My guy friend keeps giving me mixed signals -- need advice!!!

[aufait]

I am friends with this one guy. We started out as friends and then it eventually went to more of "friends with benefits". Therefore, we are not in a committed type of relationship, with the understanding that we can date others (girls or guys).

I would like to describe some of his behaviour patterns:

A. One night we went to this one restaurant and when we sat down he started to take a look at this one male waiter. Mind you at the time he didn't identify what his sexual orientation was. This male waiter wasn't our waiter and he kept looking at him every time he would come out. I never saw him act this way before and we have gone to many places to eat. I finally asked him why do you keep starring at the waiter? He replies, "I like his hair style -- the Tony Blow Out." I originally thought that if a guy is starring at someone as much as he was that it has to be more than the hair style. He did admit when we later discussed this later down the road that he admits the guys good looking. I think that what actually happened was that he had the hots for him and I asked him and he will indicate that he agrees, and then later he will say "No I just would like to look like him and I am jealous of him." That is the one example.

B. He talked with one girlfriend one time when I stopped up to see him. As soon as I get up there he and her have been discussing who are hot actors (with an emphasis on guys) because when the girl told me she is like we are talking about who are hot actors (and then will say not so strongly actresses). So they will go through the laptop and look them and he will come up with names and so forth. This happened with the one girl that he was interested in. I asked myself that this is making me think it sounds like he is bisexual. This was at least a couple years ago. Then, just recently the past couple days he got interested in this one girl. I come up to his place and as soon as I get there guess what the topic that they are talking about? It is the same exact behavior as before with the other girl -- they were talking about hot actors and actresses the girl said it the same way that the other girl said it only this time they were doing it on their mobile phones. So this is another behavior pattern.

C. When he has had other girls live with him he always winds up asking me if I want to move in with him and I always decline because I want to be a a steady environment and not have to move so much. So he winds up asking this other guy friend to move in which I have my suspicions that they have messed around before. He would never be honest about it. But, any way what he will do is have the girl move in and then he will have his guy friend move in. They will get along for a short period of time, but he will wind up having a fight with the girl because he wants to do his own thing. One time while all three were there (his gf, he, and his guy friend) I was asked to come over and watch a movie, and he started treating his girlfriend like crap. He went on the couch where his guy friend was and they were sitting close together and he was going to sleep on the couch with him and this made me feel uncomfortable too. His girlfriend was upset and I wound up leaving. We were both upset about the situation. And when he is with his guy friend what will wind up happening is that he will make a plan to get rid of the girlfriend and make them move out and as soon as they do he will have it so that just the guy is living with him.

This has happened on two different occasions. When he had it done the last time, there were two different rooms and he wound up having his guy friend bring his bed into the same room. He would then go on for a month about gay topics every time I would stop up. I wasn't bothered by the topic necessarily but he kept talking about it. He seemed to phased by my reaction and wanted to know how I felt. This behaviour has happened repeatedly.

D. When he talks with these girls that he has been involved with he will always ask them the same question about their ex-boyfriends and he did this with the girl that he was talking with the other day. He asks the girl how big is such and such? It puts the girl in an awkward situation, but more importantly, I don't know too many guys that would ask this question from a girl especially about an ex. I know that us guys do compare sizes and stuff with our friends from time to time but to ask a girl such a sensitive question seems kind of strange. What are your thoughts?

The reason why I am writing all of this is that I have come to think that my friend is more into guys than girls. He has had sex with this one girl and he has admitted in front of her, me, and the other guy friend that he lived with that he is bisexual. He said that the reason why he likes this one girl is because he likes to do threesomes and that she is just like "one of the boys". He doesn't think she is pretty. He has asked me what my opinions and feelings are on this subject. So he wants to know but when I ask him questions as he is trying to discover himself he will change his answers like the wind.

He now is crazy about this one girl that he says is just like "one of the boys". She has a kid, and recently was married. It only lasted a few months and now he is with this girl and always talks about her. And this isn't a behaviour pattern that has just happened it has been going on for almost 5 years so it isn't like he is new to all of this and stuff.

He has gone to gay bars before with other friends a few years back. When I enquired about it he said that it isn't technically a gay bar. It is a gay bar and it sounds like he doesn't like to admit that part.

I need advice on all of this. I am his friend and all but he asks me what I think about all of this and if this was the first initial stages on this behaviour I would say that he must be bi-curious or not sure of his sexuality. He will say I am bisexual but then say I don't want to do anything with guys. Then he will say that if he were to do something with a guy he would bring them back to his place. Later, he will say that I am not into doing stuff with guys. Then later he will contradict himself and say I am open when it comes to my sexuality. What do you think it sounds like when it comes to his sexual orientation?

I need advice as to how I should interpret his conversations with me. Is he my friend and if so why would he keep contradicting himself so much to me when I tell him honestly about me? Is there any way that I can make him feel more comfortable as I tell him just to be himself. Are there signs that you read in this thread that pin point a certain conclusion?

Any other comments and feedback would be welcomed.

[pellaz]

first off welcome to gayspeak

all good, long read.
sexuality is more three dimensional than Kinsey intended and it could be some what fluid. If your comfortable being the third one out fine. If you want a monotonous gay BF drop your romance efforts on your friend.

[Rainbowmum]

I would say he is struggling with his sexuality , and keeps living the lie that he may be straight.
I find it really disgusting the way he treats people especially women.

I have no doubt that he wants you to join in on these threesomes , but beware that he might turn on you.

I see him as a manipulator and that is never an attractive trait to own.
Take with this one.

[seeking]

I feel like he is just gay and use the girls to pretend he is not.
Yet if it's true then his behavior is not admired, he uses people as if they're his possessions.

[aufait]

I do agree with the last poster that to me he secretly is gay but uses girls as a safeguard to hide who and what he really is. The thing that he will say is that he will only do gay things with me and that if he didn't do things with me any longer that it would end.

However, I will ask him would you do something with another guy and he will say no I don't look at guys the same way you do. But, he will also say when finishing that if he were to do something with another guy that he would bring them back to his place. This is contradictory for someone who wants to keep things on the DL and not to have anyone find out about it. Why would you want to bring a guy to your place if you wanted to keep things secret and no one to find out? Especially if the guy knew where you lived and all it would open up a can of worms and the person could show up when least expected and it could only give the potential likelihood to make it revealed.

Also while he was living with the one guy and the girl left the guy friend of his wound up moving his bed into his room even though there were two rooms so they could both have their own room. He asked me if anything made things suspicious. I said if you are asking me I will tell you and he did. I said the fact that when people come over and they see two guy friends with beds in the same room that some might find that awkward when you have two rooms. After I had mentioned it the next time I came to visit the beds had been changed so that one was in each room.

Additionally, he would talk about gay stuff for almost an entire month and give scenarios and all kinds of things like that. He would also be fooling around with his guy friend and acting gay. This was during the time that both beds were in the same room. When he asked about my take on things I told him that it seems different that you had the girl move out and about the bed situation, and that you all of a sudden are bringing up gay stuff all the time and people would probably interpret that you could be gay. Not long after I mentioned it, he called the girl that he was with, had the beds changed, and he had her over all the time, and stopped acting gay. (His behaviour happened is he had lived with two different girls -- they stay for a short period of time and then he will want to get rid of them because they nag him and he doesn't like it -- thus the change from being with a girl, him, and his guy friend to just him and his guy friend).

I don't mean to be so long, but he says that he will never do this or that but he seems to revert to the same behaviour patterns as in my original post. The girl that he wants to be with has a baby, and she has done threesomes before (with him, her, and one of his guy friends). He has mentioned to her in front of me that he is bisexual. The other thing that was strange is while she and he were talking about hot actors in front of me, out of no where she made the comment about some guys get married and the guy is gay. There was no prior conversation about the topic or anything that would lead into the conversation. It was as if it was just she said it and I was asking myself why she would randomly say something like that without any type of transition into the conversation?

This is what I am struggling with. If he is really gay or at least lets say he is into guys more than he admits, which seems to be more than evident. How does he control his urge to do something with other guys? He is with me the majority of times, and if he cheats on girls as much as he does, what makes it so he wouldn't with other guys? He says the reason is because he doesn't have the urge to look at guys like I do, only that he would like to look like them. If this was the case, why did he look at the male waiter like he did, and he goes back and forth?

I am looking for some feedback. He does admit that the girl that he is looking to hook up with that had the baby that it is safe and that he normally would go for some girl that is a really attractive looking girl. My final question is if he is why would he go through all the trouble to be with a girl that has a kid and isn't that attractive if he didn't have some major purpose for it? It sounds to me as though he wants to be with this girl because she is open-minded and he can do whatever he wants, and he can have threesomes with her with him, her and another guy without her causing any issues.

I know that I need to start preparing to do something else to find someone who really truly loves me and wants to have a genuine relationship. The struggle that I have is that he will ask me for my feedback and want me to answer questions when it pertains to him and all of this subject but he changes his answers and it is hard to gauge where he is at when he doesn't just tell me how he really feels and won't be himself. Any feedback would be welcomed. Also I wonder why he puts me through all of this and question whether he really is a friend as most friends would admit who and what they are. I do with him and don't have so many contradictions. Thanks

[pellaz]

i got to laugh at you guys, you see gay as so black/white, that is there are those and there is ME.

Actually I see things this way too! I think its a good thing (black / white) just not into molding others into my thinking. Dont be the lazy gay, get out there and find that big gay BF who knows how to love you.

sexuality is more three dimensional than what Kinsey defined it back in the late 1940's.

[princealbertofb]

Pellaz, as I mentioned before, it may also be because attitudes have changed greatly since the 50s...

[princealbertofb]

AuFait, your post is very long and I haven't read it yet but let me just you to GaySpeak, since you are a new member. Hope you find here what you came to look for. Take care.

[princealbertofb]

I can't make much sense of the situation, AuFait, but it could either be your position, ie a man who is not altogether comfortable with admitting he's gay, or, on the contrary, someone who is so aware of the slippery, sliding and shifting nature of sexuality that he's quite comfortable putting out all kinds of signals. He doesn't seem to feel it necessary to define himself as this or that, and is quite happy to do what he enjoys with whomever (girl or boy).

However, he's not very consistent, it appears, and it seems to be annoying you greatly. The question is: Why do you find this lack of a definite stance irritating, intriguing or threatening? What's in it for you if you finally manage to decide (if HE finally manages to decide) what his sexual orientation is? What are your motivations in "opening his eyes" to reality?

We understand that your opinion is that he's living a lie and being untrue to himself. Do you think he would benefit from being able to admit that he is in fact gay? Is your interest in him such that you'd like to sense him a bit happier with who he really is?

As you are probably aware, a person is only ready to come out when they are comfortable enough with the idea that they are interested in the same sex, romantically and physically. Maybe he's just not ripe (or mature) enough yet... each person evolves romantically, spiritually, mentally and physically in different ways and at different speeds, so I don't find his attitude particularly strange, just slightly immature, probably.

That's all I can think of, for the moment. But since this seems to worry you, have you tried to have a good heart to heart with him? You sound close enough to air your views to him, aren't you? A good talk should enable you to clear the air.

[aufait]

I tried to have a good talk with him as the previous poster had indicated. During the almost 5 years that I have known him he has always been going back and forth when it comes to his sexual orientation.

While we were talking he said that he isn't bisexual and not gay. He said that it is gross and he doesn't understand why I like men more than women. He said once you have been with a girl it is like driving a porsche versus a regular car. He said that doing stuff with guys up the you know what is like the regular car, and doing stuff with girls in their you know what is like a porsche because it is wet and moist. I told him that I am no longer going to talk with him about the subject because it is a waste of time.

He said that he does stuff with me because he cares about me and respects me. He said that he would never do anything with another guy if I was no longer in the picture. He then stated I want to ask you something not saying anything but if I did bring a guy home and mess around with him how would you be? I said that I would rather you be honest about it and that I would appreciate your honestly more than the part of getting upset about it. He said that he doubted that I would be so cool about it and he just laughed at it.

This is what gets me just like with the previous part. He says that he isn't into guys but then proceeds to ask me how I would be if he did something with another guy but will always say not saying anything. He says that as I have previously stated that he isn't into guys but then like one time he will say I'm not into guys but if I wanted to pick up someone like a Justin Timberlake I could. He adds on to it.

He said the reason why he said that he was bisexual in the past is because he wanted me to feel more comfortable. What is that all about? He has even stated in front of the girl that I previously talked about that he's bisexual so why would he state that if in fact it weren't true?

I could go on and on with this but here's my real issue. I have been totally honest with him about me and my personal info and who I am. He obviously will always be this way no matter what and continue to operate this way. My question is would you consider him a friend someone who isn't honest with you and keeps doing this over and over again? Do you think he honestly cares for me? I am so upset with this whole situation and would like to know what you would do if you were in the same situation? Thank you.