My family dynamic has been odd lately, once I let go of the big closeted secret, I realized I wasn't as conservative as I thought I was. And i am one of those people that speaks his mind, sometimes gets me into hot water. I always felt very differently about marriage than most people around me, but I was talking about it with the folks one day, they are not really aware that I am bisexual, I tried telling them before, but I got the standard responses to make it go away.
So we were discussing all sorts of things and my ma brings up grand children, I hate this topic, I love children but its always necessary to sensor my loudmouthedness to avoid a huge scene. I keep telling her I need a lover first, I switched from woman to lover.and that it may not happen. In an abrupt change of character my mom said a strange thing to me. "I just want you to have love" this was different, perhaps I have made it clear that I am not heterosexual and a male lover is just as likely as a female lover. I am dreading the day if I ever do find the right person and it happens to be a guy, introducing him to my family. I just don't think I can force a guy to fake his existence and still be in love, it doesn't sound fair or healthy.
What do you think? I will make my own decision, but I'd like input from Rhodes that have been there.
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hank Wrote:... I am dreading the day if I ever do find the right person and it happens to be a guy, introducing him to my family ... dont invite your parents into your bed.
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pellaz Wrote:dont invite your parents into your bed.
Well I wouldn't but they would see this guy with me and want to know who he is.
I am not talking about a one night stand, but a potential spouse.
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You know sweetie as a parent myself I can vouch for one thing,your child's happiness and safety is first and utmost the most important thing we want for our children.
Don't over think things so much , relax enjoy life and if the future you and your special someone , be it male or female decide to have children , I am sure your mother will be fine with it.
As long as you are happy that is the primary issue.
You are always going to be her baby , that will never change .
As for grandchildren in the end it is up to you and your partner if you have them or not.
I do not think your partner will have to fake his existence, all he has to do is be there for you and love you ,and if he makes you happy ,your mother will be happy too.
Being gay or bi does not mean you will not be a parent , it's not a death sentence , you can still have children if you want them.
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Over time, we evolve; we change; we grow up.
And your opening comments are perfect evidence of this.
The same thing continues to happen when you're in a relationship. Not just you; and not just your partner, but the relationship ITSELF as a separate organism that's fed by you and your partner.
The point is this: RIGHT NOW you're having a hard time imagining a certain dynamic within your family. But I can almost guarantee you that once you have accomplished a certain amount of "personal growth" in a romantic relationship you're perspective will change. And what once seemed "impossible" (or at least, improbable) will become very exciting and rewarding.
Don't put the cart in front of the horse. Let yourself age, mature and grow naturally. With age comes confidence.
This is the voice of experience talking.
I had similar ideas as you just a few years ago.
And while you are a unique individual with unique experiences that make you different from me I can still recognize a voice I used to hear in my own head.
You have one life to live. There are no "do-overs".
You'll get it right one way or the other; sooner or later.
Promise.
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The correct response to your mother was: "Everyone does."
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You mother like most mothers live for the day to see a grandchild. When you come out as being gay, that is one of the issues that always comes up. Usually at some point there is acceptance that it probably wont happen but like the other post said, no reason it cant.
That being said, since you do not classify your self as gay she is even more confused. She is holding on to hope that you dont swing that way. There are very few openly bi men in American culture. Women yes, but men, how many celebrities or athletes can you name? She has even less resources to feel she is going through something that other people (mothers) go through. Sending her to Ellen's mom, or to a gay parents group wont really change that because you are not gay and she is not the mother of a gay person. You really need to find some network of people that are in her situation that she can identify with.
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Hey Hank,
As others have said maybe the family dynamic is odd at the moment because your giving off mixed messages about your sexuality.
You don't mention if your their only son, but if you are then its a perfectly normal topic to bring up (for them) I had it for years before I got married (then divorced) And I think I did the whole marriage thing to just shut everyone up going on about it...
Good Luck
ObW
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OlderButWiser Wrote:Hey Hank,
As others have said maybe the family dynamic is odd at the moment because your giving off mixed messages about your sexuality.
You don't mention if your their only son, but if you are then its a perfectly normal topic to bring up (for them) I had it for years before I got married (then divorced) And I think I did the whole marriage thing to just shut everyone up going on about it...
Good Luck
ObW
x
I have a bro and a gay sister. But the bro has a gf the folks can't stand. she isn't mother material.
I Am sure my messages are mixed, because i still check out women, I can't help it, but they have seen me check out guys. I told them I am bisexual, they said everybody thinks they are at some point, and told me I wasn't bi. But confused. I admit bisexuality was confusing as hell to me, I lust for guys one week then women the next gay guys told me I was gay and just trying not to be, straight people tools me i was just curious. So yea bisexuality was confusing as hell to me, until I quit trying to fit the gay straight label system.
I completely accept that I float in a purgatory of sorts between gay and straight because I am both and neither, I hate the term but for lack of a better one I really "do anumber on peoples gaydar" but the other than hetero sexuality has been established, its just the hope for a female spouse by my folks tends to make them try and force me that way. They have stopped "hating gays" but have doubled the push on me being with a lady. To be honest my past relationships with ladies were terrible, not because they were ladies but because they were terrible ladies. My past relationship with a guy was wonderful, he was my first love. maybe I remember it so fondly because it never started like a relationship, but we were friends. One friend I wished and still would have a relationship with who us female was exactly the same type of friend.
I don't know, I said it was confusing. Plus parental pressure. I enjoyed the stuff my first (Ryan) and I did, but i was so young I didn't realize it was "gay" I still don't think of it that way. ( I hate those fucking labels so much) but dating guys really scares me a bit. I would jump on the opportunity to have sex with a guy, I am very attracted to guys i would love a long term relationship with a man but I am so reluctant, women are similar, I am the same about dating and sex but relationship wise I am not too sure. My experience (please.. I don't mean to offend ladies) with dating women is they are so put off by things I do and dreams I wish to accomplish, so much so that they really wind up losing interest or stay interested but are bent on changing it. I have had enough of living up to everyone else I refuse to do it, my dreams are uncomprimisable. 28 years I spent living everybody else's expectations, it took a lot to learn to dream my own expectations up I will not go back for anybody. That seems to really stick in a lot of women's craw. So I want to try being with a guy again and see.
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hank Wrote:28 years I spent living everybody else's expectations, it took a lot to learn to dream my own expectations up I will not go back for anybody. That seems to really stick in a lot of women's craw. So I want to try being with a guy again and see.
Women around your age are looking for the perfect mate they can get married, buy a house and have kids. The picture perfect family. Being bisexual is a stain on that otherwise perfect picture they have painted for them self since they were little girls. You are going to be hard pressed to find a women who is not like that. They will either lie and say its ok thinking they can change you later or fight about it all the time being jealous if you look at another guy.
Gay men dont grow up with the same type of expectations so there are a lot of variations on what is called a relationship. There is more openness because of that.
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