01-01-2013, 02:46 AM
I have never had an easy time making friends. On the outside, most people assume that I do, but I don't. I spent my youth living overseas (the UAE) but my parents moved us back to the US in my early teens. Having been educated in British schools while in the UAE, when we first moved to Louisiana, I had an English accent, which did NOT go over well with my new classmates. I was ridiculed and beaten daily. Every yearbook I have shows me with black eyes, busted lips, and a generally beaten look. One of my teachers even spit on me and called me a "little faggot" when I was 13.
My father was always a big guy; a real "man's man" so to speak, and he saw my abuse from my school mates and teachers as a failing on my part. Though I begged my parents to let me move in with my grandparents in NYC, my father refused, saying that I needed to "tough up". Those were very hard years for me.
Eventually graduation arrived and I immediately left home and moved to NYC to my grandparent's house, but the years of abuse at the hands of my peers had left their mark: I felt ugly and unloveable. I believed that I was worthless. I was VERY VERY shy, and when I started Art School it was very difficult for me to make friends. Also, I was terrified of confrontation.
Towards the end of my first year, something amazing happened. I was approached by one of my teachers and asked if I would consider meeting a friend of her's who wanted to take some pictures of me. The woman's name was Karen White, and she owned a modeling agency. Suddenly it seemed that I had all of the friends I had always dreamed of having, and I worked for the agency for almost a year....until tradegy struck.
I was diagnosed with cancer at 19 years old. My left lung was riddled with small tumors and the doctor urged my parents to allow him to remove the lung and for me to start chemo to save my life. Except.....after the surgery to remove my lung, it turned out NOT to be cancer! Instead it was discovered that I had an immune disorder called Sarcoidoisis (which COULD have been detected with a simple blood test had the doctor thought to do so). I was left with a horrible scar on my chest and 3 ribs removed----no more modeling career. No more friends.
My self hatred returned. My belief that I was ugly returned. I felt worthless again. I quit school and found jobs that I could do where I didn't have to interact with people in person.
Eventually, in my mid-twenties, I took a job doing the books for a resturant. One night, 3 of the servers failed to show up for work and my employer asked if I would go out and wait tables to try and get through the night. It turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me. I discovered that I was very good at waiting tables, and as time passed I lost my shyness and became adept at speaking publicly to groups of people. I became good at making jokes and getting people to laugh and have a good time. That night of waiting tables eventually led to me owning my own restaurant and, later, a catering company and a B&B.
Over the years I did well for myself. Though it took me a long time to accept, I realized that most people find me rather attractive. In fact, though I know many readers will think me vain, I came to realize that most people find me to be exceptionally attractive, which leads me to the point if my post: I still have a lot of trouble making friends.
In particular I have problems making gay friends. Invariably, when I meet another gay man, they end up hitting on me. No matter how hard I try, it seems that eventually any gay, male (but not always--females too) friends I make endup trying to get me in bed. It doesn't seem to matter to them that I am happily married, eventually (usually after a few drinks) my "friends" end up trying to "hook-up" with me and when I turn them down (no matter how desperately I try and be polite about it), that is the end of the friendship.
This past year I have become very involved in charities, and in doing so I made friends with an older gay man (lets call him "Micky") who, much to my delight, seemed to understand that I am happiy married and seemed to really like me as a REAL friend. "Micky" and my husband even became friends, and I was SO happy to finally have someone to confide in and feel safe around. I was so happy....
Until Christmas. "Micky" had another friend come from out of town over the Christmas Hollidays (who we will call "Ivan"), so my husband and I decided to invite "Micky" and "Ivan" to drop by and visit us on Christmas Eve. Unfortunately, "Micky's" car broke down that morning, which put him in a bind since they had plans to visit many people and could not do so without a car. So my husband and I ended up driving them around to all their stops so they could still continue with their plans. We even let them spend the night in one of our spare bedrooms, but right before bed-time "Ivan" cornered me in the bathroom (all hands) and I had to turn him down. I was as nice as I could be, explaining that my husband and I are monogamous. I went to bed that night thinking that all was well, and when we got up on Christmas Day we exchanged gifts with "Micky" and "Ivan" (though "Ivan" had not gotten any gift for us, we didn't care we just didn't want him to feel left out). Then we drove them back to "Micky's" apartment, making plans for New Year during the drive.
Today I called "Micky" to see where we should meet for our New Years plans.....except....he told me he didn't want to be friends anymore. When I asked why, he said it was because I had tried to force myself on "Ivan".
I feel so hurt right now. Once again I find myself friendless. I have a wonderful husband. I have a very good life for the most part, but there is something missing: I don't have friends.
Thank you for listening to my rant. I am just so sad. Once again I am without friends. Why? What is wrong with me that I can't keep a friend? Why do my friendships ALWAYS end because I don't want to have sex with someone?
I am so upset rut now. I feel so worthless.
My father was always a big guy; a real "man's man" so to speak, and he saw my abuse from my school mates and teachers as a failing on my part. Though I begged my parents to let me move in with my grandparents in NYC, my father refused, saying that I needed to "tough up". Those were very hard years for me.
Eventually graduation arrived and I immediately left home and moved to NYC to my grandparent's house, but the years of abuse at the hands of my peers had left their mark: I felt ugly and unloveable. I believed that I was worthless. I was VERY VERY shy, and when I started Art School it was very difficult for me to make friends. Also, I was terrified of confrontation.
Towards the end of my first year, something amazing happened. I was approached by one of my teachers and asked if I would consider meeting a friend of her's who wanted to take some pictures of me. The woman's name was Karen White, and she owned a modeling agency. Suddenly it seemed that I had all of the friends I had always dreamed of having, and I worked for the agency for almost a year....until tradegy struck.
I was diagnosed with cancer at 19 years old. My left lung was riddled with small tumors and the doctor urged my parents to allow him to remove the lung and for me to start chemo to save my life. Except.....after the surgery to remove my lung, it turned out NOT to be cancer! Instead it was discovered that I had an immune disorder called Sarcoidoisis (which COULD have been detected with a simple blood test had the doctor thought to do so). I was left with a horrible scar on my chest and 3 ribs removed----no more modeling career. No more friends.
My self hatred returned. My belief that I was ugly returned. I felt worthless again. I quit school and found jobs that I could do where I didn't have to interact with people in person.
Eventually, in my mid-twenties, I took a job doing the books for a resturant. One night, 3 of the servers failed to show up for work and my employer asked if I would go out and wait tables to try and get through the night. It turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me. I discovered that I was very good at waiting tables, and as time passed I lost my shyness and became adept at speaking publicly to groups of people. I became good at making jokes and getting people to laugh and have a good time. That night of waiting tables eventually led to me owning my own restaurant and, later, a catering company and a B&B.
Over the years I did well for myself. Though it took me a long time to accept, I realized that most people find me rather attractive. In fact, though I know many readers will think me vain, I came to realize that most people find me to be exceptionally attractive, which leads me to the point if my post: I still have a lot of trouble making friends.
In particular I have problems making gay friends. Invariably, when I meet another gay man, they end up hitting on me. No matter how hard I try, it seems that eventually any gay, male (but not always--females too) friends I make endup trying to get me in bed. It doesn't seem to matter to them that I am happily married, eventually (usually after a few drinks) my "friends" end up trying to "hook-up" with me and when I turn them down (no matter how desperately I try and be polite about it), that is the end of the friendship.
This past year I have become very involved in charities, and in doing so I made friends with an older gay man (lets call him "Micky") who, much to my delight, seemed to understand that I am happiy married and seemed to really like me as a REAL friend. "Micky" and my husband even became friends, and I was SO happy to finally have someone to confide in and feel safe around. I was so happy....
Until Christmas. "Micky" had another friend come from out of town over the Christmas Hollidays (who we will call "Ivan"), so my husband and I decided to invite "Micky" and "Ivan" to drop by and visit us on Christmas Eve. Unfortunately, "Micky's" car broke down that morning, which put him in a bind since they had plans to visit many people and could not do so without a car. So my husband and I ended up driving them around to all their stops so they could still continue with their plans. We even let them spend the night in one of our spare bedrooms, but right before bed-time "Ivan" cornered me in the bathroom (all hands) and I had to turn him down. I was as nice as I could be, explaining that my husband and I are monogamous. I went to bed that night thinking that all was well, and when we got up on Christmas Day we exchanged gifts with "Micky" and "Ivan" (though "Ivan" had not gotten any gift for us, we didn't care we just didn't want him to feel left out). Then we drove them back to "Micky's" apartment, making plans for New Year during the drive.
Today I called "Micky" to see where we should meet for our New Years plans.....except....he told me he didn't want to be friends anymore. When I asked why, he said it was because I had tried to force myself on "Ivan".
I feel so hurt right now. Once again I find myself friendless. I have a wonderful husband. I have a very good life for the most part, but there is something missing: I don't have friends.
Thank you for listening to my rant. I am just so sad. Once again I am without friends. Why? What is wrong with me that I can't keep a friend? Why do my friendships ALWAYS end because I don't want to have sex with someone?
I am so upset rut now. I feel so worthless.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Aries
Chin up, Love.
