My first Love
12-03-2012, 04:07 PM
It was summer 1996, I was a sophomore at that time. I had just become really close to my best friend at that time. We did every thing together and spend so much time together. At night we would go hang out with couple of friends; he always asked me to come to his house and wait for him before we go. We spend almost every single hour of each day together. At first I didn't have any feelings for him but the first time that I noticed that I had feelings for him was when we were at one of our friends house and he lay on top of me and whispered to my ear "Do you remember when we...", off course it was a joke cause we had never done anything, and our friends were right there laughing at us. I replied "oh, yes I do." Then all of a sudden I felt kind of weird, like I wanted him to stay on top of me and I wanted to hold him tight. Then he stood up and we laughed. Other night we went on the beach and I had some alcohol that I my friend had given to me earlier that day. The moon was full and there was a little bit of cold breeze. I've never drank before that, so after a few sips I felt so happy for some reason. I sang loudly to song that went like "You're my bread when I'm hungry, you're my shelter from the trouble wind", something like that, and I stretched my arms to the bright full moon as if I was hugging the moon. After that, we went to my friend's house and we slept at what we call a summer house. In the middle of the night I felt my arm kind of numb; I looked over and saw that my friend was sleeping on it. My heart started beating really fast, I felt like I wanted to puke or something not in disgust but it felt like my heart was coming up my throat or something. I could smell my friends deodorant and it smelled so good. I could see that he had no shirt on. Still feeling a bit of buzz from the alcohol, I just could resist the temptation to touch and rub his chest up and down feeling every muscle on his abs and feeling his nipples, then down into his pants. I could feel he was aroused but his eyes were still closed. Then he turned and sat up and he said something about being cold and I told him to cover himself with a blanket which he did. I stayed sitting up thinking, oh my god what have I done. I was so ashamed of myself that I left him that night and went home. For rest of the summer days, I avoided him.
He was a year younger than me but we saw each other everyday at school and off the school cause he lived near by. I avoided him as much as I could. Every time I saw him I felt so much shame and hatred toward myself. There were times when I saw him pass by and all I could say was hi and bye. One after school he saw me right before his basketball practice and gave me his shirt and asked me if I could hold on to it. I was on my way home so I took his shirt and wondered why would he give me his shirt. Why not put it in his bag? After his basketball practice he came to my house and I have him his shirt and still I had nothing to say to him. I made him so uncomfortable that we didn't keep a long conversation and he left.
For the rest of my high school years I avoided him and we grew further apart. I regret avoiding him and wonder what could've have gone differently if I hadn't, but at that time I hated and was so ashamed with myself. I had become a sad, depressed, shameful, angry miserable person ever since that night.
After High School I left to the States, graduated from college and went back. He was at the airport, no, not waiting for me, he was a custom officer there. He was with other customers. We shared a short glanced with each other.
We had almost similar friends so we often got to hang out and we did talk not about us or what happened between us. Years and months past and we would find ourselves playing in the same team, sharing triple softball champions three years in a row. On my 29th birthday he was there with me to celebrate. On his first child ceremony I was there to celebrate with him. One night I drove him home in his car when I saw that he was so drunk. I brought him to his room and laid him down to sleep. The last time I saw him was when I left back here, to the States, last year. He asked where I was going and why. I told him I was just going on a vacation for a year. He smiled and said, "That's a long time for a vacation." I still hold a special place in my heart for him. I hope that he hold a special in his heart for me. What we had was a special friendship and I destroyed it and never did once did I ever tried to fix it when my friend made attempt to do so and regret it. We remain good friends. I have never felt so strongly about anyone else before and I don't know If I'll ever feel like that to someone else. I want to feel that again but only time will tell.
He was a year younger than me but we saw each other everyday at school and off the school cause he lived near by. I avoided him as much as I could. Every time I saw him I felt so much shame and hatred toward myself. There were times when I saw him pass by and all I could say was hi and bye. One after school he saw me right before his basketball practice and gave me his shirt and asked me if I could hold on to it. I was on my way home so I took his shirt and wondered why would he give me his shirt. Why not put it in his bag? After his basketball practice he came to my house and I have him his shirt and still I had nothing to say to him. I made him so uncomfortable that we didn't keep a long conversation and he left.
For the rest of my high school years I avoided him and we grew further apart. I regret avoiding him and wonder what could've have gone differently if I hadn't, but at that time I hated and was so ashamed with myself. I had become a sad, depressed, shameful, angry miserable person ever since that night.
After High School I left to the States, graduated from college and went back. He was at the airport, no, not waiting for me, he was a custom officer there. He was with other customers. We shared a short glanced with each other.
We had almost similar friends so we often got to hang out and we did talk not about us or what happened between us. Years and months past and we would find ourselves playing in the same team, sharing triple softball champions three years in a row. On my 29th birthday he was there with me to celebrate. On his first child ceremony I was there to celebrate with him. One night I drove him home in his car when I saw that he was so drunk. I brought him to his room and laid him down to sleep. The last time I saw him was when I left back here, to the States, last year. He asked where I was going and why. I told him I was just going on a vacation for a year. He smiled and said, "That's a long time for a vacation." I still hold a special place in my heart for him. I hope that he hold a special in his heart for me. What we had was a special friendship and I destroyed it and never did once did I ever tried to fix it when my friend made attempt to do so and regret it. We remain good friends. I have never felt so strongly about anyone else before and I don't know If I'll ever feel like that to someone else. I want to feel that again but only time will tell.
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