Time to Change

[Counselor]

one of my best friends actually was married with kids before he came out. I know several guys like that. Ultimatily, they though that if they got married maybe thier feelings would go away but they did not. Eventually it just kept building and building until they went out and had a sexual experience with a man. It of course resulted and a painful break up.

If you are not really into women, dont date them until you are. Its not just for them but for you as well. A forced relationship never really works out and by the time you come to grips with that years or decades of your life can go by.

You live in la? So do i. There must be hundreds of gay bars to meat people. Have you ever been to west hollywood? Gay central. Restaurants, bars, nightclubs, stores, gyms, hotels, business all gay.

Maybe you should venture out one night. It can be scarey the first time you go into an all gay place but there really is nothing to worry about. You can always leave. Some of the places you should see just because they are cool. Maybe you should try a place called the abby. It started as a coffee house and grew and grew and grew. A lot of straight people like going there so its not overly hard core sexually charged like a club might be. Its pretty laid back during the day, and packed by sunset. If you have any friends that are open minded even a girl, take them with you.

You can also go to a youth group at the center in hollywood. La has one of the largest gay and lesbian centers in the us because they started here by a man who once felt like you did. They usually have a meetings where about 10 to 20 people sitting in a large circle and a guide who usually throws out a topic for discussing. Its a great way to meet new people in a non threatening way. Usually after its over, some of the guys go out for something to eat. Again, good way to meet people. Now your in a group.

Like guys more down to earth, head down to long beach. Huge gay population. More laid back, not into the designer labels, expensive cars and pretentious attitude. Head down to broadway blvd. You will find gay bars and businesses but nothing like west hollywood. More neighborhoody. For example, i go a party once a month potluck at friends houses that usually have 200 men attending. Mostly just to socialize but other have met people they fell in love with there.

Even the starbucks there in west hollywood is gay and kook-a-roo too!. Maybe just go to a restaurant or coffee shop and people watch. You can get familiar with the area that way and work you way down the street.

The one thing i do have to say about west hollywood is don't let it scare you. Because there are a lot of bars, there are a lot of intoxicated queens there. If anyone tries to flirt with you that you do not like, you can always tell them you have a boyfriend. What you see there is not how most gay people live. You will see all extremes there along with guys you probably will like. It's a good place to get your feet wet and feel safe. Its ok there for gay men to hold hands in public without people freaking out. Bars are open to the street and you can see into them if you decide to go in. Eating places are the same too. The abby which i mentioned is mostly a large outdoor patio.

sold. Help me find a job on this bock.

[pellaz]

First off welcome to gay speak

Go get married if you want. Do what people tell you but the will not sleep in your bed. They wont raise your children or pay your families mortgage.

-as you grow older moral restraint and other peoples opinions will not be as important. At some point you will be the married man looking for the Joe.

So take some time now to figure it out

[Double007]

Welcome! Yes, it can become confusing. I had two girlfriends when I was young and I honestly like them. Over time though I just became more interested in guys. I assume from your post that you are not an a relationship of any kind right now. WIth that said, there is no better time to explore those feelings. Who knows what will happen? I can totally relate to the marriage sounding like a good idea. Oh how proud your family would be if you found a nice woman to settle down with. Oh how hard it might be for you if you don't figure your attractions to men and end up finding out you are gay after all.

[Mike]

Hello everyone!
I'm new and I would love your advice.
I was into girls growing up but around 4th or 5th grade I started having sexual curiosities and feelings toward boys. Even when I was with a girlfriend like in high school, I would get hard when I would see some guys bodies. It would be so strong that I would masturbate when i got home. As the years have gone on, It has gotten stronger. I've even started liking guys and feeling butterflies in my stomach around them. I've kind of started wanting to be around some of these guys too and wishing to be in a relationship with them.

Women are always interested in me, but I seem to not be interested in them anymore. I totally pay attention to guys and I really like them. I'm thinking that I'm probably gay and that's okay, because I've been aware of my attraction to guys for a while. I decided that I would like to explore these feelings. Now that I am really into this, it seems more and more people are trying to get me hooked up with this girl and that girl. Truthfully, the idea of settling down with a woman is a good idea, mainly because it's easier and that's what everyone expects me to do. However, there is this other part of me that really wants to be with a guy and I feel torn between just dating women and hoping these feelings will pass or going ahead and saying no and exploring my attraction to men. I often feel that when i say no I hear in my head "you are just trying to make yourself gay because you are curious about them." What do you guys think about this? Does it sound familiar to you? I would love to know what you think, even if it's blunt and painful. Thanks Josh

Hey, Josh,

Boy, does it sound familiar? - Yup! It most certainly does!

Here's what I have to say:

First and foremost, I think you need to get yourself some gay friends. Human beings are social creatures, and in our heads, we're only as normal as the people around us. You have no idea how it changed me, when I started having gay friends.
I'm talking about real-life friends, I am talking about strictly-friends, NO sex.

I believe, when you finally surround yourself with gay friends, you'll no-longer feel frustrated by the fact that you're into men.
It is totally normal (I am surrounded with gay people, and so it is the most normal thing to me) and you can certainly be as happy as any straight guy can be.

You should follow you heart and sexual desires, rather than succumbing to a life of misery, just to appease everybody else. This is not just some trite notion, buddy, you live your life for YOURSELF, not for ANYONE else!
You don't want to wake up one morning in your sixties, or seventies, kicking yourself for not having lived for yourself, but for everyone else.

You can find love and peace, you can find happiness with guys.
I know, because I am speaking from experience, my friend. I know what I am talking about. I used to have horrible thoughts about the future. None of them came true!
I have the most loving friends, I have a boyfriend and my family knows I'm gay and accepts me just the way I am!

I am here for you, if you need to talk!
<3

[Undreamt]

Its your life, if your interested in men be with men if your interested in women be with women.

Straight relationships are a social construct, it is considered the norm and most people accept or expect other people to follow the norm.

but do you really just want to be normal? do you really want to keep up with the Jones's buying and doing things only because other people expect you to?

Be yourself!

In relationships you have to be selfish. If you aren't going to invest yourself into something that is mutually benefiticial that you want to make grow and develop into something special, then you really have to ask yourself. Why am I doing this?

I choose to be in a relationship to make myself happy. I'm not living my life just to make other people satisfied, I don't give a rats what other people might say, the person that you come home to should be the person YOU want to come home to.