that he did it with someone who familiar to me (although not personally). My bf is a good guy. We love each other alot and we have a lot in common.

I am not going to tell him I checked his phone. It'd be a disaster. I can't confront him. I have to decide what I am going to do, but I'm really in a bad emotional state right now so I'd like a clear advice that will tell me what's going on in here and what are my best choices...

Does anybody have any advice for me?

Thanks...

[pellaz]

first off welcome to gayspeak. I hope you get your question(s) answered and stay on gayspeak to help others.


have you 2 had the discussion that you are a exclusive couple?

your post sounds like the former president Clinton's accounting of his sex escapades. Your both totally guilty, not a extremely bad thing but its just that way.

relationships are the communication, trust, respect thing. All of these are getting violated. I really think you guys are just friends living together and dont have a relationship. Maybe because you have to be in the closet. If my partner was super secret about his life while I was living with him i would toss him to the curb.

there are things people dont share but for a couple in a relationship this should be a very short list.

my advice is forget the past, never mention it again, your both guilty. Ask your self if you more than like this man and actually love him. You want to share your life with him. Approach him with that attitude. Give him some time to think it through but you guys have to stop keeping secrets from each other. Couples in a relationship share each other's lives. couples must be able to have joint cell phone accounts, bank and credit accounts, own property together. So put a ring on it or quit complaining.

[brituc1]

That's how I caught one of my exes. I had my suspicions so I checked his phone & sure enough he'd been swapping pics & cutesy little emails with other guys. I confronted him & he tried to make me the bad guy for checking his phone. I wasn't proud of it, but I'd rather be a little invasive and know the truth than be cheated on left & right.
It might be different for u, but for me, having my suspicions & driving myself crazy was way worse than ending the relationship. Just ask yourself what's the best solution. Any way u approach it, the result's gonna suck, but u gotta do what'll make u happiest.

[Zet]

You should tell him, I mean obviously it would upset both. But what is a relation build up on lies? If its true love that little fling shouldn't matter, although you won the guy áfterall

[Blue]

Be honest, just tell him and, tell him how you are feeling - all of it. Maybe it will end the relationship but, not if you can both handle it like adults and work through it.

I've learned the hard way that many times, working through difficult things together can bring you closer. Since it doesn't sound like this is a deal breaker for you, work through it openly and honestly.

Be it a close friend or a lover, communication is key, if you can't communicate and be honest with each other, even if that's painful, you don't have a very good relationship. Some of my closest friends are those that I've been through a few storms with, for whatever reasons. Why? because we know we can be honest with each other and, the other one is not going to run away, they are going to stand there and say "So how do we fix this?"

[Guy]

Thanks a lot for these responses guys. I'm desperate for some good advice and some other peoples' experiences.

Yes, we are monogamous and it was very clear when we established that we are no longer doing flings with other guys, and we've been monogamous for over a year.

We don't live together at all - we live in separate cities 20 mins drive away.

I love him and care about him a lot.... I really feel he loves me too.

I agree with that a relationship cannot be built on lies and has to be on trust.

I talked with him about the issue in general- I did not say I looked in his phone, but found other ways to voice my concern and feelings. He didn't come forth about that incident. I did not ask directly but pretty close (I asked whether he had sex text with that guy and swapped pics during our relationship. So he did lie - I'm pretty sure he is too ashamed to admit this thing happened without cutting proof. I got the feeling that he lied because he knew it's wrong (he said it would be wrong if it happened) and it would be a serious issue if it was revealed. Does that make sense?

He is an honest person as a whole, and I asked him directly if he would lie or deceive me, and he said with a lot of confidence

So I could either let it go at this point and say "oh well it was one text incident" since i know he hadn't been talking to that other friend for like 2 months (he said he hadn't been replying to him as well during that time)
Or I could escalate it another level and confront him with facts, but I am sure this would be devastating. He would come off as a total liar who wouldn't admit what he did wrong, he'll be angry about me looking at his phone, there would be no escape from the termination of our relationship....

I am not entirely sure what's right here. He sounds really convincing in the way he's trying to convince me that he is trustworthy and I'm worrying in vein. I feel a huge urge to tell him I know that some of the stuff he said were lies, but I can understand why he wouldn't admit - and one time sex sms might not worth a break up...

I will appreciate more advice and experience sharing if anyone had a similar thing going.

[dfiant]

You are both decieving each other. The only thing worse than deception is deception, so in effect you have a relationship built on deception and if you tell the truth the relationship may end????


Hmmmm...that's all I have to say about that.

[avidcyclistMTB]

and if you tell the truth the relationship may end????

...and if you don't tell the truth, the relationship most likely WILL end.

Face it, you are always going to be suspecting it unless you confront the issue. Who wants to live that way?

[Blue]

What others have said is true - two wrongs do not make a right - two lies do not make a truth. Lie now and, it's easier for either of you to do it again. Add a few more lies and, the relationship is over because you broke the trust too many time to repair.

Be honest now, and admit you broke the trust and, you might have a chance to save it and, work on rebuilding the trust. Sure you might fail and, it will end anyway, but at least then it ends in honesty, not amid a jumble of lies and secrets.

Either way hurts, but guessing and not knowing the truth leaves you mind free to invent all sorts of possibilities that are usually far worse than the truth - just be 100% honest and deal with what comes because of honesty rather than trying to perpetuate and compound lies.

[Rainbowmum]

Sweetie , my advice is that you tell him.
The longer you hide this the bigger the burden will be, and it will change you.

I am big on privacy , and if someone invaded mine, I would like to know.
You broke the trust rule , please do not get caught up in the web if lies , that this will become.

Own up to it .