I'm getting drowned in this life.

[Adaptive]

Hi,

It took me a while to make up my mind for this. I've been around this forums a few times, read some posts, and felt like I need someone to be there for me, someone to hear me out and tell me what to do because I am starting to hate my life, let us begin.

I'm 20 years old from Kuwait. I was born in a religious family ( All families are religious here) and I have a very caring family that are very connected and close to each other. I grew up with my mom and three sisters, dad and mom got divorced. I love my family and my sisters raised me to be a good person, taught me whats right and whats wrong. My family is with everything and is too open-minded in comparison to other families in Kuwait, but theres this obvious thing that is bothering me. They hate gays, because they are all muslim and islam is a religion that says KILL THE FAGS!, literally, it says that. Imagine yourself born in a life controlled by a religion that orders to kill you, it does sound awful I know, but i don't feel so bad as i'm used to it, so my sisters are married and they have sons/daughters, which makes me an uncle. I love my family and they love me, but they know nothing about what I truly want to be. I live a life full of lies. I have straight friends that like me, and I like them, but the part is that I have to lie and I have to adapt in order to survive.

Two years ago, I met a guy that was with me in highschool. He told me he was bisexual and it made me feel sort of more comfortable talking to him (He trusted me too much as we were sort of good friends back then in school). I was so desperate so I came out to him. He was very cool about it and he kept everything I told him a secret. He was there for me whenever I needed him (Always texting, we see eachother irl but its mostly greetings, i'll explain why further on) He helped me so much for only listening to what i say as it made me throw a great burden that was buried deep in my heart. His very very big problem was that he used to hit on me continuously. He was extremely ugly from the looks, but not the personality. I couldn't help it as I don't want to sound rude, but i'd rather sleep with a girl than even kiss him, that's the least i can say about his looks. Looks play a great part, and tragically he just doesn't own even an average look. He kept asking me out and I couldn't help it i had to refuse because I cant stand being in a relationship with someone that can't even stay with me longer because he is socially awkward, but somehow really nice when texting. A few months passed, and I met one of my cousins that I haven't met in about five years. He was this very adorable chubby man (one year older than me). He was one of the nicest people I had met. We became best friends and he taught me a lot. One of the days we were in his dark room, he told me hey can i ask you something? I said ok..., he said promise you'll be honest, then i said I promise. He said, are you gay? I panic'd. I remained silent for 30 seconds don't know what to say because I trusted him too much and I was afraid he would hate me if i was (because the majority of the population hates gays), so I told him if i remain silent that means yes, and i did remain silent, so he understood. Then he asked me, do you feel better now? I said no. I was afraid, super afraid, not knowing what to do. Then he said im okay with that man, dont be afraid. I felt so much better when he said that, and longstory short, he taught me how to accept myself and he was this one fucking amazing cousin that literally help me with everything, but our personalities did not really match, he was being very controlling, and he always found his statements correct because he thinks that logic = success, so we had this huge argument and this very big problem with him was that he used to tell me im a hypocrite, i'm a lier, i don't mean my words, yet he never understood what I truly meant behind the words i used. He never allowed me to explain myself completely and he was a disaster. So i cut my relationship with him for a year, and he called me in a random day apologizing for all he did, and I was feeling desperate again, so i forgive him and we got back together as friends. Months pass, and the same issue comes up. You can't argue with a person that is 99% of the time right, that was basically our every single argument. One day i woke up and I realized that everything I'm doing is gonna get me nowhere, I had to take an action, so i asked him that i'm not gonna see him for seven days as i'll be busy. 8 days passed and he sends me a message "8 days pass and you don't text me, be this fucking person we're done" and guess what? Like an idiot i go for him home to explain my situation so he forgives me. He was controlling my life, and I never truly understood that until the relationship reached a part where literally 1 word getting out of my mouth would get him mad and make me stay for 3 hours silent waiting for his forgiveness. I didn't have the guts, i was afraid of cutting relationship with the only person that accepted me that is not socially awkward. We stopped talking for about a month now and i'm over him. This time i promise i won't get back to him, now let me get to this recent issue i'm facing.

Having no sex is hard, i see muscular and hot sexy men daily that stare back at me, and I can't tell them how i feel because man sexual relationship is forbidden to the extreme, so there was this guy that was with me in school, his name was Joseph. Hes this one fucking sexy muscular man that gets me super horny everytime I look at him. I've always heard rumors of him in school that he fucks boys, and no one could say a word to him because he was the most masculine and strongest man in the school, he was that badass boy, so one of my friends gave him my Phone number, and he started sending me whatsapp messages. At first, i was sort of afraid of him because Its truly hard to trust someone, but we're texting eachother for about a year now, and he is the sweetest man ever. He is so nice to me and hes always honest to me about everything and he has a thing for me as he literally said that I look cute. I never really showed him that I'm into him until recently (indirectly). I really want to be with someone like him, but i'm afraid its the desperation that is guiding me towards him, or its that he just wants to fuck me and thats it. I am hopeless. I am broken, I don't know what to do.

Your advice will be highly appreciated!

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Wow.

Thats a lot of emotion to keep bottled up and not be able to share it. Welcome to the forum, you've come to the right place for advice.

Im not sure of we have anyone from Kuwait in the forum, but I do know we have some Muslim members who can at least offer you some advice from within a similar society that you live in today.

The relationship with your cousin was a tough one, and I can understand why you struggled to break free, from the fear of what he may say or do. You also did the right thing to end it as he was clearly more interested in controlling you for his own reasons more than anything.

You're still quite young, so I assume your still dependant on your family to support you financially?

Have you thought about looking to go overseas to study for a few years? Its pretty common for people your age, and from your society to study in a western university, either in the UK or USA. Your clearly very well educated as your command of the written English language is better than some English people I know
Would that be an option you could explore? That way you can live your life independent of the family and the restrictions of living within a society that doesn't understand what being gay means. But at the same time remain part of the family with them having no idea of your social status outside of the country.

I'm sure others will be along shortly to give you more advice. There is also a pretty good search facility on the forum, so you could look for similar older posts and see if those help you in any way.

Good Luck and welcome to the forum!

ObW
x

[Blue]

I can empathize. I was raised in a very religious, very anti gay home myself. It is hard to come out and, to accept yourself in such an environment.

As for the guy you have been texting, if it's been a year and he hasn't ran, I'd say he is interested in either just friends, or more than a one time hook up. Those wanting just a hook up don't talk for a year first, usually not even a week. All you can do is ask him where you are with him and accept whatever he says.

[Adaptive]

Wow.


The relationship with your "Cousin" was a tough one

You're still quite young, so I assume your still dependant on your family to support you financially?

Have you thought about looking to go overseas to study for a few years? Its pretty common for people your age, and from your society to study in a western university, either in the UK or USA. Your clearly very well educated as your command of the written English language is better than some English people I know
Would that be an option you could explore? That way you can live your life independent of the family and the restrictions of living within a society that doesn't understand what being gay means. But at the same time remain part of the family with them having no idea of your social status outside of the country.

I'm sure others will be along shortly to give you more advice. There is also a pretty good search facility on the forum, so you could look for similar older posts and see if those help you in any way.

Good Luck and welcome to the forum!

ObW
x

Thank you so much for the kind words there it made me feel much better!

[Adaptive]

I can empathize. I was raised in a very religious, very anti gay home myself. It is hard to come out and, to accept yourself in such an environment.

As for the guy you have been texting, if it's been a year and he hasn't ran, I'd say he is interested in either just friends, or more than a one time hook up. Those wanting just a hook up don't talk for a year first, usually not even a week. All you can do is ask him where you are with him and accept whatever he says.

I'll try to be more honest with him, i'm extremely sure hes into me and he wants to hang out with me.

[fenris]

Hi and Welcome :-)

We have a few members with an muslim background here... I think they can help you and can give you a better advice as someone with a christian or other religious background can ( just because there is a better religious understanding and a better knowledge of the religious problems ) For me as a EU-Citizen it is hard to understand that in many muslim-countrys are such laws....
What I want to say is ... stay cool ..don´t panic and don´t rush anything and be careful ... don´t talk to people about your gay life if you can not trust them.
Spend your holidays in countrys where you can recover from the problems a gay life in a muslim country brings. Friends in this countrys can be a good thing...

[Rainbowmum]

Hi Adaptive ,
First let me say
Living where you are must be terrifying for you.

Whatever you do , do not act on impulse and put yourself in danger.
If you like this man you have been texting for the last year , find out more about him, meet for coffee, ask him if he is just after a one night stand or not.

I think it would be better to ask him in person ,rather than leave it in text.

[pellaz]

... you can't argue with a person that is 99% of the time right, that was basically our every single argument. One day i woke up and I realized that everything I'm doing is gonna get me nowhere, I had to take an action, so i asked him that i'm not gonna see him for seven days ...

if he is 99% correct just submit.

we are not the ten percent they lead us to believe. The Kinsey Reports done in the late 1940's over estimated. We are a tiny minority. More like 3-5% of the population so be careful who you meet, small chance they are gay.

[MisterTinkles]

Hello! Well, this is your living hell. We've all had our living hell's we have had to go through, some worse than others.

Regardless of religion, you need to be careful of who you talk to, and more importantly who you text or email!! If you say something personal to someone, or you bring them into your private life (as you did with the cousin), then you need to be CERTAIN you never say anything in texting, emailing, or on paper that can be constrewed as you liking men. Anything of a personal nature always needs to be said in person, and not around other people. This is part of protecting yourself.

As for this hunky guy, I would be careful. Im not saying he is bad or has his own agenda concerning you, you just need to be careful. I would not trust anyone, unless you really feel comfortable with them.

As for your hormones, I would suggest that you learn meditation. There are many kinds of meditation, you will have to find the right one for you. This can help you keep control of your hormones, without them controling you. Letting your hormones run your emotions can very easily get you into trouble. You have to learn to control your body and your emotions. This too, is also a self protective device.

I know it would be difficult to leave your family, but if you can leave for a good reason, and go to another country for a job or school, or even to live, you will be a lot better off. But remember, if you do leave for whatever reason, and you become freer with your personal life, this will make it difficult for you to go back home.

Along with learning meditation, you need to become aware of what consequences can happen for every word you speak and every action you take.

If you do decide to leave your country for another one, make sure your family knows they may not see you in person again unless they come visit you, where ever you end up living.

There are a lot of risks involved in fleeing from such a society, you have to do a lot of meditation and contemplation on what will be good for you, today and in the long run.

I know thats not a lot of positive wisdom, but Im a realist and I see and speak what is real.

You might researching organizations you can join, where you can travel the world. That way you can get out of the country, see some places, decide if its something you want to do or not.

Not a lot of help Im sure, but thats what I think.

Good Luck

[Counselor]

Welcome to the forum!

I'll try to be more honest with him, i'm extremely sure hes into me and he wants to hang out with me.

You haven't even hung out with him yet? At least start there, make a friend!