12-26-2012, 02:23 AM
This is my story…A little over five years ago, I had a friend who was supposedly straight (His name is “Brianâ€Â). Although, I have had several straight friends who knew that I was a gay man, however, they had no problem with my sexual orientation and loved me for the individual that I am. I was very close with Brian's immediate family and at the time, only his sister knew that I was gay. Therefore, once the relationship between he and I became close, I decided to inform him of my sexual orientation. Not only did he accept and embraced me for telling him, he also began to hang around me all the time instead of his girlfriends and buddies.
In order to condense this story; let me get to the main parts of concern. What I found really surprising was that after spending just about every day around each other at my place, he started flirting and even getting naked around me. He told me several times that he was falling in love with me but he was scared of accepting the fact that he may be gay or bisexual and because of his ethnic background, his family would have nothing to do with him if this came out.
Because I am the type of person who does not force anyone on me, especially someone who is confused, the more I kept my distance, the more he tried to pursue me into having sex with him. However, we did partake in some kind of sexual activity such as frottage and fondling and kissing prior to this incident that I am about to discuss and each time was initiated by him, not me. Surprisingly out of the blue, one night, Brian got butt naked and started telling me how he wanted us to explore each other and see where it goes and that he would do whatever I wanted because the night was special. However, after touching and fondling each other's bodies, he started moaning and when I went to give him a blowjob, all of a sudden, I felt a fist whacked me across my jaw, and then he pushed me back and said "You fucking faggot!, I was just teasing you just to see how far you would go, I didn't want this to happen. I was in such a total shock from his physical attack that he went on to straddle me and preceded to beat me with his fists while I covered my face to avoid his punches.
I immediately knocked him off of me and told him to leave or I will call the police. He reluctantly left after I had to keep threatening him several times. All of a sudden, he began to freak out afterwards stating that I was trying to make him GAY. .I told him that I cannot make him GAY, and from him pursuing me in the manner that he did, let me know that I was not the first guy that he had encountered with his stupid game playing because I would see things within his mannerism after spending so much time around me.
He even confessed to me that he cannot be a gay man because if his family ever found out, they would totally disown him and he could not live without them. Within a few minutes, he was knocking on my door begging me to let him back in. When he saw that I was not going to answer, he finally left. After being so frazzled about what had occurred earlier that night, I eventually fell asleep on my couch. However, when I woke up the next day, both of my arms were swollen with pain and black and blue marks all over them including both sides of my stomach area. Because the weather was warm, I was not able to wear short sleeves and had to keep everything covered with long sleeves while moving slowly.
A few days later, I received a call from him acting like nothing happened. He asked me if he and one of his buddies (John) could come over for awhile and I immediately told him "no way" and hung up the phone. John called me back and informed me that he was leaving in a couple of days because he had enlisted in the Air Force and wanted to come and see me before he left. This guy had always treated me nice and I eventually gave into him coming by. Unfortunately, Brian was with him as well. I went into the kitchen to get John something to drink and Brian followed behind me asking me if he could have some scotch that I had on the shelf. We immediately started arguing and John walked into the kitchen inquiring about what was going on and that is when I took off my shirt to show them the bruises and the swollen arms. John gasped in surprise and shock when he saw them and asked me what happened. Brian was looking surprised as well. I told John what happened and became even more shocked. However, I did get the feeling that John already knew this about Brian by the way he started responding a few minutes later.
At that moment, I asked them both to leave and John asked me could he come back to talk before he left for the Air Force. The next day, I got a call from Brian begging me could he please come by and talk and how sorry he was about what happened. I finally gave in and he came in the door crying hysterically while begging for my forgiveness, and yet, still confessing how much he loves me but he is so confused. I eventually accepted his apology and suggested that we should start fresh and work on building a friendship and nothing more. He reluctantly agreed. Due to medical reasons, I was prescribed some medication before going in for medical testing which resulted in me being heavily sedated. I asked him to leave because I was going to take the medication and I would have to lie down after taking it because of the sedation effect. He told me that he would rather stay because he did not want to leave me alone.
Within a few minutes, I fell across the bed because the medication was beginning to take its effect. All of a sudden, Brian came into my bedroom with this wicked smile across his face and then he straddled on top of me with a bottle of scotch and then he pried my mouth open and poured the alcohol down my throat. I was so weak that my body felt like heavy rubber when I made attempts to knock him off of me. He whispered how he was going to take care of me and ripped off my clothes and started kissing my neck. He got up and took off his clothes and straddled me again. By this time, I was totally knocked out from the medication. I do however remember engaging into having oral sex with him and him telling me how much he loved me and wanting me so bad.
The next day, I woke up to a lot of pain and he was nowhere to be found. Because of the pain my body was feeling that morning, I crawled to the bathroom and pulled myself up to the mirror and all I saw was bruises all over me. I made it to my closet and just stayed in there and cried like a baby. I was so embarrassed and humiliated that I stayed in my home in that closet until my doctor came by out of concern because he and I became good friends and he was concerned about me not making the appointment.
I was immediately rushed to the hospital was rushed into emergency surgery because my lungs and kidneys had collapsed at the same time. Nonetheless, it took me a little over two years to be able to function on my own and I later found out that Brian had moved away to another town in order to start a new life for himself. After enduring almost two years of therapy, I was able to speak and eat solid foods again. Once my voice had gotten stronger from speech therapy, I decided to contact his sister who was well aware of what her brother did to me. I had mentioned to her that I wanted to talk to him and let him know what I had endured from his actions as well as what prompted him to do this to me. I also told her that I needed to do this in order for me to receive closure on the whole matter in order for me to move forward in my life. However, she declined my request and told me that she did not tell him what happened to me because she felt he did not need to know about it. To this day, I have not seen him or heard from anyone connected with him in years.
Although I developed a case of agoraphobia, a couple of years later, I fell in love with one of my best friends who has always been there for me and although we have always felt for one another, it was never the right time for us to be in a relationship. Unfortunately, he passed away in 2010. He became my reason for living. He was there for me throughout my coma, my being in the hospital and all during the two years of therapy. He was my protector and I had never given Brain a thought while we were involved until months after his death. Most recently, when I fall asleep, I would have dreams about Brian every single night. Now that I am starting to get out of the house a little each week, I would hear songs that he would play when we were together that would trigger me to think of him all over again. Most of my thoughts deal with not only sexual because we have had a few sexual situation prior to the incident as well as me having some kind of closure in regard to what made him to this to me as well as a genuine apology. I do believe that after all of this time, I will never get this despite the fact that a couple of years ago while out shopping, an old acquaintance from my old neighborhood and had told me that he had came by the old apartment building looking for me. Recently while visiting my niece and her children, my niece was viewing her Facebook account and I asked her to type in his name and a picture appeared of him with several young children cuddled up against him. As I stared at the photo, I looked at his eyes which told me that he was not happy and was dealing with some issues within his own life and has gained weight which I noticed in his face. Since then, he has taken all of his photos down and replaced them with art or animal photos.
With the passing of my boyfriend, and my health status, I am now considered disabled and because of my agoraphobia, I decided to further my education at an online college to which I have graduated a couple of months ago. When I do go out in public and women or men approaches me, I freeze up and cut the conversation off in a polite way. The new therapist that I have had advised me (The one that really helped me out a lot has moved away to another state last year) that I should let go of that past incident and move forward because it's has been several years and now its time to move on. Unfortunately, I do not agree with her because I am making a lot of progress in my life, its just that I am not ready to move on towards any kind of male friendship or relationship because I began to think about "the Dean incident" which I do know that everyone is different but it is what it is at this time. Although I move forward, there are parts of me that can't do that at the moment. I believe in time it will get better, but it takes time. No one can put stipulations on when a person is ready to move forward. This is something that has to happen on it own accord. So, with all this being said, I don't understand why I am thinking about him so much or is it something else that is going on and I haven’t received an answer yet or Am I still in need of some kind of closure on this situation in order to move forward and close this chapter of my life? Is it fair that he's able to move on with his life while I'm still struggling from the after effects of his actions? Since we were good friends, sometimes I wonder does he ever think about me and what he's done to me and feel bad about how his actions have destroyed our friendship. I also wonder if it’s difficult for him to move on with his life or is he’s having difficulty doing so as I am? Back in October, while at a doctor’s office, an old neighborhood acquaintance informed me that he found out that Brian was arrested in Texas for driving while intoxicated. This information revealed to me that he was still doing a lot of drinking which was something that he did when he was having difficulty dealing with his sexuality.
In order to condense this story; let me get to the main parts of concern. What I found really surprising was that after spending just about every day around each other at my place, he started flirting and even getting naked around me. He told me several times that he was falling in love with me but he was scared of accepting the fact that he may be gay or bisexual and because of his ethnic background, his family would have nothing to do with him if this came out.
Because I am the type of person who does not force anyone on me, especially someone who is confused, the more I kept my distance, the more he tried to pursue me into having sex with him. However, we did partake in some kind of sexual activity such as frottage and fondling and kissing prior to this incident that I am about to discuss and each time was initiated by him, not me. Surprisingly out of the blue, one night, Brian got butt naked and started telling me how he wanted us to explore each other and see where it goes and that he would do whatever I wanted because the night was special. However, after touching and fondling each other's bodies, he started moaning and when I went to give him a blowjob, all of a sudden, I felt a fist whacked me across my jaw, and then he pushed me back and said "You fucking faggot!, I was just teasing you just to see how far you would go, I didn't want this to happen. I was in such a total shock from his physical attack that he went on to straddle me and preceded to beat me with his fists while I covered my face to avoid his punches.
I immediately knocked him off of me and told him to leave or I will call the police. He reluctantly left after I had to keep threatening him several times. All of a sudden, he began to freak out afterwards stating that I was trying to make him GAY. .I told him that I cannot make him GAY, and from him pursuing me in the manner that he did, let me know that I was not the first guy that he had encountered with his stupid game playing because I would see things within his mannerism after spending so much time around me.
He even confessed to me that he cannot be a gay man because if his family ever found out, they would totally disown him and he could not live without them. Within a few minutes, he was knocking on my door begging me to let him back in. When he saw that I was not going to answer, he finally left. After being so frazzled about what had occurred earlier that night, I eventually fell asleep on my couch. However, when I woke up the next day, both of my arms were swollen with pain and black and blue marks all over them including both sides of my stomach area. Because the weather was warm, I was not able to wear short sleeves and had to keep everything covered with long sleeves while moving slowly.
A few days later, I received a call from him acting like nothing happened. He asked me if he and one of his buddies (John) could come over for awhile and I immediately told him "no way" and hung up the phone. John called me back and informed me that he was leaving in a couple of days because he had enlisted in the Air Force and wanted to come and see me before he left. This guy had always treated me nice and I eventually gave into him coming by. Unfortunately, Brian was with him as well. I went into the kitchen to get John something to drink and Brian followed behind me asking me if he could have some scotch that I had on the shelf. We immediately started arguing and John walked into the kitchen inquiring about what was going on and that is when I took off my shirt to show them the bruises and the swollen arms. John gasped in surprise and shock when he saw them and asked me what happened. Brian was looking surprised as well. I told John what happened and became even more shocked. However, I did get the feeling that John already knew this about Brian by the way he started responding a few minutes later.
At that moment, I asked them both to leave and John asked me could he come back to talk before he left for the Air Force. The next day, I got a call from Brian begging me could he please come by and talk and how sorry he was about what happened. I finally gave in and he came in the door crying hysterically while begging for my forgiveness, and yet, still confessing how much he loves me but he is so confused. I eventually accepted his apology and suggested that we should start fresh and work on building a friendship and nothing more. He reluctantly agreed. Due to medical reasons, I was prescribed some medication before going in for medical testing which resulted in me being heavily sedated. I asked him to leave because I was going to take the medication and I would have to lie down after taking it because of the sedation effect. He told me that he would rather stay because he did not want to leave me alone.
Within a few minutes, I fell across the bed because the medication was beginning to take its effect. All of a sudden, Brian came into my bedroom with this wicked smile across his face and then he straddled on top of me with a bottle of scotch and then he pried my mouth open and poured the alcohol down my throat. I was so weak that my body felt like heavy rubber when I made attempts to knock him off of me. He whispered how he was going to take care of me and ripped off my clothes and started kissing my neck. He got up and took off his clothes and straddled me again. By this time, I was totally knocked out from the medication. I do however remember engaging into having oral sex with him and him telling me how much he loved me and wanting me so bad.
The next day, I woke up to a lot of pain and he was nowhere to be found. Because of the pain my body was feeling that morning, I crawled to the bathroom and pulled myself up to the mirror and all I saw was bruises all over me. I made it to my closet and just stayed in there and cried like a baby. I was so embarrassed and humiliated that I stayed in my home in that closet until my doctor came by out of concern because he and I became good friends and he was concerned about me not making the appointment.
I was immediately rushed to the hospital was rushed into emergency surgery because my lungs and kidneys had collapsed at the same time. Nonetheless, it took me a little over two years to be able to function on my own and I later found out that Brian had moved away to another town in order to start a new life for himself. After enduring almost two years of therapy, I was able to speak and eat solid foods again. Once my voice had gotten stronger from speech therapy, I decided to contact his sister who was well aware of what her brother did to me. I had mentioned to her that I wanted to talk to him and let him know what I had endured from his actions as well as what prompted him to do this to me. I also told her that I needed to do this in order for me to receive closure on the whole matter in order for me to move forward in my life. However, she declined my request and told me that she did not tell him what happened to me because she felt he did not need to know about it. To this day, I have not seen him or heard from anyone connected with him in years.
Although I developed a case of agoraphobia, a couple of years later, I fell in love with one of my best friends who has always been there for me and although we have always felt for one another, it was never the right time for us to be in a relationship. Unfortunately, he passed away in 2010. He became my reason for living. He was there for me throughout my coma, my being in the hospital and all during the two years of therapy. He was my protector and I had never given Brain a thought while we were involved until months after his death. Most recently, when I fall asleep, I would have dreams about Brian every single night. Now that I am starting to get out of the house a little each week, I would hear songs that he would play when we were together that would trigger me to think of him all over again. Most of my thoughts deal with not only sexual because we have had a few sexual situation prior to the incident as well as me having some kind of closure in regard to what made him to this to me as well as a genuine apology. I do believe that after all of this time, I will never get this despite the fact that a couple of years ago while out shopping, an old acquaintance from my old neighborhood and had told me that he had came by the old apartment building looking for me. Recently while visiting my niece and her children, my niece was viewing her Facebook account and I asked her to type in his name and a picture appeared of him with several young children cuddled up against him. As I stared at the photo, I looked at his eyes which told me that he was not happy and was dealing with some issues within his own life and has gained weight which I noticed in his face. Since then, he has taken all of his photos down and replaced them with art or animal photos.
With the passing of my boyfriend, and my health status, I am now considered disabled and because of my agoraphobia, I decided to further my education at an online college to which I have graduated a couple of months ago. When I do go out in public and women or men approaches me, I freeze up and cut the conversation off in a polite way. The new therapist that I have had advised me (The one that really helped me out a lot has moved away to another state last year) that I should let go of that past incident and move forward because it's has been several years and now its time to move on. Unfortunately, I do not agree with her because I am making a lot of progress in my life, its just that I am not ready to move on towards any kind of male friendship or relationship because I began to think about "the Dean incident" which I do know that everyone is different but it is what it is at this time. Although I move forward, there are parts of me that can't do that at the moment. I believe in time it will get better, but it takes time. No one can put stipulations on when a person is ready to move forward. This is something that has to happen on it own accord. So, with all this being said, I don't understand why I am thinking about him so much or is it something else that is going on and I haven’t received an answer yet or Am I still in need of some kind of closure on this situation in order to move forward and close this chapter of my life? Is it fair that he's able to move on with his life while I'm still struggling from the after effects of his actions? Since we were good friends, sometimes I wonder does he ever think about me and what he's done to me and feel bad about how his actions have destroyed our friendship. I also wonder if it’s difficult for him to move on with his life or is he’s having difficulty doing so as I am? Back in October, while at a doctor’s office, an old neighborhood acquaintance informed me that he found out that Brian was arrested in Texas for driving while intoxicated. This information revealed to me that he was still doing a lot of drinking which was something that he did when he was having difficulty dealing with his sexuality.
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Cancer
