He wants to just be friends

[joelover]

Hi guys,

I've been dating this boy for a few months. He's 18. We had a great relationship, always happy together. He came out to his parents about a year ago, and they've been treating him differently since then. They're devout religious parents. They're forcing him to go to church, and also gay therapy to "get better." They argue every night, asking if he's getting any better. His parents found out that we were meeting in secret a few weeks ago, and the situation only got worse. They take his phone away so they can read his text messages and such. He has also been overloaded with school, work, and orchestra drama. About 3 weeks ago, he attempted suicide. He's okay, but his parents are still treating him the same way... The only thing different now is he is going to a therapist (in addition to the "gay therapy").

He told me that he feels bad, but needs to break up with me. He said he's not emotionally stable and needs some time to himself to figure things out. I told him I'd help him get through this, I love him. He said no, he's holding me back and he can't be there for me when I need him. He wants to be friends, but leave open the possibility to get back together, stay in contact. I agreed. I thought I'd give him his space.

We didn't talk for about a week before I texted him. We stopped talking again for a few days, and I texted him again and asked how he is and such. He never did text me, I had to always text him.

My heart hurts. I'm thinking about him constantly, hoping that he's thinking of me too. It hurts more than anything when he doesn't text me. I'm worried about him, and feel so bad I'm not helping him in any way. He needs help, support, someone to talk to, someone to love him. I'm afraid he's going to try hurting himself again. At the same time, I wonder if I'm wasting my time. He obviously isn't showing interest in me... I've tried to move on, and I can't. I miss him!

What should I do?

I thought of getting together as friends (somehow he'd have to sneak out) and tell him how I feel, tell him instill love him, tell him I want to be his boyfriend again and I don't care about what his parents think, tell him everything will be okay. The problem is, it won't be okay. Not until he moves out. And maybe me bugging him all the time, wanting to be loved is going to be too much, too much stress, just another thing he has to balance in his busy schedule.

So should I wait for him? Wait for him to come around? Or should I try to move on some more? Distance myself, or try to get closer to him? Why doesn't he want me? Is there another reason behind all this?

I really am confused as to what I should do. I appreciate your advice!
Thank you.
<3

[dfiant]

Sorry mate, you have lost this battle.

All you can do is be there if he needs you. You have told him what he needs to hear and that is all you can do mate.

Unfortunately he is dependant on family. He doesn't want you because he loves his family. you cannot change that.

[Counselor]

My original response got eaten, but dfiant is right. Unless he says he wants the relationship, you should respect him, even if it's actually what his parents want. THEY, by the way, are an example of exactly the type of disgusting people I think should be keeping their mouths shut about what makes them happy.

[John]

I think, right now, you can't do much. I always believe that, if this is yours, it will come back to you no matter what. Give him some time, and you need that too, to think about it. What you can do at this moment is just be there for him when he needs you. But never expect him to give you any response or appreciate it. If you can stand for it then go ahead. If can't, perhaps, you should start to distance yourself from him, stop texting him.....If he really wants you back, he knows where to get you.

[Maverick]

I agree with the other comments, no matter what, you need to give him space so he can work through all this. However, without putting pressure on him, just make sure he knows that you are and always will be "there for him" if and when he needs it. Make sure he knows this, and that he doesn't have to face "the world (and his parents)" alone, but you have to allow it to be his decision. Also, be careful what you text to him, his parents may be monitoring it (and perhaps that is why he hasn't responded).

[bluefox4000]

Respect his wishes. Be happy he still wants to be friends. Do not push something he's not interested in.

Mick

[MisterTinkles]

You cant force someone to do. say, or think anything you want them too.

Apparently this guy is letting his parents mind-fuck him really badly. If I were him, Id get the hell out of there and never look back.

The ONLY sanity he will ever have in his life is to dump the family and create his own life. Otherwise, he's going to be a mental basketcase for the rest of his life, letting himself be shoved around like this.



Two suggestions though--

1. If both of you plan to go to college, do it together and do it soon. Get him the hell away from those morons he calls parents. Run and never look back.

2. Get jobs and move in together as roommates. This way you can be his "filter" for what is going on with him. That is, if you are that close. Just live as friends, dont expect anything but drama and sadness, until he can realize he doesnt need thier hypocricy and bullshit to live a happy life.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

When a person makes an attempt of suicide, it takes a long time before they get around to feeling 'human' after the attempt.

This kid has a lot on his plate and honestly I doubt a relationship is what he needs. He most likely really does need his 'alone time' to figure out who 'me' is and get to understand 'me'.

Being in a relationship usually means we go from thinking in terms of 'me' to terms of 'us'... if he is confused or uncertain who 'me' is he definitely won't be able to figure out who 'us' is.

One of the things he seems to sorely need is a friend. Maybe even a couch to crash on to get away from his parents before they kill him with their brand of 'concern' for his welfare.

This "gay therapy" may actually be trying to 'cure' him from homosexuality. I fear if he is at the point where suicide seems like a valid choice or the only choice its going to do far more damage than good.

He is trying, or so it seems, to get his head around 'stuff'... support that and understand it really isn't you, its him and what his parents are putting him through. I'm sorry, but give him his space, try to be a friend (no sex, no kissing - hugs are ok but on his terms) IF he wants you to be a friend.

He most likely has many emotions that he is afraid of, most likely does love you, but has this 'gay therapy' and his parents on one side telling him its all wrong.

I feel for you and for him.... I wish there was a fix for this...

[Rainbowmum]

All you can do is give him space and be there for him as a friend.

I am so very sorry this has happened to you ,as a mother for the life of me I cannot understand people that do that to their children, it is so very cruel.

[HomeagainNYC]

Perhaps if you put yourself in his shoes - it might make it easier for you to accept his request.

He's being assaulted from every side and has obviously lost his footing at the present time. His parents are exerting an immense amount of pressure/influence on him – the church is endeavoring to "save him" - then you have a (gay therapy) therapist who’s running around in his head as well.

Wow - that's overwhelming, for even the most self assured person.

He's been straightforward with you by letting you know his current emotional state; which is extremely fragile at best, and has ask for space.

As painful as it might be, the greatest respect/support you can offer is to honor his request. I don’t think is trying to lose you, I think he is trying to find himself and hopefully regain his footing. You’ve done all you can for him at present, by offering to be there, should he need you; any more from you, unless he asks, might be seen by him as additional pressure.

He’s going to have to do things on his own timeline. My heart goes out to both of you.