Invaded his privacy - found him "Cheating"

[Kiid]

only people with things to hide try to hide them O.o

[Dreamer]

You will always find what your looking for if you search hard enough.

So happened it was sexting imagery between him and another guy.

More than likely, they are banging each other, especially, since they have a past together.

If you look hard enough, you'll probably find evidence of that too.

That's the sweet fruit labored from suspicion.

If you're guilty of the same crimes, you place a double standard on this entire scenario.

Complete monogamy doesn't seem to fit the description from either of you, so you can either live with it, or move on to the next.

Good luck!

[Aeneas]

im late to this party, but here are my two cents:

it happened over 2 months ago - and as far as you know nothing went physical. if he is leaving his phone around as you say its not because he trusts you - its because he feels he has nothing to hide.

be weary when he starts hiding his phone or being overly protective of it - that would mean he is constantly at it.

i would let this one pass, especially if he has shown regret and made efforts to regain your trust.

[princealbertofb]

I'd say that there are two aspects to his leaving his phone lying around.... One, he trusts you never to touch it and respect his privacy, but then if he leaves it lying around there is always the risk that it'll be a temptation for someone to have a look. If he really wants to keep his affairs (on his phone) and other places secret, then he should not leave it lying around and hold on to it as if his life depended on it; It's like people who are careless with their Internet history. Unless they are really poor at IT, there's no excuse for not hiding stuff that you don't want others to see.
The other aspect is that you can learn to forgive yourself for this faux-pas and at the same time recognise that you were not supposed to know about this, so you can pretend you don't know. You're the only one who knows that your boyfriend could, might, may be having flings on the side with someone he dated before. Maybe it's just a souvenir.. How old is this video? Did he forget to erase it and it's older than your relationship (which is still quite fresh and new, right?)?
What I would really question is why you went snooping on his telephone. What made you do it? Was it just curiosity, or was it an inkling that there was something there to be discovered?
Also what made your boyfriend leave his phone like that, open to all kinds of temptations. He ought to consider himself lucky that his secret is well kept with you. Imagine that his phone had fallen into the hands of an enemy or a thief? How would he feel about that?
I think people who leave things lying around are, in the end, trying to leave clues, or traces to be found. Maybe they are counting on the guilt of the finder to work to their advantage. It might be better if you were both out of that darned closet, don't you think?

[princealbertofb]

Guy, now I think of it, this reminds me of something that my uncle had to go through. My uncle had a son from his first marriage. When he got married the second time, his second wife did not like her stepson and didn't want to have anything to do with him. I feel my cousin felt quite rejected by this new woman in his father's life. As for my uncle, he had to see his son on the sly, without telling his wife, who could get jealous of him. To me this is silly. Any person coming into another person's life has to accept the baggage they come with, otherwise they might as well not have the relationship.

I can see a parallel with your situation. See your boyfriend as my uncle having to choose between his son (his ex) and pleasing his new wife (you). It's just not reasonable to request that a man forgets about his past, and especially relationships that have meant something to him. Even if there is no longer a live-together sort of relationship, there will always be a shared past with that person. It was very immature and unreasonable for my 'new' aunt to expect my uncle not to see his son from time to time. What I know though, is that he had to see my cousin on the sly, and would lie to his new wife, or just not mention it to her (lying by omission). I don't know how long this had to go on but I know that that was the only solution my uncle could come up with.

Ok the relationship with his son was nothing sexual, of course, but I think you are more worried about the emotional connections than the physical ones, in this particular case.

Would it not be simpler and more mature to have a new talk with your partner and tell him that you realise he can't cut off part of himself, by cutting off his past connections to his ex? Give him free range to write to him, text him, phone him if necessary. They are no longer together, you are with him now, there must be a reason for all this; it didn't just happen, did it? Invite the ex to your home and show ex how your relationship with your boyfriend is a good one, one that is alive and kicking. They always say you should keep your enemies closer to you than your friends, so maybe there is some truth in that. It doesn't mean you have to invite ex into your bed (unless you want a threesome ). Isn't ex with someone new too, now?

My partner was once married. I know there is no danger of him ever connecting with his wife on a sexual level, and even if he did, I'd think it didn't matter. I can't control my partner's body, his mind or his heart. I've got to trust that he'll make the best use of it and have a good idea of what our relationship means to both of us. I'd hate for him to have to lie to me about seeing her, for instance.

You just have to believe in the fact that what the two of you have got now is better, and there seems to have been ample proof in your messages that that is how you've seen things so far between the two of you. Don't let this nagging doubt spoil the fun for you. One day, maybe, you'll get the answer you're looking for. I hope that day, you'll have forgiven or forgotten.

[Guy]

Thanks a lot for all the feedback guys I appreciate it a lot... Prince what you're saying makes a lot of sense.

I did talk to my bf about it eventually, as I just couldn't bare the feeling knowing this. I apologized of course for looking through his phone. He said he's kind of relieved I saw it because he was feeling really uncomfortable with it. He kept saying how this dude means nothing to him and it all happened because that other guy started sending him nudies so he sent back at some point. Something he's been consistent about throughout our relationship is that that other guy doesn't mean anything to him but rather it's kind of their past friendship that's keeping interest and how they have some experiences like that other guys' parents divorcing and stuff like that.
He apologized and said he knows it was a wrong thing to do, and that guy also tried to get him to meet him but he refused....he stopped being in touch with him because it didn't feel right to him that this guy didn't respect that we were in a relationship.

Why did I look... well, I guess it's because I like to be in control I guess. I know this ex of his is someone that can't keep a boyfriend for more than few weeks, and I know he's a tease. I know they kept in touch through texting and stuff.... I guess anyone would be suspicious in that situation. I didn't want something to go behind my back.

I'll be painfully honest....my bf told me that what they did swapping pics etc. it's not something they did in the past before our relationship, and so he didn't give it any special meaning. He said he knows it's wrong and he apologized and he said he's feeling bad for it, but he said I shouldn't take it too seriously because there's not much to it. He said he didn't even answer that other guys' phone calls for some months....he also said that besides he trusts me not spying on his phone, he leaves it unattended because he in fact has nothing to hide and that although he felt really uncomfortable with what happened it has no meaning therefore he didn't feel the need to go the extra mile to hide it or something and he's feeling better that I talked about it. He also said that he didn't tell me it happened because it has no meaning and he didn't want me to freak out about nothing.

If something like that happened, don't I have the right to know? But on the other hand, would I or anyone else would tell our partner if something like that happened?

I told him that I don't want a relationship of secrets and hiding... I want the real deal. I don't really like to go into relationships because I get really emotional and I can get really hurt sadly, unlike in random sex where it is just so much easier for me to reject other people. Either he'd be my boyfriend in a relationship or he doesn't... I did set the lines and I did give him my trust when I never really told him to cut off his relationship with that other guy.
I mean, I don't wanna have a feeling I need to look at his phone to know if he's doing something behind my back! If he wanna do something that is not allowed and not right, I told him he should ask me before or we might as well not be in a monogamous relationship. I mean otherwise what's the point? he agreed.
He did leave his phone unattended after that incident again. He even asked me to set his alarm clock a few days ago when he fell asleep. Of course I didn't look in his phone other than setting the alarm clock...

I don't know. I'm still a confused. I must say my feelings for him have weakened a little. I even dreamt about breaking up with him a few times...
I have keen senses (so I think) and I absolutely don't think he cheated on me physically especially since I know where's he's at almost 24/7, but I still feel that my trust has been betrayed and it's turning me off. I hate that feeling like I'm some fucking victim... seriously. It's really hurting my ego.
So I don't know. We've been together like 14 months now. I do have feelings for him, but I'm so disappointed this happened....it feels like our relationship is tainted you know? but I feel I might be overreacting because it's not such a big deal maybe?

I just hate that feeling that I wonder if something happens behind my back. I mean, I put full trust in him before it happened and I was a little blindsided...I'd hate to bring that discussion up again because it brings so much negative energy, you know?

He's been really nice recently, buying me stuff and trying to make up for it....but I feel more disconnected to him than ever...I'm usually very affectionate and loving, and I feel I'm giving much less than I usually do.

I guess I should just let time do it's part and see where my feelings are going...it's not gonna be easy either way. :\