When do the comparisons STOP?

[LateBloomer]

Hey Latebloomer, maybe I could gave you my point of view.. But from the point of view of your bf.

Me and my ex bf lived together for several years, 12 years... (I met him when I was 21, he was 27)
He is really someone narcissic, self seeking, pedantic, snob, violent... and not really well-balanced person... But even if I fully realised it, I wouldn't have been able to leave him behind... Why*? Maybe for a lot of wrong reasons...

Living with him was an hell*; I gave him all I earned, because he didn't want to work, and I even had to combine three jobs to support him*! He even tryed to kill me once, it was a disturbing relationship*!

Now it's different... I finally broke up with him, and I met my current boyfriend, really different*! He is a calm and easy tempered person, untiring worker, independant... Humble and respectfull. We're living together for 4 years now...

But, even if I know my life is better now, the sense of attachment to my ex is still present....

He absolutly doesn't care about me, but when he needs help, he knows where I am and knows I still worry about him, ready to offer him my assistance to help him, at any moment like a brother or a member of my family... Of course, my family, friends and boyfriend do not agree with me and I don't even know myself why I would*! Stupid*? Maybe, but it seems normal for me...

Maybe it the same sense of attachment like your bf to his ex*? Not an attraction, but the waste of a relationship*? A no independance of him (excuse my words, I don't know the words in english!)

I don't want to discourage you, maybe this type of attachment could be for life, even if you're better than his ex... But, you're the one too able to «*delete*» this person, so don't doubt about yourself even if this person seems still to be present, you can minimize his influence- presence

I quite agree with your last paragraph. I DO take encouragement in the fact my BF has chosen me.

And honestly, some of what you describe about your ex- sounds familiar to me. Not as extreme, but familiar.

Thanks.

[Nick9]

Hi,

from what you have said I picture those irritating sentences like: oh my former bf used to ...., I am glad that you don't/that you are doing it this way/ you are making me feel nicer...

Consider a possibility, that your bf thinks that you will feel flattered. He could tell you that you are the best bf in the world, but he choses something more familiar and not so abstract. It can be his way how to confirm the fact for himself and at the same time make you feel loved and appreciated.

You will have to tell him that it doesn't work that way for you. Be careful though, if it's really his way how to express his love for your, you can easily hurt him and make him stop talking about his feelings.
Try to explain to him that you don't want three people to be present at the moment when he express his love for you. That it will be more intimate, if he doesn't mention him. For example...

[LateBloomer]

Hi,

from what you have said I picture those irritating sentences like: oh my former bf used to ...., I am glad that you don't/that you are doing it this way/ you are making me feel nicer...

Consider a possibility, that your bf thinks that you will feel flattered. He could tell you that you are the best bf in the world, but he choses something more familiar and not so abstract. It can be his way how to confirm the fact for himself and at the same time make you feel loved and appreciated.

You will have to tell him that it doesn't work that way for you. Be careful though, if it's really his way how to express his love for your, you can easily hurt him and make him stop talking about his feelings.
Try to explain to him that you don't want three people to be present at the moment when he express his love for you. That it will be more intimate, if he doesn't mention him. For example...

Well, you're right. He is trying to flatter me. And honestly, I AM flattered, but at the same time, just a little frustrated that it feels like my good actions aren't appreciated because they are GOOD, but because he has been treated so poorly in past.

Uh, it all sounds pretty stupid when I type that out...

And you know what? A few weeks ago I did ask him, "Why do you care so much what HE thinks?" My BF responded, "You think of HIM more than I do."

I'm just selfish.

I want to run a "one man race". I don't want any competition. I don't want to be measured against another man.

Pretty unrealistic. I'm just unloading after biting my tongue for so long.

Thanks for your feedback.

[Nick9]

LOL. Hmm.

Well, you're right. He is trying to flatter me. And honestly, I AM flattered, but at the same time, just a little frustrated that it feels like my good actions aren't appreciated because they are GOOD, but because he has been treated so poorly in past.

Firstly, you don't know for sure, if he was treated that poorly. Maybe you are simply doing super job
Secondly, for him it doesn't matter. You are simply good and better.

And you know what? A few weeks ago I did ask him, "Why do you care so much what HE thinks?" My BF responded, "You think of HIM more than I do."

:biggrin: I know the feeling. And soon, you will start to anticipate that he will mention him before he even thinks about doing it. Try not to go there

I'm just selfish.

Aren't we all? mile:

I want to run a "one man race". I don't want any competition. I don't want to be measured against another man.

Pretty unrealistic.

Yes But I believe that over the time those moments of comparing will become rare.

I'm just unloading after biting my tongue for so long.

That's always a good thing to do

[Pix]

Just for fun:




Though if you prefer a "gay theme" vid (or just less unapologetically trailer trashy :tongue: ), I've noticed these get used on slash vids a lot (especially for the kiddie crowd), so...




There used to be a Buffy/Faith/Willow (BtVS) one but I couldn't find it...so I went with a HM (which come a dime a dozen).

[Pix]

It just occurs to me, this might be an inspiration for this one, where the role is reversed (the sweet, geeky girl wins the guy from the evil witch). In both vids the singer plays both girls. If you're curious, check it out to contrast:

[LateBloomer]

Though if you prefer a "gay theme" vid (or just less unapologetically trailer trashy :tongue: ), I've noticed these get used on slash vids a lot (especially for the kiddie crowd), so....

Nah. Avril is cool.

And the boyfriend was worth tuning in for.

[Maverick]

Latebloomer...

I can totally understand your feelings, as already pointed out, it's kind of like living in the shadows of the past. Even the smallest comment or actions can bring on that "sensitive feeling" of his ex still being present... even if long gone.

However, he may not even know or realize he's doing it, as he is still "healing" from the hurt, which for some takes a very, very long time (sometimes years). There is really nothing you can do to change that (it's his healing process), you're already being supportive, and you've done your share of "listening" when he needed a sounding board. However, what you can do is gently talk to him about the issue and try to get him to understand that he needs to stop verbalizing it. He can't control his thoughts from "thinking" about it (even if he wanted to, again all part of the healing process) but he can be more thoughtful of your feelings when he's expressing himself to you. That should not offend him, and he will mess up from time to time and forget (and you still DO want him to express his feelings to you, he will have "bad days" when he really needs a sounding board) so make sure to keep the door open for communication on the topic.

I know from personal experience when I was going through a divorce from my first wife, the pain was unbearable, and I "wanted" to stop thinking about her, but I could not "turn off" my brain. However, it's been many years now and I seldom think of her, so I guess prayers do get answered... just not on the time frame that we want them, lol.

I think you're doing everything correctly, and I can understand your frustration and feelings, just keep the communication going and the shadows will continue to get smaller and smaller...

[LateBloomer]

I think you're doing everything correctly, and I can understand your frustration and feelings, just keep the communication going and the shadows will continue to get smaller and smaller...

Thank you for the encouragement. I have come to realize that like most problems, time will solve this one too.

You know what's funny? We, my BF and I, have joked that I'm always one step ahead of him (in the progression of this relationship).

I'm the "late bloomer", with virtually no long term relationship experience. He, on the other hand, has almost always been partnered. And yet....I, LateBloomer, have seemed to take the lead here.

I guess when you don't really know what could go wrong you just keep steaming straight ahead....

I don't know. Not to mix my metaphors but I just feel like I'm flying blind.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Flying blind - that happens in ALL relationships.

Each one is unique and has two different people involved. Your upside is you don't have much experience to actually have a biased opinion on what a relationship 'should' be like - this allows you more maneuvering room and you can adapt and change faster than folk like me who have a few under our belt and have 'set' our patterns.