Gay dating question

[Beau]

We are out there Tombo. I don't do drugs, drink or smoke. I'd recommend staying away from dating sites. It's too easy to lie on those things. Perhaps there is a local LGBT support group you can join? What better way to talk to and learn about others in your area before going on the first date?

[Tombo]

Wait what? Are you implying most gay people are alcoholics or drug users? o.O

No but a lot of the people who I have met near me who are 'on the scene' seem to drink a lot and lot of them use drugs regularly.

The last guy I was seeing who actually ended up cheated on me, used to keep going to my bathroom but coming out really quickly then after he had a gone I found an empty drug bag on the floor :/

The guy I was proper into before that also took drugs.

If I were looking for that I'd look to where people were too busy to be drinking & drugging a lot, like say volunteering with an organization that helps gays. (Obviously, bars should be avoided.)

And just out of curiosity, how well does it work in gay dating (or any dating at all) to say in a personal (online or paper) that you're not interested in that? That is does it work or do a lot of people show up claiming to be drug free who are not?

Given how many (based on the handful of times I looked at personals) outright demand that qualification and how many promote that about themselves as a selling point in personals I know it can't that much of a way to hamper meeting someone.

Amazing idea, I didn't think of that! Best piece of advice on this thread

Take a step back Tombo. Perhaps your looking in the wrong places?

ObW
x

Thank you for your wise words

Ive never had that problem.

My problems have been, WHERE do I find a decent man who IS NOT into:

Gross and disgusting sex acts.
Stealing.
Lieing.
Cheating.
Playing headgames.
Mommas boys.

With the exception of two guys Ive ever met in my life, all the other ones have been one, or all, of the above.

I feel for you and can relate <3

We are out there Tombo. I don't do drugs, drink or smoke. I'd recommend staying away from dating sites. It's too easy to lie on those things. Perhaps there is a local LGBT support group you can join? What better way to talk to and learn about others in your area before going on the first date?

That's good to know <3 I am a member of my uni's LGBT society but most of the people there drink lots (the meetings seem to revolve around drinking but they do have some good events on, they also run coffee afternoons but sometimes people drink at them too) and I have joined my community's LGBT forum and that has been really good to go to

[dogar26]

The 2 guys I went out with recently both liked to party and get drunk. And they both smoked ciggs, no drugs though.

SOOOOOOO, it makes me feel like all gay people like to get wasted and smoke a pack a day.

[zeon]

Hello mista,
There is a good rule i beleive in

YOU GOTTA GO THROUGH A LOTTA PRICKS TO FIND A ROSE

Sadly a lot of people on the gayscene are either after drink and drugs. I have for the first time met my current boyfriend off the gay scene infact i met him on a gay chat site and we met up and realised almost instantly we were developing feelings for one another. You are right to avoid people in this catergory because if you get envolved you may find what ive found from my ex... An abusive relationship filled with lies and decit in order for their gain. Your work to feed their habit and if your lucky they wont rob you behind your back as you go to work to provide food on the table. When they steal it will be simply excuses. Any relationship you find unless its open and honest its a fail from the start... Thats my experience anyhow

Plentyoffish.com is a good datingf free site so give that a go and good luck...
Kindest regards

Auntry Zeon
Gayspeak agony aunt

[BobInTampa]

To directly answer your question: If you don't want to meet guys who are drunks and druggies - don't go to where drunks and druggies hang out! ahhaha

Seriously, most folks (gay and str8) who use drugs and like to drink alot (i'm NOT talking about full-on addicts here, i'm more referring to the bar-fly-types). Does that mean you have to avoid going to gay bars and events where guys drink? NO, NO, NO! Not sure about your city/town, but here in Tampa Bay, we have alot of gay bars and some are much more pre-disposed to be party/drink-centric. There are also alot of bars that are more "social" in nature. The challenge here is that the more laid-back, non-drink-till-you're-drunk bars have an older crowd. But all that said, don't just throw all bars into one bucket and lump all guys who hit bars as drunks/druggies.

The bottom line (no pun intended) is that our community is VERY DIVERSE! So it's incumbant on you to fight the urge to become one of the thousands of "bitter queens" out there who paint all the single guys as drunks, druggies, drama-queens, liars, cheaters, and whores. Are there guys out there like that? Yep. Are alot of those guys usually very attractive (looks, body, etc?) YEP. Are they ALL bad? NO, NO, NO!

As has already been said, but i'll say in a different way, you have to kiss alot of frogs till you find your prince.

The other think i want to say - in general terms - is how so many single gay men (of all ages) have this list of "MUST HAVES" when looking for a date (NOTE I SAID DATE!). Now, i'm all for having 2 or 3 issues that are NON-NEGOTIABLE! But having a 15-point list is really unrealistic and will just foster feelings of frustration.

So here's waht you might want to do. Make 2 lists of the traits you're looking for - and NOT looking for in a potential mate. Limit the list to 10 items. Then next to each line, rank it from 1 to 10 - with 10 being the most important and 1 being the least. If you have less than 10, change the ranking to match the number of items on your list. THIS excercise makes you prioritize your desires and turn offs. Once each list is done, pull out the TOP 3 ONLY! So, you'll now have 3 TOP things you're looking for IN a man and 3 things that will disqualify a man.

Then post those results in your online profiles or use the list as a guide when talking with someone. Posting them in your online profiles will help screen out the guys you don't want and attract guys who match your "things i'm looking for in a man" - they WILL respond if they are attracted to you (yes, you need accurate updated photos on your profile or guys will think you've got something to hide.

When talking face-to-face, don't pull out that list and make him go thru the "3rd degree." Rather, while chatting, be sure to bring up the topics (ie: drinking, drugs, open relationships, etc.). It might feel akward at first, but you know what? It's better to be honest about it then find out things later down the road.

Oh, and finally, be ready to compromise. One of your "do not likes" may be drunks. Ok, well, here you're going to have to drill down a bit. Saying you're not attracted to "drunks" isn't really specific. SO if a guy has a few beers/shots or drinks when out with friends - does that make him a drunk? Just be ready to expand on it.

Hope this helps - and don't give up!

[LateBloomer]

To directly answer your question: If you don't want to meet guys who are drunks and druggies - don't go to where drunks and druggies hang out! ahhaha

I understand this part of your response is a little "tongue in cheek". Half serious/Half sarcastic.

But the OP kinda has a particular problem....And the Brits are gonna hate me for saying this...but he's located in the UK.

I've spent a little time in the UK and, quite frankly, I was "gobsmacked" at the drinking and public drunkenness prevalent in ALL segments of their society--not just gay.

I'll be blunt. The UK has a drinking problem and I'm sympathetic to anyone looking for a more "sober" partner there.

But don't give up.

[Geminize]

I'm jealous, Bloomer. I haven't been gobsmacked in too long... (:

Tombo, i agree: don't give up!