Asked for be Godfather of my brothers son

[KJ1989]

Hi everyone! haven't posted here in a while but in a bit of a dilemma.

About a year ago I told my parents I was gay, it was mixed etc, and I told them i want to tell my brothers soon because one of my brothers had 2 kids at the time and I think he had a right to know even if to determine whether or not he wanted me around them. We agreed not to, because there is no way my grandmother can find out.

Anyway a year on, my brother has a new son and he just asked me to be godfather. Few dilemmas here.

1) He is Roman Catholic along with everyone else in the family. The church is quite clear on gay people.

2) I'm not religious at all and wouldn't consider myself a member of the church or agree with all of its teachings.

3) I'm guessing everyone is expecting me to be the godfather, so this could potentially end up being everyone finding out I'm gay. Which I'm fine with really, it's more my grandmother, I've been her little boy since I was born, always been her favourite (pisses a lot of the extended family off) and I know she isn't exactly approving of homosexuality. My mum asked not to let her find out.

Any advice :-(

[dfiant]

What do YOU want?

That is the question you should be asking. As much as you love your mum and your grandmother, you are not living your life for THEM.

Grow a pair and make decisions based on what YOU want.

[LateBloomer]

Hi everyone! haven't posted here in a while but in a bit of a dilemma.

About a year ago I told my parents I was gay, it was mixed etc, and I told them i want to tell my brothers soon because one of my brothers had 2 kids at the time and I think he had a right to know even if to determine whether or not he wanted me around them. We agreed not to, because there is no way my grandmother can find out.

Anyway a year on, my brother has a new son and he just asked me to be godfather. Few dilemmas here.

1) He is Roman Catholic along with everyone else in the family. The church is quite clear on gay people.

2) I'm not religious at all and wouldn't consider myself a member of the church or agree with all of its teachings.

3) I'm guessing everyone is expecting me to be the godfather, so this could potentially end up being everyone finding out I'm gay. Which I'm fine with really, it's more my grandmother, I've been her little boy since I was born, always been her favourite (pisses a lot of the extended family off) and I know she isn't exactly approving of homosexuality. My mum asked not to let her find out.

Any advice :-(

Hmm.

I'm Catholic, gay, unmarried and godfather to my best friends daughter.

Slightly different circumstances for me.

I was closeted at the time and my best friend is Lutheran (from N. Europe). The Lutherans are, shall we say, not as strict as Catholics. That's why they permitted myself and another good (female) friend to be the godparents of our friends' daughter.

To be honest, the Church, in your case, will probably disapprove. After all, the godparent has TWO responsibilities:

1) To be a surrogate parent in case something bad happens to the original parents.
2) Participate in the religious upbringing of the child.

Since you already admit you don't really consider yourself a member of the Church you have a problem (forget that you're gay and single). You need to be a Catholic (unlike the Lutherans who are admittedly a little more accommodating).

Separate from the "political" issue of your membership is the issue of what's best for the child. Certainly, there could be a "ceremonial" godparent who participates in the actual baptism of the child. But you could play a more "significant" role in the day to day upbringing of the child, not just as uncle, but more like "honorary" godparent.

All of this is not meant to disrespect the tradition and sanctity of Catholic baptism, but sometimes we have to find practical solutions to complicated real life problems. And let's be honest, sometimes the Church is slow to be practical in real life.

If you can't find it in your heart to be a practicing member of the Church, then be honest with your brother about THAT particular hesitation but DO let him know you wish to be closely involved with the upbringing of your nephew and you want to participate in THAT experience.

I hope it works out for you.
Good luck.

[KJ1989]

Yeh I mean, I am planning to make it clear to him I will be there to help, that I'm not going to care any less because I'm not the godfather.

I suppose to make some other stuff a bit clear, my brother wouldn't be very catholic at all, the way things are now, it is just expected that this be done so I'm guessing my argument that I really am not catholic isn't going to be enough.

I'm trying to figure out if I'm going to have to go as far as tell them, also I really can't as I'm gay. Dfiant I can respect your opinion, but when your grandmother raised you for the most part, collected you from school every day, and you are quite literally a star in her eyes that can do no wrong, it's trying to figure whether or not to leave well enough alone. Finding out could destroy her, that's why I'm so hesitant around my family knowing.

[rover330]

I'm not quite sure how being gay is doing "wrong". Just be yourself. You speak of being gay as if, well, it would be one thing if I was an axe murderer, she could handle that, but GAY.... My God! that would be a deal breaker.

If she loves you, it will not be a problem. Christ.

[dfiant]

Finding out could destroy her

So her hatred of gays and her grandson being gay would destroy her? BUT she has another option...Accept what is and what can't be changed. Being 'old' is no excuse for being ignorant and unaccepting.

and you are quite literally a star in her eyes that can do no wrong

So being gay is wrong? I wish someone told me that 30 years ago when I CHOSE to be gay...no turning back now hey?

honesty is the world, fakeness and lies leads to fakeness and lies and being caught with your pants down and being hated for not being honest.

[Rainbowmum]

Sweetie do what ever is comfortable for you.

Being a God Parent is a huge responsibility , you are taking an oath to bring them up in the Christian faith and continue their relationship with God.

Think hard on this one.

[LateBloomer]

Aw, come on guys.

Have some heart, will you?

This guy is in the midst of a personal dilemma and needs some support and encouragement.

Babe, you have TWO problems here, but there is only ONE solution.

Problems:
1) Negotiating the role you'll play in your nephew's life.
2) Coming out to your grandmother.

Solution:
1) Just be honest with everyone

Coming out to your grandmother will be the MOST DIFFICULT thing you ever do, but once it's done you will feel that burden lifted from your shoulders.

Your grandmother, almost positively, does NOT HATE gays.

She LOVES YOU. But when you come out your grandmother may actually MOURN the death of who she THOUGHT her grandson was. That's not hate. That's a loss. But over time she'll come to realize you're not REALLY DEAD. You're still alive and still the wonderful grandson she's always known. She will be relieved and love you as always.

Give her some credit. She's been around a LONG time and has seen a LOT of stuff. She's tougher than you think, and guess what? She might even already suspect you're gay.

Grandmas are pretty smart too.
Keep us posted.

[frvrdnld]

everything will work out no matter which route you chose. However, they are not choosing you to be the godfather because they think you are heterosexual. they are choosing you because you are you. Gay or not, you are who you always have been.

[2345434]

If your brother, grandmother or whoever else has a problem with your being gay then, frankly, they're bigots who you should do nothing to appease anyway. There's nothing wrong with being gay and if your grandmother or brother decide to shun you for it then that's their problem - don't let fear of how they might react force you to live in shame.