What's my sexuality? Confused and frustrated.

[drphilzero]

I have always considered myself gay. I look and act very straight and hate gay clubs so I hardly ever meet anyone. I have dated only a couple guys. I don't have the best body or a large dick. I have always bottomed and never enjoyed it that much. Whenever I am given the chance to top I get major performance anxiety and can't get hard. I start thinking about what i'm doing and my body and lose focus. In all my relationships my partner has much more of an interest in sex than me. Sex has always made me uncomfortable and i usually can't *** and just get off to porn later. I have ended all my relationships because i'm embarrassed of myself. My other partners still wanted to be with me but i get over them by hoping ill find someone i can enjoy sex with. So am I asexual?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

If you were asexual you wouldn't whack off. You would have no interest in sex. You most likely are gay but feel crappy about yourself thus are unable to 'get into' sex with others. THAT is self esteem issues and will affect every aspect of your life. After all you are ending your relationships over being 'embarrassed of myself' Further, you most likely broke it via over use. Your hand is too rough and moves way faster than a pair of hips can.... thus you have desensitized your dick. A mouth or ass isn't going to be able to move that fast or apply that hard of pressures. As for bottoming, a decent chunk of gay men don't do anal stuff - either as a top or a bottom. They prefer oral over anal. What you need is an adjustment to your self esteem. Physically You can't make your dick bigger, but you can change your fitness level. Diet and more exercise in your daily routine will not only improve your overall appearance, but will do wonders for the attitude well before the body changes. Stop watching porn. Porn as in the movie sense is often overblown and edited to make it as hot as possible. Real sex isn't all that graceful or 'outlandish' there is fumbling and other things - trust me, porn movies don't show the condom being put on because its not really that hot. I suspect other self esteem issues are also present... I would suggest a therapist to ferret out those and start working on them. I also suspect you have a fantasy image about what relationships are all about. Time will cure you as the cold harsh winds of reality will shatter your fantasy images of what relationships are supposed to be about.

[LateBloomer]

I have always considered myself gay. I look and act very straight and hate gay clubs so I hardly ever meet anyone. I have dated only a couple guys. I don't have the best body or a large dick. I have always bottomed and never enjoyed it that much. Whenever I am given the chance to top I get major performance anxiety and can't get hard. I start thinking about what i'm doing and my body and lose focus. In all my relationships my partner has much more of an interest in sex than me. Sex has always made me uncomfortable and i usually can't *** and just get off to porn later. I have ended all my relationships because i'm embarrassed of myself. My other partners still wanted to be with me but i get over them by hoping ill find someone i can enjoy sex with. So am I asexual?

I echo BA's wise response.

But I have two specific things I want to address:

1) There's a name for what you're doing, "Spectating". That's when you psychologically remove yourself from the sex act, as if you were a spectator, and then you judge your performance--always harshly, I might add. You are your own worst critic. What's worse is that it is unfair to your sex partner because you're putting more attention on YOURSELF than on him. But don't worry, there's a solution! Stop worrying about YOURSELF (and all your preconceived notions about how you don't measure up) and start paying attention to PLEASING your partner. In fact, find a guy to practice on and tell him you want to play a game. The game is "full body massage". Get a bottle of oil and massage him from neck to toe. You have to guarantee him that he'll get off. But you just take what you get, maybe you get off, maybe you don't. That's not the point. The point is you giving satisfaction to someone else. Try it a couple times, then try a full blown sex act again while keeping THEIR satisfaction in your mind (rather than your old ideas about inadequacy).

2) Bottom line: it's not necessary to orgasm in order to enjoy sex and intimacy, but you deserve to have the full experience (as does your partner). Try to share it rather than sabotage it.

Good luck.

[pellaz]

first off welcome to GS
if are topping someone clear your mind, forget his name. Think of how you need to love your self.

[Kat]

It sounds like you think you are supposed to look and act like porn stars. Forget it, those are actors, airbrushed and get to stop the cameras and do it again to get it perfect. Real people in real life including those actors aren't so perfect so just relax and do what comes naturally.

Sex isn't the be all end all porn wants you to think it is. Sure it's great if it's good but if that's the reason you're in a relationship then you need to get out anyway and if it isn't the relationship is good without the sex and you have time to work on the sex, if you even want it. Sexless relationships do exist and those are fine if you're both happy that way.

[princealbertofb]

Hello DrPhilZero, and to GaySpeak. Apart from your sense of inadequacy you did not mention whether you had other forms of dysfunction such as maybe using drugs or being a drinker or smoker. Some people feel the use of mild drugs (or harder ones) can help them to overcome the inner fears and shyness, the same applies for drinking patterns. Unfortunately, alcohol can be a bit of a mood killer and leave you limp. The same applies to smoking as the arteries and veins are constricted after smoking and can leave your penis less likely to stay engorged. It doesn't help that you have esteen issues to go with it. If you are doing any of those things, try not doing them. It might just be that you're doing counter intuitive things to boost your moral, but it's not working for the blood circulation.
As someone said, the brain is a powerful organ and it needs to be trained too. Too much self gratification over porn can, in some ways, reduce your sensitivity to other forms of sexual intimacy and it might take a while before you feel totally empowered by being in someone else's embrace.
If you have real issues about not being able to perform, you could also talk about this to your doctor, who might have some suggestions to make. After all he or she may know you better on a physical level than we do from the description you made.
Good luck reaching that intimacy you seek.

[drphilzero]

Thanks bowyn arrow. I kinda figured that was my problem the whole time. Thanks late bloomer too. Your answer brought it home.
I am going to cut out porn, start working out, and stop "spectating".