Constant fear of him leaving

[Anonymous]

I've been in a relationship for a few month, so I'm still in the fairly early stages of it all. My problem is I tend to fall for people really fast and very easily and then I end up getting hurt.
Before my current relationship, the last person I fell for was never that interested in me and pretty much used me for their own needs and pretended to like me. Eventually I found out they never actually liked me and just liked me liking them (I say like but I was in love with them).

Anyway it took me a while but I was finally ready to start dating again and found my current boyfriend. Everything is going great, we get on really well, we see each other pretty much every other day, he texts me pretty much all the time and tells me how happy he is with me etc etc. So basically it's going pretty perfect yet I can't stop being constantly scared that he's going to leave me for some reason.
For starters, some gay people can be very fickle and as soon as something better comes along, they can be gone without a second glance. Secondly, he's three years younger than me and I'm his first proper relationship. And it worries me that maybe he just wants to experience a relationship and deep down he isn't that into me. Thirdly, having been hurt in the past, and I know how much it hurts to be heartbroken by someone you've fallen for and have become attached too and I just don't want to feel that hurt again.

And then because of this fear, I start thinking about if my boyfriend ever did leave me and he met someone else, and it actually hurts so much to think of him with someone else doing the things that we used to do. In short, I feel really pathetic because I have no real reason to feel like this. He's pretty much perfect, he's never given me any reason to think he'll leave me but I'm constantly scared he will. It's to the point where I spend a lot of my day thinking about it and I want to just be able to enjoy it but I can't shake the inevitable feeling that it's all going to go wrong. I don't speak to him about it because I don't want to sound needy or overly attached, but I'm just full of insecurities and I want to stop but can't.

Any advice would be appreciated. I feel really pathetic for feeling this way, and I'm quite an emotionally mature person usually so I have no idea why I'm even acting this way!

[Beau]

I wish there was a definitive answer on this matter. It seems to me that you need more confidence in yourself. Do the two of you go out on dates? I assume there's no sexual displeasure on either of your sides. Just come to terms that he's his own man. If he loves you as you love him, then he will stay. you say he texts many times a day, etc., and that tells me he really does care for you. You'll just have to trust him and have more confidence in yourself.

[Counselor]

It sounds like it's going pretty good for you two, is there a reason you feel insecure? If not, is there a reason you can't enjoy what you have? And IF he DOES leave, he wasn't worth all the worry you're wasting while you have something good.

[MisterTinkles]

Ok, being blatantly honest here..........

You've done this to yourself. And yes, most of us HAVE been in this position before, in some form.
We all "fall" for someone and it doesnt work out, and then we drown ourselves in our own pity, self doubts, and sorrow.

You have to remember that men who want to love another man, and women who want to love another women have had NO role models to base a concrete, stable relationship on. Therefore gay society has created its own pathetic conclusion.....hide your feelings, use and abuse, and then move on.

SOME same sex couples DO find happiness in each other, but they are not the "norm" for same sex relationships. They WORK at it. They COMMUNICATE with each other. They have fights and make up. They have problems and deal with them together. Almost all of same sex relationships are based on sex and/or looks, which 99.99% of the time ends up in hurt feelings and squashed emotions.

YOU have to take control of YOUR feelings and emotions. You have to stabilize yourself. You have to learn to understand yourself, and learn how to control yourself.

This is not something that is practiced by anyone much anymore, but I SWEAR by this.
I call it my Victorian Attitude, and so far, it has worked for me.

This Victorian mentality will not only help you learn to control yourself, it will help you find the RIGHT person for you.

Its pretty easy, only a few simple steps, but you have to have conviction and patience in carrying out this entire way of adjusting to a new concept.

This is how they did things in the Victorian Era, hence the name. Here are the steps--

1. Be friends. Everything in your relationship with another person is based on friendship. It is the foundation on which you will build any kind of relationship with ANY other person. You have to like each other, be comfortable around each other, and feel the need to want to get to know each other more. This doesnt happen overnight...it could take months or years.

2. Dating. Once you have gotten to the level of intimate knowledge of each others backgrounds and lives (faux pas, bad moods, good moods, turn on's, turn off's, etc....), and communication has been good between both of you, then if both of you feel comfortable to see if this can go further, then go on a date. If one date works out, then continue. The more you date, the further you will know and understand each other...as long as there is honesty and communication.

3. Courtship. Once you have dated long enough to both feel there is a next level to go too, then you both make a commitment to each other. Not a serious commitment, but a commitment to be the only ones for each other. You might call it "going steady" or a "serious dating relationship". Again, the more you involve yourselves with each other, the more you get to know each other, the more you will be able to tell if you are both right for each other. And again, this could take months or years.

4. Engagement. Once you have both decided that you are both the right person for each other, You can make a serious commitment to each other, to be the ONLY one for each other. Give this at least 3 months before finally making up your minds.

5. "Marriage". Whether a binding piece of paper, or a vow of love to each other, you have both decided its "time" to start your lives as one enitity. Just remember to always be honest and have open communication.


The major point in all of this is TIME. Falling for the first nice person to come along is really, REALLY bad for you. You are doing nothing but setting yourself up for hurt and depression. Why do this to yourself?

This is an "instant" society. "Instant" is good for coffee and soup, but NOT for relationships. The ONLY "instant" relationships, are the ones that are over in an "instant" as well as started in one.

You have to learn to control your emotions, take a step back, look at the person inside....get to know them, get to understand them. Just because he's cute and nice today, doesnt mean he's not going to go "Jekyl" on you tomorrow.

After all, even wolves can put on sheeps clothing (as the saying goes).

If YOU dont protect YOU......who will??



.

[Blue]

You can't control or change what anyone but you thinks or feels, don't try and learn to stop fretting about it. Trust what they say.

In short, hope for the best, prepare for the worst and, take what comes.

[bluefox4000]

Well I can tell you I'm in a 5 year relationship.....and I felt what you felt constantly for a while. best I can say is talk it out. talking is ALWAYS the key. I must be honest I can never understand the concept of constantly falling for people. But then I've always been a guarded person. Anyway, Talk it out. Do not let this stay in you.

Mick

[pellaz]

relationship = communications, respect, trust

your missing one part ... trust

[Bowyn Aerrow]

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Everyone has these sorts of feelings.

Yes yours may be stronger owning to past experiences, but that is nothing to be ashamed about either.

There is no cure for that 'anxiety' that he is going to leave except time demonstrating by his sticking around. As the months give way to years I assure you that 'fear' will diminish to a tiny pinprick and will only cross your mind occasionally.

Yes it will still be there, perhaps always. It is normal. I think everybody who cares about their SO feels it.

Love, good love, not mere lust, hurts - a lot - but also hurts good. And its not when its ending that it hurts, it hurts at the beginning as well. Part of that hurt is the risks you are taking. These are big risks because, as you well know, break ups are hard, painful things to do.

You may not have worried about your first love leaving, but then you didn't have the experience and you lived in the dream world of 'fantasy' happily everafter, but he left (or you left, or you both left) and that first experience set you on a course of being a little bit leery of others, a little more fearful of the consequences of getting involved.


I would strongly urge you to talk to your partner about such things. Communication is important for a relationship to work. You might find he has a lot of insecurities and fears himself, and might actually share your anxiety.

With my own first love I was chocked full of anxiety, I was inexperienced in relationships, I knew I was competing against hist past loves, and I honestly wondered if he would one day tell me I didn't know enough, or messed up somehow in some way that my lack of experience didn't prepare me for.

Further, I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure if talking about that was 'right' and if it would drive him away.

These things and more may being going through your partner's head at this time.

Since you are older, and more experienced in matters of love, he most likely is needing you to take the lead and be a mentor of sort and show him what loves means. He most likely will be relieved on one level or another to know that you worry about his leaving you, because frankly that means you really do love him and want him.

Doubt and uncertainty are all part of relationships, both of you need to attempt to reassure. No, no amount of words completely reassure. But words and love over time will take you both to that place where you are confident enough with self and other to put that dread behind.

[AdrianMarcus]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time.

Usually when someone has a constant fear of being left by their spouse or SO it comes down to one of two things.
a. the person has low self esteem.
b. the spouse is cheating, and for financial reasons the person is unable to walk away from a bad/abusive situation.

I don't know you so please don't take things the wrong way, but if you are the kind of person that has low self esteem, no one can fix that but you. In the cases of low self esteem most people are willing to put up with a bad relationship because they are afraid they will never find another person who will love them. Because you said you fall in love fast, it also seems like you *might* have self esteem issues. That isn't always the case, sometimes falling in love just happens, but when it happens often there is usually an underlying cause.

If you are worried that you will never find someone else to love you if he leaves you then I hope the statistical improbability of that being true will offer you some comfort. If you have often been abandoned this is not a result of anything you have done, most likely. I say this because you said you fall in love easily, so I think it is probably a situation where you fall for people who are not worthy of you, and I doubt that you are unworthy of the other people.

I hope this helps. I do not have a lot of experience with relationships, and I am sure I'm about to make a fool of myself with the guy I like, but in my line of work I do meet a lot of people, and they often tell me their problems because. So, from all of that, for what it's worth to you, that is what I have learned.

[HomeagainNYC]

You appear to have an astounding - reset button - for experiencing how and when things happen in your life. It also appears that you use it quite often.

If one reads back across your posts - it is hard to miss - that you have a life experience, and then are magically transformed - backwards or forwards - in time - to a completely new situation that is not congruent with the previous experience.

If you have experienced what you have shared in those posts – then perhaps you should print them and lay them out - end to end - and marvel at their time lines as they relate to - the continuum of time.

Just how many people are under that bag?


“Nothing is so difficult as not deceiving oneself"