Not sure what to title this

[Cat]

I know nobody on here really knows me outside a few chats, but there is really nowhere else I can turn at this point. The last three months have been some of the worst of my life. I have been dealing with severe harassment from peers and apathy from family members. The only thing I really wanted was to lead a normal life, or as close to normal as life gets. Instead it seems things escalate every day and whenever I feel like it couldn't possibly get worse it does. Lately, I struggle with thoughts of suicide and every time I don't do it I feel like a failure. I am too depressed to eat or sleep most days. I feel like I should have ended things long ago, before life got even more unbearable. I've talked to counselors but what is the use when the only affirmative human contact one has is a therapist? I used to believe in God but I don't think I do anymore. I have just seen too many supposedly religious people turn their backs on others for not sharing in their beliefs or following their code of conduct. Even if there were a God I doubt he would have had a hand in creating someone as useless as me. I just wish I could end it all

[Counselor]

Suicide is not how most people define a "success". Propelling yourself forward can be difficult sometimes, but it isn't a reason to give up. Do you have any good friends you can spend time with, get a drink someplace or have dinner with?

[Matrim]

Hey there...I know what you're going through, I know that's a cliche line but I'm serious. I've been in your shoes, I used to struggle with my thoughts of suicide and felt like a failure when I didn't see it through...Once my mom, after i told her about my suicidal thoughts, told me to go ahead with it so I would stop inconveniencing her but let me tell you....it's never too late for your life to change, I know it first hand. It might happen by fate or luck, or you might have to fight a little harder for it but it gets better, I swear to you!

[AquaKnight]

please seek out help...someone to talk to

[ceez]

well you definitely would be missed, someone loves you if not out there then in here on this site. I've been there before and honestly my life hasn't gotten a lot better since then but I'm still glad I wasn't successful with it because someone who loves me would have been heart broken and devastated. some times it does feel like it lasts forever but you have to look at your life and your situation right now and look at what gives you the most grief and create small goals to get yourself to a better place.

I didn't like living at home and hated my job so I went back to school for my degree, now I finished and I'm looking for another job. it took a few years but I'm closer to reaching my big goal that would relieve a lot of my stress. and of course I'm not a professional but I do advise you to visit one soon or even admit yourself in a hospital if you really feel that strongly about ending it. there are plenty members here that went through something similar and I'm sure they'll be posting shortly but you are not alone in this.

[Mike]

I know nobody on here really knows me outside a few chats, but there is really nowhere else I can turn at this point. The last three months have been some of the worst of my life. I have been dealing with severe harassment from peers and apathy from family members. The only thing I really wanted was to lead a normal life, or as close to normal as life gets. Instead it seems things escalate every day and whenever I feel like it couldn't possibly get worse it does. Lately, I struggle with thoughts of suicide and every time I don't do it I feel like a failure. I am too depressed to eat or sleep most days. I feel like I should have ended things long ago, before life got even more unbearable. I've talked to counselors but what is the use when the only affirmative human contact one has is a therapist? I used to believe in God but I don't think I do anymore. I have just seen too many supposedly religious people turn their backs on others for not sharing in their beliefs or following their code of conduct. Even if there were a God I doubt he would have had a hand in creating someone as useless as me. I just wish I could end it all

Wow!
I have much to say to you.

I've been there, my friend, really, I have. I know what you're going through. I wish I could be there with you, face-to-face and listen, and hug you, and advise you (you don't happen to live in Israel, right?)

I was a mess, I thought no one would EVER love me and accept me the way I am. I was shattered and I pondered doing away with myself countless times.
I would imagine a world devoid of humans, as I believed human beings were evil by nature. I know what you're going through, really, I do.

Nowadays I have tons of gay friends, my straight friends have accepted me, without even blinking an eye. My parents know about me and accept me the way I am and I've been in two relationships that didn't last, but have made me a better person.

All of these things can happen to you too!
I suggest looking for gay friends. Once you've done it, you'll feel normal. Human beings are social creatures - we're only as normal as the people surrounding us. If you find gay friends (online and then maybe you could, in time, meet in person), you'll be accepted as one of their own. You'll see life as an endless experience. I promise you, you can do it, just like I did.

I'm willing to talk to you on Skype and be your friend, I'm willing to private-message here with you, I can tell you how I got to where I am, which is beautiful, really beautiful.

Listen, I know it's tough out there, but you should know three things:

1. You're not alone. You're not the only person to have to go through all of this sh*t.
2. This thing can be stopped, what you're feeling inside CAN and most probably WILL stop.
3. Horrific thoughts about the future ("They'll never accept me and love me the way I am...") most often don't come true (as in my case and as in many of my friends' cases).

Talk to me, my friend, I will listen and help you as best I can.

<3 <3 <3

[Undreamt]

I hate normal. I mean what is normal really?

Having enough money to buy...
not what you need but what you want to show off to the people around you.
Going places...
not to experience the sights, but being able to buy the t-shirt and take photos to prove it
Food to eat...
not to enjoy the taste, but to complain about pretentious restraunts and binge on junk.
Getting a job...
not to fund your own personal adventure but to be a cog in the machine,
Finding love...
not to share and enjoy life with someone special, but to settle down and spend your savings on a morguage or kids or pets or junk.
To be normal...
because if we aren't normal, what then?

Yes....
What then?




Maybe then we can realize that we are truly free to choose our own lives,
we can be who ever we want to be, expect nothing but surprise and marvel at the everyday wonders that happen all around us.

If people that can't understand you or choose to judge you against some arbitrary concept of whats normal, then that is their loss.
Never give up on yourself, tough times give you a great contrast to see how good life and be when it gets better.

After all whether it is painting starts across a night sky, or writing words across a page.
Without the shades, the blacks, the blues.
All you get is...
Nothing.

[James]

The only failure's of people I see in your post are the ones who harass you, they are probably doing the same thing to others who they perceive as less than themselves hiding behind the harassment so as no one finds out their "secrets". Feel sorry for them, as they are less than you, not caring who they destroy to make themselves look better if only to themselves.
I tried to kill myself in my teens and was stopped by my older sister, she said "we'll get through this together", joined the military and went to nam not for God and country but because I didn't care what happened to me. Got back and was harassed for going, not because I was gay but because those "peers" thought the war was wrong and threw bottles, rocks, calling me "baby killer" among other names. I then realized that people do these things because they think it makes them look better rather than trying to make you look bad or to hurt you.
When people do these things, feel sorry for them that their life is so shallow that they have to do this to feel better than someone. Consider the source, laugh inside at them, because they are way worse off than you. Don't bury your feelings but do understand them, no one can control your life but you, don't let them, there are some really good people out there, wait for the person who can see the beauty inside you and can like you for who you are, Jim

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hey Cat,

Sorry to read that you're having a tough time at the moment. The fact that your able to at least talk about things here in the forum can only be a good thing, and Im sure you will get advice from lots of different people who have perhaps had similar challenges in their lives.

The last three months have been some of the worst of my life. I have been dealing with severe harassment from peers and apathy from family members.

I was wondering if the harassment that you mention is workplace related, as I thought there were regulations in place to prevent this sort of thing? (Sorry Im not intimately versed on US employment law) If so, have you thought about discussing this with your HR department or the management chain?

Also, why the apathy from family members? Are they aware of your sexuality and the issues you're having at work (are the two even connected?)

A bit more detail may help us to provide you with more specific feedback on the challenges your facing.

Good Luck

ObW
x

[Miles]

Cat, thank you for reaching out in this way. Now you can hear it from someone other than me and see that you are not alone.