Should I Cheat?

[Lalo]

I am in a relationship with an older man. We are married and have a loving, wonderful relationship. He is no longer able to obtain an erection and is unable to use erectile medications due to a heart condition. He also has a diminished sex drive. Recently we had a discussion about sex and me possibly having the option to go outside of our relationship for sex. I have been effectively celibate for the past 8 years and it is driving me crazy. We both used to have extremely active sex lives and had sex at least daily and often multiple times a day. So it was going from 100 mph to a complete standstill in a very short period of time. Tonight I asked him if I could go outside of our relationship and he agreed. But now, I am left wondering, if I should? I have never been a fan of open relationships, but that might be where we are heading. Any input?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I have been effectively celibate for - lets round it off at a decade. I stayed true until the bitter end.

I have a hand, sure the left hand doesn't cooperate so I have to cheat with the right...

Seriously we don't do monogamy because its easy, we do it because its difficult and that is what makes it special.

I don't know what promise monogamy has for you. Is it a promise? A sort of vow you used for being 'true' to your love? If so you may manage to do it with another guy and enjoy it while it happens, you may not enjoy it and feel lots of guilt after, even with his blessings.

It boils down to how two you are hardwired to view monogamy and what it means.

[Pix]

^^

What he said.

That said, technically if he agrees to it then it's not cheating. That doesn't necessarily mean it's right, however. Given some of what you said I think you either need to break it off with him (that doesn't necessarily mean you have to move out, btw) or stick it out and remain monogamous.

[Lalo]

Ouch. I guess that neither one of those answers is what I wanted to hear. LOL In reality, I could never just "break it off with him". He is my love and we celebrated a commitment ceremony. I guess the question for me is, what exactly does that "commitment" mean? Neither one of us is ideologically hung up on the idea of monogamy as the only way to live. But what does the alternative look like? Is it viable? Neither one of us would ever do anything that would deliberately hurt the other person. Okay...I am just babbling now. I guess that I just need time to sort through this.

[jimbopdxus]

Tough call! I have ED but that does not stop my partner. So we continue onward and forward with a very avtive sex life with each other.
Then there was the last partner I had (25 years ago) that everything sort of came boiling to a halt physically. We let a third sonme into the relationship that kept us both occupied, so again, problem solved.
So my recommendation is to try different things but TRY THEM TOGETHER! If he remains a important part of the relationship, it will only get stronger!
BTW: The third in our relationship was definitely a addition to the relationship and was a welcome member to the family!
Good Fortune go with you and yours!

[Geminize]

I agree that if you have communicated with your partner and he is in agreement, it's hardly cheating. I would caution, however, that there could be a lot of difficult emotions stirred up if you do go outside your relationship for sex. I have never known anyone to manage that sort of thing for long without it falling apart and people getting hurt. I won't say it can't be done, but I think it takes a special relationship and deep communication skills for it to work.

[Lalo]

I agree that if you have communicated with your partner and he is in agreement, it's hardly cheating. I would caution, however, that there could be a lot of difficult emotions stirred up if you do go outside your relationship for sex. I have never known anyone to manage that sort of thing for long without it falling apart and people getting hurt. I won't say it can't be done, but I think it takes a special relationship and deep communication skills for it to work.

I guess that the whole "cheating" question comes from my mindset. This is all new territory for me and even the concept of having an open relationship feels somewhat alien on an emotional level. Like you, I have never seen a "triad" or an open relationship work for an extended period of time. I know that they can, I just haven't been exposed to it. I guess that that, plus my good catholic upbringing mile: , are some of the things making me doubt whether having sex outside of our relationship would be destructive. So...logically, no problem...but the heart...well, that is where the problem lies.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Ouch. I guess that neither one of those answers is what I wanted to hear. LOL In reality, I could never just "break it off with him". He is my love and we celebrated a commitment ceremony. I guess the question for me is, what exactly does that "commitment" mean? Neither one of us is ideologically hung up on the idea of monogamy as the only way to live. But what does the alternative look like? Is it viable? Neither one of us would ever do anything that would deliberately hurt the other person. Okay...I am just babbling now. I guess that I just need time to sort through this.

Technically, since both agree it is technically not cheating.

However I do not know how both of you few sex outside of the relationship not mentally, we often have lots of open thoughts, but in the heart.

How do you personally feel about it inside that chest?

Technically, yes it is viable, it takes a bit of work to maintain and open relationship, drawing lines and hoping the one outside doesn't accidentally fall in love.

Oh wait, when does falling in love happen on purpose? :tongue:

While you may not aim to do it, it happens. Can you deal with that idea? Can he?

No, I assume you wouldn't deliberately hurt. However it is a bit more risky when one is having sex outside of the relationship that hurt will happen.

I strongly suggest you two talk and think, talk again and think some more. Use your hearts first - see what the idea of that risk, or you being in the arms feels like.

Its not really an easy thing.

You are going about it logically, which is good - but you need to feel through it too.

[MisterTinkles]

Im a die hard, hard core believer in commitment and loyalty. Probably why Ive never had a long time relationship with anyone. I get looked at like Im talking a foriegn language when I speak about this to any guy Ive met or went out with.

Cheating is cheating, no matter how you look at it, no matter what you want to call it, and no matter what excuses you can make yourself beleive.

If I were lucky enough to find someone to put up with my ass for the rest of my life, I certainly would shoot myself before I would even think about doing anything as backstabbing as cheating.

I dont care if your partner says its ok for you to do that, its still going to hurt him, even if he lies about it.

Yes this is harsh, but Im "old school". You make a commitment, you WORK at making it work.

Theres a woman at work who has a wonderful husband, they are both in their 50's. He seems to have the same issues as your hubby. That doesnt make her want to go out and hop the next hardon that drives past thier house. She's dealt with it, she's decided love is more important than sex. So when it comes right down to it, she says "to hell with sex, Im happy with who I love".

There IS something to be said for old fashioned loyalty to the one you commit yourself to.

"Open" relationships are for cowards.

Truly monogamous relationships are for those who know how to fight and work for the happiness and love they have.

[Undreamt]

I feel a bit angry that people think its still cheating if its an open relationship.

The key is honesty, trust and open communication. Decide what you are both comfortable and set boundaries.

Also think hard about what sex means to you.
For some people sex is purely physical for others it is intrinsically tied to an emotional bond.

If it is just sexual release and you can separate the emotional side of things then having an open relationship can be benifical. You are emotionally committed to your partner and you loose the sexual tension and extra stress caused by a difference in sexual need.

If you do start having sex outside the relationship however, I would recommend one night stands only. Friends with benifites are much more likley to drive a wedge between you and your partner.

Just remember, never hide anything from your partner (although I'd recommend asking what he is comfortable hearing about - some prefer not knowing to many details)

And Above all be safe.